Apr. 11th, 2017 11:11 am
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
It seems like lj's new TOS broke DW because too many people were rushing here at once or something hahaha.

I'm almost caught back up to where I realized I wasn't taking any screencaps at all in Laura's scenario lol.

I haven't played with Urpina in a couple of days, but I missed out on a bunch of the characters I was planning on having in my final team. I think I may have talked about this already...? So I'm just kinda picking the best from who I do happen to find, and I'm not going to "try" for any characters from here on out. There are just SO many options and so many missable things in this game, which is both good and bad, but I do have a nice team of 9 and am looking for a 'male' mage for the party now, as the only role I don't really have filled. Though I did look through the characters and it seems there's only one even left available, and getting him seems to require some pretty specific choices, so I MIGHT try for him when I get to that turning point, but I'm also not wanting to look at guides much, so...

Also Urpina has like a million endings or something X_X; Leo only had two and it was based solely on your decision just before the end. Urpina's different endings are impacted as early as finishing the little intro chapter of her story it seems.

But I'm really trying not to look at the guide too much lol. I just looked more when I couldn't find the characters in the locations they were supposed to be, and realized I missed out on a lot of stuff.

I might start writing the Laura scenario play diary later today. I have a looootttt to write because I pretty much am going to be done with the entire story except the last couple of adventures lol. I should probably upload the Urpina caps and start on those, too, because it will take forever...

I've been having a hankering to play SaGa 1 or SaGa 2 recently. I want to make play diaries of them eventually, but I don't want to start them right now, so maybe I'll just play through one of them for fun. I've cleared SaGa 1 a few times, but never SaGa 2, though I've gotten pretty far. Or maybe I should play SaGa 3 even though I ... really don't like it that much haha.

I might actually start the TokiMemo play diary this week, too. Especially since I'll probably get my book today. I'm kinda slowing down on the website because I've been feeling burned out and a friend and my therapist recommended I pace myself better and not put too much pressure on myself.

Also, I mentioned that I looked for a job the other day and my therapist was like shocked and seemed hesitant to accept that and was saying more stuff about how I have to do stuff at my own pace.

In one way I still feel kind of... weird/bad/tired about being treated like a "severe" case (IDK if I mentioned this but I was also instructed to take all sharp objects out of my room lololol) but at the same time it's a bit... reassuring/validating that... I'm not just lazy/stupid and I have serious problems that make it difficult for me to find and maintain jobs and complete tasks and maintain interpersonal relationships and stuff.

Oh, Joe was in town this week and we played Catan yesterday and it was fun but a little awkward, and I guess he and his wife got a divorce, but I didn't know, and I asked them if they were planning on having any kids (which I know is an obnoxious question, but we were already talking about kids/pregnancy so it was not like super random?) and then he was like "oh about that" and I felt terrible, but I guess it was a civil parting, they just realized marriage wasn't for them and are still friends and still work/live together? Er, they might not live together anymore, but I think they still work at the same school (idk lmao I don't ask about details on anything so I never know anything).

Anyway, yeah, that was weird, and we talked about Star Trek which is good and now I feel like watching Trek but I don't because I hate watching things and I'm playing like three SaGa games right now and feeling like starting another for fun and starting Tokimemo and like... lol. And I feel like drawing recently, too -- I want to be able to make a coloring book for dens for his birthday, which is over two months away, but making an entire book's worth of drawings could easily take two months or more, so I should get started on it. Probably I should dedicate at least one day a week to it, and I don't want to do it when he's around because I want the contents to be a surprise (though I could easily hide it from him when he's around anyway since it's not like he looks at my computer screen that much and his eyesight is very poor so he hardly can see anything on it anyway, and I can just zoom or minimize when he's near so he can't see what it is... actually I might be more motivated to work on it around him, so... maybe I'll start doing that...)


Apr. 7th, 2017 07:55 pm
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OK I finally got around to adding everyone back and looking at your journals and stuff here lol. I didn't have internet for 3 days. Now I'm at dens. I can't remember if I like... talked about this already.

I've been playing a lot of Scarlet Grace because it's like the only thing I could really do without internet LOL and uhhhhh I'm kinda mad at it XD Not really but... I made a list of all the characters I wanted to recruit and the place where you get them (like the province only) so I could try for them without too much spoilers...

But uh...

Your choices in this game seem to DRASTICALLY change things and you can easily just get locked out of TONS of content because your response in a conversation wasn't the right thing or whatever lol. And when I wasn't able to find a couple characters, like ones who were listed specifically as Act I (Urpina's story is divided into three acts) I like... looked at the little walkthrough outline for what I had finished and realized just how much I missed.

I mean, it's like... by missing some stuff you get to see other stuff so it's like... not like you're just... missing out and not getting anything else, it's just that there are so many different ways it can go and this means completely missing out on recruitable characters and stuff and like uh ALL THE CHARACTERS I WANTED I either missed or can't get til like... the very end of the game apparently so?? I don't know what I will do now XD

Even though I was so mad about having to completely restart Laura's scenario I like... already feel like playing again LOL. Usually that kind of thing like makes me super discouraged and not want to touch a game for a long time but... I just really like unsaga or something hahaha.
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
Sooooo my internet has been out for over 24 hr lololol I die.

I'm at the library now.

Also, I was playing unsaga yesterday since there was no internet, figuring I'd just make a bunch of progress in my playthrough...

Well, apparently if you're not connected online, screenshots just... DON'T SAVE to the OneDrive folder?????????? Like I figured they'd still save there and then like... upload later when you have a connection but instead it just doesn't even take the screenshots at all. So I got like... almost entirely through Laura's story (I got all the EGs lol) and didn't get a single screencap. So, uh, I guess I'll just start Laura's scenario over from the beginning later for the play diary X_X

So without internet I had no idea what to do with myself, other than like... eat. So I ended up playing Scarlet Grace, and it's really fun. So I think I might put unsaga off for a while since I'm frustrated with it and just play sgsg right now? IDK LOL. I came to the library just to do KA and catch up on imsaga and 3gks... I thought there was going to be more imsaga to do but I reached my limit in the current event and can't really beat the next trial, so... I don't have anything to do now XD

My entire week was so messed up lol X_X Well, it's still messed up. It won't be normal again until like... Monday.

lol also now that I've arrived here, it's storming and it's supposed to be thunderstorms until like... tonight. So I'll have to walk home in the storms. Yay this week :)

Also it's like... noisier here than I thought it would be lol. Not as quiet as GPL. I miss GPL lololol. I'mma try moving to another desk, though. Because I'm very close to the information desk so I keep hearing voices and phones nad stuff and it's making me very anxious lmaoooooooo I'm so broken I can't even feel comfo at a library.
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
Hello friends.

Sooo I've been working on website and I have a really fast way of doing it now, and all I really have to do is essentially edit the rest of the entries -- all the images and everything are already ready to go, cropped, resized, converted to jpg... it's pretty much just c/p the diary entries and add tags while looking over it. I'm already into Armic's scenario so I'm almost done with unsaga (by 'done' I mean caught up) and then it will just be romasaga3 and sagasca which shouldn't be terribly long.

I think I started giving myself deadlines and stuff like 'I need to finish all this by the weekend' or whatever and the pressure made me kinda fall into depression again. It does not help that Thursday I decided for who knows what reason to look for a job, which is a super overwhelming and stressful thing to me, and by the end of the day I was poking at myself with a box knife saying if I just practice making little cuts I can work up slashing my whole wrist!!! But uh no it's way too scary I can't even like poke myself without freaking out lol.

The weekend was fine and I even did a Scary Thing and was ok (I went to craft store with Dens and it was crowded lol) and then today I have like absolutely no motivation at all and I think it's because I'm putting too much pressure on myself or sth, plus after Thursday I was putting pressure on myself not to be depressed again which... I guess was counterproductive lol. Thanks to Nans for pointing it out though lol. I was def weird on Friday because Dens kept asking me if I was okay, like "ARE YOU SURE YOURE OK" and stuff like... so many times lol. But I think I was just being like, super quiet and having trouble concentrating.

Anyway, after talking it over with Nans I feel a bit more optimistic and I'm going to not pressure myself and just go at my own pace with the website like I was, and talk to my therapist about jobs this week. When I went to my psychologist on Monday last week, he has to like... go over this list of stressors or something, so every time he asks me like... if there have been changes in my living situation, if I'm still happy with Dens, etc. and it ends with "Are you still unemployed?" and "Are you looking for a job?" And it makes me feel so worthless and embarrassed X_X I realize the reason he is asking is because those things are big stressors to people and like he has to monitor that but like... idk I just hate having it like... rubbed in my face? lol. Even though that's not what he's trying to do. I did get a grape lolli though.

I think sicne I've done nothing at all today and it's already 19:00 (and I got up around 9, so like... 10 hours of doing nothing at all) I might just play unsaga, because it's fun and it will kinad feel like progress since it goes toward content for the website. I think if I can resume the pace I was at before, I can actually catch up with all the play diaries by the end of the week, and maybe even start working on the programming tut.

Once I get the first lesson of the programming tut done, I think I'm going to actually pay for hosting and get the website online, and then try to add new content every week. I can easily do the editing and stuff when I'm around Dens, as well as playing games, so I'll probably do a lot of the initial writing while I'm at the apartment during the week, and publish new stuff over the weekend. I'll probably continue to post everything here first, but it will be like a 'rough draft,' and then the edited version will get posted to the website.

I might wait a bit to actually get the website up because -- well, not WAIT but rather it might take a bit longer because I think I'm going to program a thing that finds the most recent entries and everything for a front page, and maybe even program a blog. That probably sounds time-consuming but it actually would be pretty easy. I might create a like submission widget for myself so I can easily add new content without having to go and edit tables with SQL manually every time, but ... it really wouldn't be THAT convenient and I kinda like editing tables anyway. So I might just implement something like that if I really feel like I need it in the future.

Anyway, I've also been thinking about what I'm going to do next in unsaga and in the play diaries in general. I think once I get the website up, I'll finish up Armic and Mikhail scenarios, and then I'll start playing one tokimemo and one SaGa at a time. Three SaGas at a time was a bit... much hahaha. And I'll probably continue on with unsaga unless I get a huge hankering to play something else. Which recently I've really been wanting to play minsaga because I want to see Baldyhad again. And I've also really been wanting to get back into Scarlet Grace because it was really fun the first time and I'm excited to play another game.

But I also super love unsaga and am excited about playing through all seven scenarios and having a finished diary XD

In my next Scarlet Grace game, I'm going to be playing Urpina (that's what the comet gave me XD) and I'm going to try to focus on raising a team of 10 characters -- five guys and five gals. This way I can get the 'use a team of all men/women' bonuses more easily, plus I like having some substitute characters anyway. I think I have a better idea of how to really power up the party this time around so I won't fall behind like I did with Leo's party.

For unsaga, I think I'm going to do a 'no shopping' run with Laura. I considered trying to do the 'true' Weapon Collector's Challenge (no shopping, no repair, no martial panels) but I'm worried it will end up being too hard and turn into a chore to play. So I might just like, do that on my own, but not part of the play diaries.

And then with Judy I think I'm going to do a 'no weapons' run, where you just... can't equip anything in the two weapon slots. Basically the focus will be more on martial arts and magic arts.

I'm actually considering like... maybe some time in the future adding more challenge runs to the play diaries, like... even after clearing all 7 characters, like... just add some more 'bonus' diaries, like if I want to do additional challenge runs. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I just... don't want to play unsaga anymore?

I was also thinking of what I could do play diaries of besides SaGa and TokiMemo. The other three series in my main five are Harvest Moon, Mega Man, and Ys.

Harvest Moon... I think I could figure out a way to do a play diary of that, I think. I think more just making a diary of entire play sessions, rather than trying to like... make a day-by-day diary would be better. I might actually make the day-by-day diary just like... little notes of what I did each day, but as like... extra content?? I was even thinking of like... hand-writing it with little doodles to make it cute.

Mega Man is lol. It's not really... that kind of game. But before ever starting the play diary thing, I was planning on trying to do (segmented) no-damage runs of all the Mega Man games. So I could make a play diary about that specifically? That seems kinda fun. Because just clearing one stage takes a long time for that. And I could fill the entries with all kinds of Mega Man infodumping and roboperving XD

Ys... IDK. I guess when I think about it, they wouldn't make for bad play diaries, but at the same time, the game is 90% about the action. It's like Mega Man with more story lmao. So IDK what I'd do with those. Of my top 5 Ys is like... probably my least favorite hahaha. I mean it's still top 5 though.

I also kind of want to start doing more videos again... I'm considering when I do the Harvest Moon play diaries to like... also make videos of them as I do them? It will also help me like... remember what I did in the game to make the diaries lolol. Oh, that would be like... super cute if I like... recorded each day as its own thing and then like... recorded myself drawing the little diary part XD Actually that's a super cute idea... I hope I can remember it.

I was also considering doing play diaries of like... games similar to the top 5 in some way, like Bionic Commando which is a lot like Mega Man, and The Last Remnant which is a lot like SaGa, stuff like that. Shepherd's Crossing. And just anything I really feel like I'd like to make a play diary about. But I want to focus on the top 5, and especially SaGa and Tokimemo XD

And then I also thought of doing a like play diary series where I like... do something like... play every single NES game ever LOL. And like write about my experience with each. And I'd try to play them all to completion XD That would be fun.

Anyway, these are just like... ideas lmao. For now I'm just going to work on getting the site up, finishing unsaga, starting tokimemo, and getting back to the programming tuts.

Well, writing this made me feel a bit more motivated. I'mma go play a bit of Armic's scenario now though. Prol won't be enough to write an entry because I'm just going to be doing random already-written-about subadventures.

Oh I just remembered I need to like... do the Innocent Life diary too. LOLOL. Well, I might not include that in the launch of the website hahaha.


Mar. 1st, 2017 03:35 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
life update time I guess!!!!

I don't remember when I last really talked about life things but I started therapy two weeks ago and I have to go again tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it because I was a wreck last time, because I had a Hell Week and that was like... the end of it. So I just kind of stared at the floor and nodded a lot lololol.

Anyway, after I got home from that I just passed out and slept for like 17 hours or something. Then I kind of had a cold for like ... 1.5 weeks, and I think I still kinda have it, and then this past weekend was actually very nice. I was feeling like... super confident and happy which is like a thing I never feel??? But uh I'm back to feeling bad again but probably because I am anxious about the thing.

I want to try to bring up autism this time but I don't want to get like immediately dismissed again lol. But I think up until this point I've been getting dismissed because like... this is really the kind of thing I should talk to my therapist about??

I feel like I've already said all this here?

Also I'm thirsty.

I'm still moving along in Armic's scenario. I've gotten three L4 tablets this playthrough, which is ridiculous. Sadly, two of them were not helpful...

I started another SCARLET GRACE run but I think I'm going to restart. I accidentally like... advanced the story and can't go back,a nd there was a lot of stuff I still wanted to do... plus IDK if I really want to start another game right now. I mean, I do, but I also want to work on some other stuff and not be wrapped up in this XD

I don't feel like doing anything today though T_T Except for worrying lmao.

Which I guess is why I'm writing this because I can't bring myself to do anything else X_X
marchionessofmustache: (Default)

Well, the party has gotten worn down from a lot of random exploring, so I'm going to give them a bit of a break. We head back to Thranici to check out the geysers, which have easy battles in them, so we can switch in a bunch of substitute members, and see what some of our newbies look like.

Read more... )
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With two Wu Xing weapons, it's time to wander around some more and see if we can find more things to do. At this point I'm mostly just running to a region I know has unfinished business or I suspect may have something new when I run out of things to do in another region.

So this time, we're headed back to Jusitania. That's the place where we killed the queen and got the pirates drunk.

Read more... )
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Putting Rhea behind us, it's time to roam the world again and look for things to do and collect materials to make cool weapons. I mean, look for Scarlet Shards...

Read more... )


Feb. 27th, 2017 01:22 pm
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With... whatever the hell that was we just did... out of the way, let's... go running around again. Because that's what this game is about. On this week's exciting episode, we're traveling back to Rhea. That coastal place with all the little "land pockets."

Read more... )

Feb. 27th, 2017 10:15 am
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After somehow setting off a volcano by trying to free a sea creature but it didn't work, we now have a new Wu Xing weapon, and there's not much left to do in the Thranici Province. I did go fight the battles in the other "Killer Stone" things but it didn't seem to advance or change anything, and the people of the nearby cities like Elhuacan don't seem to care that their town has been overrun with lava.

So, we're heading off to explore around again.

Read more... )

Feb. 27th, 2017 08:30 am
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Imperial SaGa announced a new "Role System" coming to the game, probably named after roles in Scarlet Grace.

It looks pretty neat, like you'll be able to customize your characters more... but also stressful because it seems like you'll have to choose paths. Hopefully they are transparent and different enough that it's easy to make the decision. And hopefully it doesn't try to like... randomize which one you get influenced by how you fight or something lol...

I spent like all day yesterday grinding X_X but I got all my reds 'cleared out' and I was able to upgrade my blacksmith to Rank 9. But I had to spend pretty much everyone, so I'll be nowhere near Rank 10 :\ I was really hoping to get closer than that.

But Boston will have finished studying his jutsu tonight, and I'll probably get 'stuck' in the current event soon, so I might start training him soon. Or maybe just wait for the next event to start.

Pretty much the pattern seems to be that there's a Quest Event that lasts two weeks, then halfway through it, a Combat or Trials Event will start, while you can continue to work on the Quest Event if you want. That will last the last week of the Quest Event, then both will end at the same time, and a new Quest Event starts. Combat and Trials Events seem to alternate as well. So since we'll be finishing the current Quest and Trials with the next maintenance, and a new Quest is starting, we'll probably have a Combat event start after a week.

I really don't like Combat too much lmao (it's the pvp thing). But you get healed after doing them, so it might be a good time to train Boston... but it would also be nice to have Boston available for the Combat itself...

Also, I thought it would be completely impossible, but I saw someone has already completed and uploaded an entire SCC playthrough of SaGa SCARLET GRACE (with Urpina). One nice thing about SGSG is that like unsaga, you don't even have to use the protagonist, so you could do a SCC with any character in the game.

Not that I'm planning on doing a SCC any time soon, or even maybe at all, but it's just cool that you can XD

I've sifted through all the pics of Scarlet Grace now up to Leonard's ending, so I just have to get around to writing the entries for them.
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With a heavy heart, we must leave our friends in Termina behind and continue our adventures. There doesn't seem to be much else to do in the region for now, so we head back to Maurehua. Huh, you don't know where that is? Yeah, I had to look up the name, too.

It's the place where Phoenix landed and those people started building that tower there. And I pretty much did nothing there because I didn't want to mess with it at the time. If you really need a recap, it's at the end of this post.

Read more... )
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Feb. 17th, 2017 07:58 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
Sooooo this week has been pretty bad but not bad just like... I'm so exhausted now.

On Monday I had appointment with new psychologist. He is a nice guy and I was very comfortable with him. He doesn't make eye contact and is pretty blunt and those things are easy for me lmao. He also looks like egg (in cute way). I think I talked about this already because I remember saying the egg thing.

Then on Tuesday I had to make a phone call which as always is like an ALL DAY EVENT and is bad.

The phone call I made on Tuesday was for a thing I had to do on Wednesday -- well, I didn't have to do it on Wednesday, but I knew I would just worry about it until I did it, and I was already at the laundromat (at like 6AM so there was no one there) and I was already awake and able and stuff and idk it was just a very good opportunity so I just made myself do it, which was VERY HARD but I did it.

Anyway, the Wednesday thing was getting registered for therapy and getting a psych evaluation and this place -- it's this place that I wasn't very comfortable about before because their website refers to patients as "clients" and they have testimonials, and they seem like ridiculously focused on like... making the "clients" get jobs. Like if you hid the name you would 100% think it was an employment agency...

Anyway, so I felt like that is not really a proper environment for getting better because I was worried they'd like... just push for you to work and try to find ways for you to work and not focus on like... the actual problems you're having?

But uh it actually wasn't like that but uhhh the website still gives me that feeling and I still don't like how they call patients "clients" (they do this in the facility too??) but when I actually went there they were like... not all about jobs lol.

Anyway, on the like... paperwork they had a like 'assigned sex' and 'gender expression' part so that was cool. The gender expression had like... male and female and then like a blank so I wrote nonbinary in the blank, idk if that is what it was for so *shrug*

OK so let me tell the story about the place though.

When I went in, the person on the phone had told me I'd need to go to a desk that's immediately on the right. And I knew I had to talk to 'access services' or something. And when I got in there, there was a desk to the right called 'access services' and there was no one there. So I figured I'd just wait for someone to come.

Well, this wasn't the desk I was supposed to go to and no one even uses that desk I guess??? So I was just standing around for like 20 min lol ;;;; and uh there were a lot of people in there.

While I was standing there a guy came up to me and asked me if I liked the Colts, then asked me if I was bipolar. When I said I was here about anxiety he apologized because he might be scaring me and told me he loved me (but he wasn't IN love with me lol) and that everything would be okay.

I said thanks lol.

Anyway that made me about die and then I finally went to one of the check-in windows (but I had to wait until everyone in the building was sitting down, which took a while LOL) and asked them what I was supposed to do and they were like uh you were just supposed to come here lol X_X

Anyway, so then I did the paperwork and like, part of it is a little survey like "do u want 2 b ded" and stuff and like, then I had to go to some office with this woman who like... entered it all in the computer... but I was like... not filling out the rest while she was asking me questions and like she thought I needed help and I was trying to explain that like... I just can't switch tasks like that like I can either answer her questions or do the paperwork but not both lol. But I was like so nervous that nothing I said made much sense.

Anyway I finally communicated and she like said she wouldn't ask any more after she finished all her things and let me finish in my own time so I finished it. And then like... I had to get a psych eval but they were already booked for the day, and were going to like... idk, tell me when to come back (like you have to get a walk-in psych eval before you can get an appointment with a therapist here, even tho I like... had a doctor's referral for therapy lmao)

Anyway, like... after looking over my like paperwork the paperwork lady like... called someone on the phone and was like "I have a high-risk client in here and need a doctor" lmao so I guess they like... didn't want me to leave until like... a doctor like calmed me down and told me who to call for suicide or whatever lmaoooo. And I was like hahah yeah I don't use phone. Except I didn't say it to them I just let them talk to me. And when the Dr came in I like... couldn't even introduce myself properly and they were like 'okay let's just calm down don't worry' etc lmao

Anyway like as all this was going on someone came in and was like "hey we have an opening suddenly" and the people were like "oh good thank goodness he needs it" LIKE IDK IT WAS KINDA WEIRD THEY WERE SAYING THIS STUFF IN FRONT OF ME LOL?? But uh like tbh it was kind of nice bc like... people were actually like... taking me seriously and caring??? And uh yeah idk that doesn't happen much LOL

(For the record Dens cares a lot but I also hide a lot from him bc I feel ashamed or anxious about telling him or whatever.)

Anyway, so then I got to have psych eval but they told me I'd have to wait 40 minutes. So I tried to play Scarlet Grace in the lobby but I couldn't concentrate on it and more just like... held my Vita and stared at the floor. And then like, some angry mother was running to all the different clerks and windows and yelling "this is bullshit" because like... she couldn't pick up her daughter's medication when 1. it wasn't her medication to pick up and 2. they aren't even her daughter's pharmacy so even the daughter wouldn't be able to pick it up there because they just literally didn't have it. And while she was yelling at all the staff she was also on the phone and yelling at someone about buying windows or something.

SO I WAS LIKE DYING LOL. But then like she finally went away and like, these two Korean guys came and sat next to me and were speaking Korean and I was like... trying to understand (uh, not to eavesdrop, but to test my Korean -- I couldn't understand enough to eavesdrop anyway LOL) so I could like, focus on that. But uh they were also filling out paperwork but like... one guy was translating it for the other guy but there was some stuff neither of them knew so they like... couldn't fill it out and said they had to come back later when they could like... bring someone who could understand it all and I felt bad for them.

Anyway then the psych eval person came and got me and she was extremely nice and comforting and easy to talk to so that was good, and I often didn't understand questions and had to ask for clarification or like... have her repeat it a lot and she was very patient so yay.

But yeah they ask like a million really specific questions and like... at the end like... give you a list of everything that's wrong with you LMAO. And like, it was pretty much the same list that Dr Nolan gave me on Monday so yay? Also they were like... telling me I have a history of trauma LOLL and I was like ummm are you sure LOL. And they were like uhhhh yeah.

Anyway then like she called someone on the phone to like... set up my first appointment, and like the whole purpose of the eval and everything is so like... they can set you up with a therapist who like... fits you. And like... she was just like "Yeah just give me anyone. I just need a name." And at some point she answered a question with "Male." And I was like UH MY THING SAYS NONBINARY AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T SAY A PREFERENCE FOR MALE THERAPIST (in my head).

Anyway they got me an appointment for the very next day. And she like... asked me if it was okay, and that I could get one later if I wanted like... I guess realizing that's pretty sudden. And I was like no it's fine. Even though I really didn't want to because this was three days in a row doing terrifying things but I was anxious and like didn't say that but also I'm glad I didn't because like... I would have just been terrified for an entire week or more or whatever.

Anyway, so that was that and I had an appointment and went home lol.

Then so yesterday I had to go to therapy. My therapist's name is Val and he's like... an old beardly guy which is cool I guess. But I was like scared the whole time and like staring at the floor and like... trying to make eye contact sometimes but it was hard and like... for a while I think he thought I wasn't listening because I wasn't making eye contact but he didn't ask or say anything just like... would kind of stare at me for a while like... as if waiting for me to respond??? So I started like nodding my head the whole time lol.

Anyway he told me helpful things and it was actually very good (also he said I have history of trauma so uh LOL) but I was like scared the whole time and I think I made him annoyed or something lol. Also at this place they like... walk you everywhere like they don't like just tell you were to go they like... walk with you. Which is good and I like that because I hate walking around places I don't know.

Anyway now I will be going to therapy bi-weekly yay??? Hopefully I won't be so messed up next time and can actually like communicate properly lol. I also was like... mumbling or talking softly a lot I guess and he had to keep asking me to repeat everything loooollllll

Also for some reason we talked about my YouTube channel and Five Nights at Freddy's LOLLLL Well because I was talking about Clock Tower (The First Fear) because I said it had a phone sound in it and I couldn't deal with it and stopped playing XDDD And uh then he said his like grandson plays FNAF or something and I said that game triggers my anxiety and I can't play it but I think it's well-designed LOL. Except I don't remember why we talked about YouTube.

Oh yeah because he asked me what my days were like, like what a typical day was like and I was like... I wake up and feel bad a lot LOLLL. And I said that I eat and like... recently I've been writing these play diaries and then explained them and he asked if other people read them and I was like... uh at least one LOL and then mentioned my YT channel and said lots of people watched it lol idk.

ANYWAY so after all this was over I had had like... four days of things that are very hard for me to do and I was like... so exhausted and like... could barely even stand up and like... even sitting up was hard and I was like "Well, maybe I'll lay in bed and play Scarlet Grace and if I get sleepy I can take a nap."

I pretty much immediately fell asleep (I didn't even finish a battle in SG lol) and then slept for 14 hours straight and then when I woke up I felt even more tired and more exhausted and like... it was a struggle to move like... all my muscles felt weak.

I had corn flakes because I realized I hadn't eaten in a long time since I was sleeping for so long, and it was so hard just to like... pour them and eat them because my body felt so weak that after eating I just kind of like... tumbled to the floor and laid there for like... a couple more hours.

Then I finally got up and like... didn't have the energy to shower even though I was going to see Dens and was like super gross but I just... couldn't. So I like... just kind of sat around until he came and like. Things started feeling very surreal and I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or if this was real life or what.

Dens came and I went to his car and started to feel a lot better and like... explained to him how exhausted I was and he even said like... he realizes therapy is a private thing and won't ask about it but I am free to tell him anything LOL because he's usually very nosy about everything and will ask a ton of things and I die. So I was really happy about that and I told him some stuff and like... when I told him they said I had trauma he was like 'Yeah I don't think your childhood was good' and I was like wtf wtf and then earlier I had told my brother that they said that and he said 'I could have told you that' so I guess everyone else thinks I had a traumatic childhood and I just thought it was normal????????

Anyway we went to buffet and I like was ridic hungry and ate like 4 plates of food and two desserts lmao and then felt kinda sick and then we went to grocery and it was like... scary but I was also like... too tired to be anxious or something and got through it. Like, things were still feeling kind of surreal.

Then we got back to Dens place and I just lounged in chair and played Imperial SaGa lazily while Dens did coloring and talked to me and I started to feel a lot better over time. Then I like made up an excuse of why I wanted to take a shower because I was like... idk too ashamed to say I was just too exhausted even though I'm sure he would have understood and been fine with it lol. So then I took shower and after that I felt a lot better. I'm still kinda tired now but like I don't feel like super fatigued like I did for most of the day.

Anyway probably the most helpful thing (well, it seems helpful at least) that my therapist told me was a way to deal with getting anxious about getting anxious is just to accept it's going ot happen and think of how you don't really have to wait that long until it's over like... IDK it's hard to describe in words because he used example but like...

Basically you wake up feeling anxious for no reason and ofc that makes you more anxious and you're like omfg here we go is this going to be all day? Am I going to fail at everything? Will I even eat?

But instead of like... thinking like that just like... say to yourself like... okay these things usually last like half a day so we only have like 6 hr left I've done this a million times.

And like each time it seems to really bother you just kind of think about it like that. And like, IDK, I really think that might be helpful. Because sometimes I am actually able to "trick" myself into doing things by like... telling myself I don't actually have a problem and I'm just a faker. Of course it's a lie and I know it but like... this is actually not a lie and like... I really do have tons of experience getting through anxiety days so like... I think it might be helpful. I don't think it will just solve the problem of course, but like... I like the sound of it at least. Basically he told me a few like... self-care/coping things like that, and he had to like... redo parts of my psych eval because the person who did it before used like the wrong software or sth (idk).

I also wanted to bring up autism because I feel like it's always abrupt and people are just like 'uh no.' Actually when I talked to the psych eval person she was like... well I can't really say if you have it but that's a good thing to ask your therapist about. And I told her I have like sensory issues and stuff and like... no one things I can possibly be autistic because I like... am decent at having a conversation. Even though like I'm really not and I've just practiced a lot and have a lot of scripts lol. But yeah she said I had good points and should ask so I think I will ask next time maybe. Especially since like... my doctors have like... specifically wanted to focus on anxiety and were "ok one thing at a time" or w/e when I tried to bring it up but during the therapy session after the beginning stuff he just like... asked me what I wanted to work on and I was like IDK I CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS. But eventually I just said I want to be able to be alive without being scared all the time lol. And so he talked about anxiety stuff like... so I'm kinda happy about having a therapist like... it seems a lot more useful than a regular doctor or w/e. I mean, for this type of thing. Having regular doctors are useful for their own things and I'm not saying like Dr Marlin and Dr Nolan are useless; they've both been very helpful and useful and nice to me, I just mean like... there are things that you need therapy for and can't really get that from regular doctor lol.

Anyway so that was my exciting week and I still feel worn out but at least I don't feel like DEAD anymore. And I keep having like little bouts of anxiety but I think my brain is even like... too tired to be anxious and like gives up. So I'm doing a lot of just like... spacing out or doing mindless stuff like Imperial SaGa. But I keep like messing up and using wrong attacks and stuff oops.

Oh also like my ears are weird today like... how they feel when you're in an airplane?

Uh minor game updates tho:

The new imsaga event is like... Monster Hunter theme and they have like... all the SaGa Frontier protags in like... Monster Hunter cosplay and they're kinda cute. I'm tempted to try for the Lute one bc he would suit my team well but I'm not like super into Lute (I do like him a lot but there are charas I like way more that I could potentially get later) and I want to try saving my krowns for when there's finally unsaga content.

Anyway the event is like super easy so I can clear the 9-star without taking damage like... 90% of the time. If I get bad luck with accuracy sometimes I get hit but it's NBD.

In unsaga I like... literally stopped playing in the middle of an adventure because I got anxious or tired or something (or both) so uhhhh I hope I can remember what I was doing. I just used a save state instead of using a quicksave so I can just load my last normal save if I want to.

In sagasca I've been playing a TON but like... it's this extremely tedious quest where you have to like... fight like 50 battles in a row. I'm probably just doing it wrong (it's the ice cap/polar bear thing). I actually think I got past the ice cap part because I made 3 snowmen and I think there's only supposed to be three.

Some people have been revealing the mechanics of certain things on the GameFAQs board to answer ppl's questions (and a few people already have the guidebook) and like... I keep reading it even though I don't want to know everything just yet but like... some of the way mechanics work in this game seem disappointing like... the way glimmers work is really dumb. The magic-learning system was weird at first, but I like it overall.

Actually I say the way glimmers work is dumb but in Rogue Nightmare I was literally going to make a glimmer-like mechanic for learning skills and like... it was going to be exactly like what Scarlet Grace's is pretty much LOLOL. Not exactly, but very similar, in the same way that I'm complaining about so... XD

But basically each character keeps a hidden count of how much BP they've used with each weapon, and then your chance of glimmering is that divided by a certain 'threshold.' So like the first one is 40, so if on your first turn using that character, who has glimmered 0 things for that weapon, and you use a weapon art that costs 2 BP, their chance of glimmering will be 2/40, or 5%. But this also means once you've used 40 BP you're guaranteed a glimmer. And what you glimmer is just completely random -- like you'll just randomly get something from that item's glimmer set lol. But uh once you have glimmered 6 arts or more for a weapon the threshold is freaking huge like.. 10,500 or something. Which means it's ridiculously difficult to glimmer even the weakest most basic arts if you haven't yet.

In Rogue Nightmare I was going to do something very similar, with each weapon skill having a 'level' threshold, and it would be related to your skill level with that weapon. So as you use the weapon, you have a chance of learning the skill early, but once you get to the appropriate level, you'll definitely learn it. But in that game your levels restart to 0 every time you re-enter the dungeon, so it's more a reward for being able to last long enough. You can't really grind in that kind of game. (Once you learn a skill, though, you keep it permanently, even between nightmares.)

I think HP might max at 999 in this game (it does in other SaGa games, and there's no more 'space' for digits other than 3 in the display) and my characters are passing 700 HP. So I think I'm getting kind of far. In unsaga it's normal to have 500-600 HP at the end of the game.

I've also noticed that characters grow more the further they are in strength from the enemy or the party. I actually think in this game, there is a hidden "party level" to assess the party's overall strength. But like, I'll use the same five characters a ton in a row and they'll be growing like... 2-5 HP at the most per battle, some not even growing, and then I'll sub in characters with lower endurance but just generally weaker/underused and they'll be jumping like 10-20 HP every battle.

So you can have characters 'catch up' if you get them late in the game or whatever.

Though the hardest thing seems to be catching them up with arts. Like the new mustache guy I got, because he just got arts new, he still hasn't Ranked them Up much yet so there's things that other characters can do with 1BP that costs him 3BP... it's kind of annoying. It makes him seem super weak compared to others. I'm slowly getting him there, though. But meanwhile everyone else is still powering up and moving ahead of him, so idk...

Anyway I'm super tired and gonna head to bed. I've been meaning to for a while but keep saying I need to finish this entry but then keep like getting distracted lolol.

Feb. 12th, 2017 11:49 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
I was just playing Scarlet Grace and I like... ignored doing something in the game because I didn't want to do stuff out of order because it makes for bad play diary.

But I don't think I should be doing that... XD I mean, it's fine for games I've played tons of times before, but this is my first time playing the game and I want to just experience it how I experience it XD So I'll probably not do that in the future, play diary be damned. I've already written some messed up random entries because I was running all over the place in the game, so...

So much stuff has happened in this game. I feel like I've seen enough content to fill an entire game but I just keep discovering more and more stuff to do. This is the game they should have called "unlimited" hahaha.

Speaking of that game, though, Kurt's scenario is getting close to the end. I don't know if I'm going to keep going past the final story event and clear all the subadventures or whatever. I think I might just go to the end once I feel the party is good enough (I feel like they're pretty close anyway). But I should be able to finish it in a couple more play sessions. But probably longer, because I think I'm going to split the save file just before the final story progression event happens and go to the final boss from there, and then go back and go on and go to the final boss again... so I have to beat it twice lmao. But I want to show the difference in the story paths, because it's only the final adventure that is different.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, with the psych. I am scared lol. I really shouldn't be, though. But you know, that's how it works. I don't know what they are going to want me to say and stuff. And I'm not good at saying stuff on my own. I'm not really good at answering questions in general. I guess this is a thing other people can do, but when people ask me "what do you think about..." or "how do you feel about..." I don't really understand what these questions mean. I don't know what kind of answer I'm supposed to be giving.

Like, it's not that I'm afraid to be honest or open it's that I literally can't understand the question. Like what does it mean to say what you "think about something" ?? I don't get it. I don't just have some kind of single thought about it? I mean, the amount of thoughts I could give it are theoretically infinite? What do you say? What kind of thought? Whenever I try to ask people though, they just get mad lol. It's even worse with how I "feel" because I usually feel nothing or it's just as endless and complex as how I "think" about it so...

But that's the kinds of things doctors ask you lmao.

I'm also afraid to like... bring up autism because my regular doctor like... dismissed it so quickly. It makes it intimidating. But the guy I'm seeing apparently works with autistic people, so... maybe he will be more understanding and helpful about it.

Also yesterday Dennis said he was worried he may have been coming down with a flu or something, because he had a headache and was feeling a bit nauseous. I said that I was feeling those things, too, but I figured it was just anxiety. He asked me why I was feeling anxious and I said "because I have an anxiety disorder." And after I said it I suddenly felt scared because I realized it was a thing that sounded sarcastic or smart-ass or whatever, even though it wasn't meant to be. It was just the answer to what I was asked. And I was really afraid he was going to get mad or whatever.

But he actually gave me a hug and asked what he could do. And I just kind of talked about it a little, even though talking doesn't really help, but more just to help him understand since he was willing to listen. And it was nice. Anxiety + relationship is surprisingly a difficult thing.

You would think that it would just be natural for people who love each other to just... accept these kinds of things and be helpful but. It's not so easy. It's hard for someone without a problem like this to really understand what it's like. And when people can't relate to stuff, they tend to feel like other people are wrong or making it up or something. Plus having anxiety all the time and being unable to do basic things like get out of bed or go to the grocery or have a conversation is really taxing on the other person. It messes with their day. It is frustrating and confusing. And that wears on people over time. It's easy for them to get frustrated, bottle it up for a while until they're really upset about it. They start holding it against you, thinking that you're being selfish.

It's not just Dennis -- this is how everyone reacts lol. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I was selfish or asked why I can't think of others because I was mentally incapable of doing something, beyond my control. And I already felt bad that I was letting other people down or inconveniencing others or whatever and having them blame me to my face only makes that worse.

But that is kind of just my life lolol.

Uh the main reason I said that though is because I really appreciate Dennis a lot because he really does try hard. And there have been times that he has made mistakes or gotten frustrated or I didn't communicate myself properly and I was upset with him about these things, and I tend to rant about that a lot, but I don't talk as much about how much I can really tell he tries a lot and really wants to be supportive.

Anyway I wrote myself an email called "why you are broken" lol. So I can look at it in the appointment and have things to say.

I guess I will write about it here in more detail, mostly to organize my thoughts, but if you want to know what my struggles are like, I guess you can read it XD

I'm not going to cover everything that was in the email, like I just made a list of physical symptoms like headache and stuff, but I don't think that's really something I need to work out thoughts on. I know what headache is.

Read more... )

Feb. 12th, 2017 06:25 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
There are so many hot old guys in Scarlet Grace I am having trouble deciding who to put in my party.

This is... the first time this has ever happened in an RPG...
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
I just realized last time I titled the last post fish/witch/fire people but then decided to split the fish/witch part into a separate post, so it probably sounds super weird now.


Read more... )
marchionessofmustache: (Default)

Our adventures now bring us back to Termina, where the protagonist Taria seems to live. I know this because there is a building called "Taria's Workshop" that I have yet to visit, and I want to see if maybe we can recruit her.

This is where we came before and saw Phoenix land near some mountains, and now some people are doing something with fire up there or something... but other than that we didn't do much here.

I also want to correct a mistake I made before -- in some earlier entry I said I had gone and "actually" gotten Lamar at that point and finished up the Cerenaif stuff at that point.

Well, that was wrong. This is where I actually did it, so Lamar hasn't been in the party until now actually. But now we officially do have Lamar, and he's already rocking hammers.

Read more... )


marchionessofmustache: (Default)

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