Apr. 26th, 2017

an update

Apr. 26th, 2017 02:14 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
SOOO THINGS.

I don't remember what all has happened since I last updated because I don't even remember when that was but... here's the main things, in chronological order, I guess:

My phone broke and I had to get a new one (I was due for an 'upgrade' anyway) so now I have an Android and I miss my Windows Phone, but this is fun, and it's at least not Apple. Also there are all these games and stuff I couldn't play before. Which leads to the next thing...

Now I've become addicted to a bunch of stupid phone games like... I even have trouble leaving bed lol X_X; I need to just uninstall them all except for a couple (I'll keep at least Miitomo and Sailor Moon Drops but all the others IDK lol...)

But yeah so I've done much of nothing since I got the new phone which was almost a week ago. Then I accidentally racked up a ton of data because the WiFi went out for like 2 seconds while I was loading something in Pokémon ... Duel? Whatever that trading figure game is (which is not good, don't play it) and we only get 300MB/mo and I used 360MB all at once... if it wasn't for our rollover data, I would have cost Dens $20 which is a lot for us X_X

OK so that pretty much describes all I've done for like a week.

Then last night, I overheard my dad talking on the phone to his mom, and I guess my grandpa like... said that he's "shutting down" and is just laying around and won't do anything (he has cancer and is refusing medical treatment) and they are worried he is about to die.

Sooooo uh scary. This probably sounds horrible but I'm not particularly concerned with him dying (since I think he feels like it's his time and he's suffering and stuff and I think he feels like he had a good life so...) but I am worried about two things:

First, I'm worried about my dad. Excluding me, my dad and my extended family are VERY close. He visits or does something with his family at least once a week. I don't know any other adults that are like that lol. I mean other than us millennials who still live with their parents. Anyway, this will be the first major death in the Hanshew family, and it's going to affect everyone a lot... I could tell from the way that he was talking that he was very scared and upset, but trying to pretend not to be. So I'm really worried about how he is going to feel going forward...

And secondly, quite selfishly, I'm worried about myself. Not about being sad but... I have a feeling everyone is going to expect me to... react and interact in ways I don't need or want to, and at the same time, I'll have to be dealing with everyone else's reactions and interactions.

Like, maybe this is an autism thing, but things just... really don't affect me much?? And I don't think people dying is sad or whatever? I mean, it will be different when it's someone like Dens or something but like... I am so detached from almost everyone that it really... doesn't matter?

So like, I'm worried about having to like... put up with it, I guess. I know that sounds horrible, and it's partly because I can't explain it better. Like, I feel bad that everyone else has to go through it because I realize that everyone else will be affected strongly but like... it's going to be difficult for me either having to fake being affected or having to face judgment for showing I'm unaffected.

But yeah. I am worried most about my dad though. And now I have more things to be anxious about, which means more reluctance to do anything but play stupid phone games. I feel selfish making this all about me but I'm just... writing about me because this is my journal lol. Like I'm not intending to detract from anyone else's experience and definitely am not going to be like saying this stuff to other people or whatever.

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