an update

Apr. 26th, 2017 02:14 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
[personal profile] marchionessofmustache
SOOO THINGS.

I don't remember what all has happened since I last updated because I don't even remember when that was but... here's the main things, in chronological order, I guess:

My phone broke and I had to get a new one (I was due for an 'upgrade' anyway) so now I have an Android and I miss my Windows Phone, but this is fun, and it's at least not Apple. Also there are all these games and stuff I couldn't play before. Which leads to the next thing...

Now I've become addicted to a bunch of stupid phone games like... I even have trouble leaving bed lol X_X; I need to just uninstall them all except for a couple (I'll keep at least Miitomo and Sailor Moon Drops but all the others IDK lol...)

But yeah so I've done much of nothing since I got the new phone which was almost a week ago. Then I accidentally racked up a ton of data because the WiFi went out for like 2 seconds while I was loading something in Pokémon ... Duel? Whatever that trading figure game is (which is not good, don't play it) and we only get 300MB/mo and I used 360MB all at once... if it wasn't for our rollover data, I would have cost Dens $20 which is a lot for us X_X

OK so that pretty much describes all I've done for like a week.

Then last night, I overheard my dad talking on the phone to his mom, and I guess my grandpa like... said that he's "shutting down" and is just laying around and won't do anything (he has cancer and is refusing medical treatment) and they are worried he is about to die.

Sooooo uh scary. This probably sounds horrible but I'm not particularly concerned with him dying (since I think he feels like it's his time and he's suffering and stuff and I think he feels like he had a good life so...) but I am worried about two things:

First, I'm worried about my dad. Excluding me, my dad and my extended family are VERY close. He visits or does something with his family at least once a week. I don't know any other adults that are like that lol. I mean other than us millennials who still live with their parents. Anyway, this will be the first major death in the Hanshew family, and it's going to affect everyone a lot... I could tell from the way that he was talking that he was very scared and upset, but trying to pretend not to be. So I'm really worried about how he is going to feel going forward...

And secondly, quite selfishly, I'm worried about myself. Not about being sad but... I have a feeling everyone is going to expect me to... react and interact in ways I don't need or want to, and at the same time, I'll have to be dealing with everyone else's reactions and interactions.

Like, maybe this is an autism thing, but things just... really don't affect me much?? And I don't think people dying is sad or whatever? I mean, it will be different when it's someone like Dens or something but like... I am so detached from almost everyone that it really... doesn't matter?

So like, I'm worried about having to like... put up with it, I guess. I know that sounds horrible, and it's partly because I can't explain it better. Like, I feel bad that everyone else has to go through it because I realize that everyone else will be affected strongly but like... it's going to be difficult for me either having to fake being affected or having to face judgment for showing I'm unaffected.

But yeah. I am worried most about my dad though. And now I have more things to be anxious about, which means more reluctance to do anything but play stupid phone games. I feel selfish making this all about me but I'm just... writing about me because this is my journal lol. Like I'm not intending to detract from anyone else's experience and definitely am not going to be like saying this stuff to other people or whatever.

Date: 2017-04-29 08:44 pm (UTC)
kaedi: ([ffx] auron)
From: [personal profile] kaedi
And secondly, quite selfishly, I'm worried about myself. Not about being sad but... I have a feeling everyone is going to expect me to... react and interact in ways I don't need or want to, and at the same time, I'll have to be dealing with everyone else's reactions and interactions.

I relate. I have tried to force myself to cry over things in the past but partly because I was conditioned not to cry at anything for a long time, and partly because I don't cry (not over things that everyone else cries about, anyway) I found it really unnatural and unnecessary. I feel like I won't cry that much when my grandparents die? I don't see them a lot and while I KNOW I care about them, I don't FEEL like anything? Like, going to see them is like...something I should do and I don't mind, but it's not like...an every day thing and it's not a thing I get excited about I guess? I feel bad but I don't especially look forward to it. But everyone around you expects a certain reaction and when they don't get it they get angry for some reason and judge-y.

But I get it. I actually spend a lot of time worrying about how things will affect other people (which is what you are doing, so don't feel bad for not making a show of empathy I guess...try not to anyway) as well as myself. But I think it's natural to worry about how things will affect yourself anyway.

I think most people are generally selfish. It shows in the way people vote; they're OK so they'll vote for X, Y, Z because it will mean they'll be OK. Even in my family, nobody thought about how their vote last year would affect other people IN OUR OWN FAMILY (except me and my sister, and - weirdly - my dad), never mind strangers. And people will always put themselves first - jobs, friendships etc.

I always see people doing sneaky things to put themselves first. But they make big shows of empathy and sympathy and laughing and crying all the time like circus monkeys to make sure they're accepted?

I guess this is not helpful.

But things don't affect me a lot either. I often wonder how affected people are, REALLY AND TRULY, when things happen to them, and how much is just drama.

When I was tied up and robbed in my old job, I didn't even care. When some nutter hit me because I caught her stealing I didn't even care. Everyone made dramas about it, crying FOR me (???) and forcing me to take time off work but I honestly didn't care about it. When we had to put my cat down I couldn't stop crying and I didn't eat for at least 24 hours (which is a lot of time for me to not eat lol). I guess I am not helping because I clearly think very little of human beings lol BYE

Date: 2017-05-09 08:52 pm (UTC)
kaedi: ([dw] Cao and his bf)
From: [personal profile] kaedi
haha yeah even when I was really into football and had a season ticket, when anything happened I'd be in my seat like 'yayyyy' to myself XD I only stood up to see because everyone else stood up and blocked my view XD

I felt like someone killed my children but everyone else thought I was stupid for being upset about it lolololol.

HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG YES. I cried over my Xbox once and actually counted pennies to put into the bank to pay to have it fixed XDDDDDDDD I would only cry over stuff in my car, and my car, if it had my PS4 and computer in I think. Also probably if my cat was in it XD I'm insured for fire destroying my car so w/e but omfg my computer things and my cat XD

hahahah yeah like at first when he jumped the counter I was like "HOH SHIT" but then I didn't care. He tied us up and marched us into the staff room and we had to sit there while his friends broke down the back door and robbed us but I was just in the kitchen being annoyed about the fact that I was just sitting in the kitchen doing nothing and I couldn't even have tea. I actually thought about just interrupting them to say they can take what they want but I want tea if I'm being trapped in the kitchen lol

Date: 2017-05-01 11:44 pm (UTC)
lila_werewolf: (Dad)
From: [personal profile] lila_werewolf
Hey M.

I am sorry about your grandpa... and yeah, the whole death thing is VERY anxiety ridden. People expect you to react a certain way, and if you don't they can get very irrational. Like, when my dad died. I was in school, and lived in another state. His side of the family, that I didn't even know or anything before the accident thought I didn't react right or whatever. Because I am quiet, and I've got anxiety... and I cry too much, I guess. I did cry a lot. That's just me... but they felt I should quit school, and stay in Ohio????? I had nowhere to stay... I did not want to stay with strange people I don't know, or quit school and owe a bunch of monies I didn't have.

Plus, I knew my dad would not want me to quit school. So, I visited him as much as we could afford. It was 3 times, which was a lot of money for us... but worth it, because I loved my dad. But no one else saw it as me loving my dad. My uncle James even blamed me for my dad dying, saying if I was there- he wouldn't have or something, and said my dad would be very disappointed in me.

My dad would not be. I know this. And my dad probably would have yelled at James and the rest of his family for treating me that way. But dad wasn't there.

Then the whole lawsuit thing happened, and that compounded the anxiety. I always felt like I was on display. My feelings were being judged constantly, and no one seemed to think they were adequate. It felt terrible on top of it just feels terrible to lose a parent.

That type of thing (on a smaller scale) I've seen happen repeatedly with families concerning death. In my own family, and in David's family... People just have these rigid ideas about what is appropriate. I don't think hardly anyone really fits those rigged ideals. The truth is we all mourn differently, and we'll all be feeling different stages of grief at different times... and that's OK. Having no feelings is OK. There is no right way to say goodbye or feel stuff.

I just wish people would realize that, but I try to keep in mind... they are all probably feeling surges of emotions/incredible stress. No one is at their best etc. >_> But, yeah, that doesn't mean they should be a-holes.
Edited Date: 2017-05-01 11:46 pm (UTC)

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