Feb. 17th, 2017 07:58 pm
marchionessofmustache: (Default)
[personal profile] marchionessofmustache
Sooooo this week has been pretty bad but not bad just like... I'm so exhausted now.

On Monday I had appointment with new psychologist. He is a nice guy and I was very comfortable with him. He doesn't make eye contact and is pretty blunt and those things are easy for me lmao. He also looks like egg (in cute way). I think I talked about this already because I remember saying the egg thing.

Then on Tuesday I had to make a phone call which as always is like an ALL DAY EVENT and is bad.

The phone call I made on Tuesday was for a thing I had to do on Wednesday -- well, I didn't have to do it on Wednesday, but I knew I would just worry about it until I did it, and I was already at the laundromat (at like 6AM so there was no one there) and I was already awake and able and stuff and idk it was just a very good opportunity so I just made myself do it, which was VERY HARD but I did it.

Anyway, the Wednesday thing was getting registered for therapy and getting a psych evaluation and this place -- it's this place that I wasn't very comfortable about before because their website refers to patients as "clients" and they have testimonials, and they seem like ridiculously focused on like... making the "clients" get jobs. Like if you hid the name you would 100% think it was an employment agency...

Anyway, so I felt like that is not really a proper environment for getting better because I was worried they'd like... just push for you to work and try to find ways for you to work and not focus on like... the actual problems you're having?

But uh it actually wasn't like that but uhhh the website still gives me that feeling and I still don't like how they call patients "clients" (they do this in the facility too??) but when I actually went there they were like... not all about jobs lol.

Anyway, on the like... paperwork they had a like 'assigned sex' and 'gender expression' part so that was cool. The gender expression had like... male and female and then like a blank so I wrote nonbinary in the blank, idk if that is what it was for so *shrug*

OK so let me tell the story about the place though.

When I went in, the person on the phone had told me I'd need to go to a desk that's immediately on the right. And I knew I had to talk to 'access services' or something. And when I got in there, there was a desk to the right called 'access services' and there was no one there. So I figured I'd just wait for someone to come.

Well, this wasn't the desk I was supposed to go to and no one even uses that desk I guess??? So I was just standing around for like 20 min lol ;;;; and uh there were a lot of people in there.

While I was standing there a guy came up to me and asked me if I liked the Colts, then asked me if I was bipolar. When I said I was here about anxiety he apologized because he might be scaring me and told me he loved me (but he wasn't IN love with me lol) and that everything would be okay.

I said thanks lol.

Anyway that made me about die and then I finally went to one of the check-in windows (but I had to wait until everyone in the building was sitting down, which took a while LOL) and asked them what I was supposed to do and they were like uh you were just supposed to come here lol X_X

Anyway, so then I did the paperwork and like, part of it is a little survey like "do u want 2 b ded" and stuff and like, then I had to go to some office with this woman who like... entered it all in the computer... but I was like... not filling out the rest while she was asking me questions and like she thought I needed help and I was trying to explain that like... I just can't switch tasks like that like I can either answer her questions or do the paperwork but not both lol. But I was like so nervous that nothing I said made much sense.

Anyway I finally communicated and she like said she wouldn't ask any more after she finished all her things and let me finish in my own time so I finished it. And then like... I had to get a psych eval but they were already booked for the day, and were going to like... idk, tell me when to come back (like you have to get a walk-in psych eval before you can get an appointment with a therapist here, even tho I like... had a doctor's referral for therapy lmao)

Anyway, like... after looking over my like paperwork the paperwork lady like... called someone on the phone and was like "I have a high-risk client in here and need a doctor" lmao so I guess they like... didn't want me to leave until like... a doctor like calmed me down and told me who to call for suicide or whatever lmaoooo. And I was like hahah yeah I don't use phone. Except I didn't say it to them I just let them talk to me. And when the Dr came in I like... couldn't even introduce myself properly and they were like 'okay let's just calm down don't worry' etc lmao

Anyway like as all this was going on someone came in and was like "hey we have an opening suddenly" and the people were like "oh good thank goodness he needs it" LIKE IDK IT WAS KINDA WEIRD THEY WERE SAYING THIS STUFF IN FRONT OF ME LOL?? But uh like tbh it was kind of nice bc like... people were actually like... taking me seriously and caring??? And uh yeah idk that doesn't happen much LOL

(For the record Dens cares a lot but I also hide a lot from him bc I feel ashamed or anxious about telling him or whatever.)

Anyway, so then I got to have psych eval but they told me I'd have to wait 40 minutes. So I tried to play Scarlet Grace in the lobby but I couldn't concentrate on it and more just like... held my Vita and stared at the floor. And then like, some angry mother was running to all the different clerks and windows and yelling "this is bullshit" because like... she couldn't pick up her daughter's medication when 1. it wasn't her medication to pick up and 2. they aren't even her daughter's pharmacy so even the daughter wouldn't be able to pick it up there because they just literally didn't have it. And while she was yelling at all the staff she was also on the phone and yelling at someone about buying windows or something.

SO I WAS LIKE DYING LOL. But then like she finally went away and like, these two Korean guys came and sat next to me and were speaking Korean and I was like... trying to understand (uh, not to eavesdrop, but to test my Korean -- I couldn't understand enough to eavesdrop anyway LOL) so I could like, focus on that. But uh they were also filling out paperwork but like... one guy was translating it for the other guy but there was some stuff neither of them knew so they like... couldn't fill it out and said they had to come back later when they could like... bring someone who could understand it all and I felt bad for them.

Anyway then the psych eval person came and got me and she was extremely nice and comforting and easy to talk to so that was good, and I often didn't understand questions and had to ask for clarification or like... have her repeat it a lot and she was very patient so yay.

But yeah they ask like a million really specific questions and like... at the end like... give you a list of everything that's wrong with you LMAO. And like, it was pretty much the same list that Dr Nolan gave me on Monday so yay? Also they were like... telling me I have a history of trauma LOLL and I was like ummm are you sure LOL. And they were like uhhhh yeah.

Anyway then like she called someone on the phone to like... set up my first appointment, and like the whole purpose of the eval and everything is so like... they can set you up with a therapist who like... fits you. And like... she was just like "Yeah just give me anyone. I just need a name." And at some point she answered a question with "Male." And I was like UH MY THING SAYS NONBINARY AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T SAY A PREFERENCE FOR MALE THERAPIST (in my head).

Anyway they got me an appointment for the very next day. And she like... asked me if it was okay, and that I could get one later if I wanted like... I guess realizing that's pretty sudden. And I was like no it's fine. Even though I really didn't want to because this was three days in a row doing terrifying things but I was anxious and like didn't say that but also I'm glad I didn't because like... I would have just been terrified for an entire week or more or whatever.

Anyway, so that was that and I had an appointment and went home lol.

Then so yesterday I had to go to therapy. My therapist's name is Val and he's like... an old beardly guy which is cool I guess. But I was like scared the whole time and like staring at the floor and like... trying to make eye contact sometimes but it was hard and like... for a while I think he thought I wasn't listening because I wasn't making eye contact but he didn't ask or say anything just like... would kind of stare at me for a while like... as if waiting for me to respond??? So I started like nodding my head the whole time lol.

Anyway he told me helpful things and it was actually very good (also he said I have history of trauma so uh LOL) but I was like scared the whole time and I think I made him annoyed or something lol. Also at this place they like... walk you everywhere like they don't like just tell you were to go they like... walk with you. Which is good and I like that because I hate walking around places I don't know.

Anyway now I will be going to therapy bi-weekly yay??? Hopefully I won't be so messed up next time and can actually like communicate properly lol. I also was like... mumbling or talking softly a lot I guess and he had to keep asking me to repeat everything loooollllll

Also for some reason we talked about my YouTube channel and Five Nights at Freddy's LOLLLL Well because I was talking about Clock Tower (The First Fear) because I said it had a phone sound in it and I couldn't deal with it and stopped playing XDDD And uh then he said his like grandson plays FNAF or something and I said that game triggers my anxiety and I can't play it but I think it's well-designed LOL. Except I don't remember why we talked about YouTube.

Oh yeah because he asked me what my days were like, like what a typical day was like and I was like... I wake up and feel bad a lot LOLLL. And I said that I eat and like... recently I've been writing these play diaries and then explained them and he asked if other people read them and I was like... uh at least one LOL and then mentioned my YT channel and said lots of people watched it lol idk.

ANYWAY so after all this was over I had had like... four days of things that are very hard for me to do and I was like... so exhausted and like... could barely even stand up and like... even sitting up was hard and I was like "Well, maybe I'll lay in bed and play Scarlet Grace and if I get sleepy I can take a nap."

I pretty much immediately fell asleep (I didn't even finish a battle in SG lol) and then slept for 14 hours straight and then when I woke up I felt even more tired and more exhausted and like... it was a struggle to move like... all my muscles felt weak.

I had corn flakes because I realized I hadn't eaten in a long time since I was sleeping for so long, and it was so hard just to like... pour them and eat them because my body felt so weak that after eating I just kind of like... tumbled to the floor and laid there for like... a couple more hours.

Then I finally got up and like... didn't have the energy to shower even though I was going to see Dens and was like super gross but I just... couldn't. So I like... just kind of sat around until he came and like. Things started feeling very surreal and I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or if this was real life or what.

Dens came and I went to his car and started to feel a lot better and like... explained to him how exhausted I was and he even said like... he realizes therapy is a private thing and won't ask about it but I am free to tell him anything LOL because he's usually very nosy about everything and will ask a ton of things and I die. So I was really happy about that and I told him some stuff and like... when I told him they said I had trauma he was like 'Yeah I don't think your childhood was good' and I was like wtf wtf and then earlier I had told my brother that they said that and he said 'I could have told you that' so I guess everyone else thinks I had a traumatic childhood and I just thought it was normal????????

Anyway we went to buffet and I like was ridic hungry and ate like 4 plates of food and two desserts lmao and then felt kinda sick and then we went to grocery and it was like... scary but I was also like... too tired to be anxious or something and got through it. Like, things were still feeling kind of surreal.

Then we got back to Dens place and I just lounged in chair and played Imperial SaGa lazily while Dens did coloring and talked to me and I started to feel a lot better over time. Then I like made up an excuse of why I wanted to take a shower because I was like... idk too ashamed to say I was just too exhausted even though I'm sure he would have understood and been fine with it lol. So then I took shower and after that I felt a lot better. I'm still kinda tired now but like I don't feel like super fatigued like I did for most of the day.

Anyway probably the most helpful thing (well, it seems helpful at least) that my therapist told me was a way to deal with getting anxious about getting anxious is just to accept it's going ot happen and think of how you don't really have to wait that long until it's over like... IDK it's hard to describe in words because he used example but like...

Basically you wake up feeling anxious for no reason and ofc that makes you more anxious and you're like omfg here we go is this going to be all day? Am I going to fail at everything? Will I even eat?

But instead of like... thinking like that just like... say to yourself like... okay these things usually last like half a day so we only have like 6 hr left I've done this a million times.

And like each time it seems to really bother you just kind of think about it like that. And like, IDK, I really think that might be helpful. Because sometimes I am actually able to "trick" myself into doing things by like... telling myself I don't actually have a problem and I'm just a faker. Of course it's a lie and I know it but like... this is actually not a lie and like... I really do have tons of experience getting through anxiety days so like... I think it might be helpful. I don't think it will just solve the problem of course, but like... I like the sound of it at least. Basically he told me a few like... self-care/coping things like that, and he had to like... redo parts of my psych eval because the person who did it before used like the wrong software or sth (idk).

I also wanted to bring up autism because I feel like it's always abrupt and people are just like 'uh no.' Actually when I talked to the psych eval person she was like... well I can't really say if you have it but that's a good thing to ask your therapist about. And I told her I have like sensory issues and stuff and like... no one things I can possibly be autistic because I like... am decent at having a conversation. Even though like I'm really not and I've just practiced a lot and have a lot of scripts lol. But yeah she said I had good points and should ask so I think I will ask next time maybe. Especially since like... my doctors have like... specifically wanted to focus on anxiety and were "ok one thing at a time" or w/e when I tried to bring it up but during the therapy session after the beginning stuff he just like... asked me what I wanted to work on and I was like IDK I CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS. But eventually I just said I want to be able to be alive without being scared all the time lol. And so he talked about anxiety stuff like... so I'm kinda happy about having a therapist like... it seems a lot more useful than a regular doctor or w/e. I mean, for this type of thing. Having regular doctors are useful for their own things and I'm not saying like Dr Marlin and Dr Nolan are useless; they've both been very helpful and useful and nice to me, I just mean like... there are things that you need therapy for and can't really get that from regular doctor lol.

Anyway so that was my exciting week and I still feel worn out but at least I don't feel like DEAD anymore. And I keep having like little bouts of anxiety but I think my brain is even like... too tired to be anxious and like gives up. So I'm doing a lot of just like... spacing out or doing mindless stuff like Imperial SaGa. But I keep like messing up and using wrong attacks and stuff oops.

Oh also like my ears are weird today like... how they feel when you're in an airplane?

Uh minor game updates tho:

The new imsaga event is like... Monster Hunter theme and they have like... all the SaGa Frontier protags in like... Monster Hunter cosplay and they're kinda cute. I'm tempted to try for the Lute one bc he would suit my team well but I'm not like super into Lute (I do like him a lot but there are charas I like way more that I could potentially get later) and I want to try saving my krowns for when there's finally unsaga content.

Anyway the event is like super easy so I can clear the 9-star without taking damage like... 90% of the time. If I get bad luck with accuracy sometimes I get hit but it's NBD.

In unsaga I like... literally stopped playing in the middle of an adventure because I got anxious or tired or something (or both) so uhhhh I hope I can remember what I was doing. I just used a save state instead of using a quicksave so I can just load my last normal save if I want to.

In sagasca I've been playing a TON but like... it's this extremely tedious quest where you have to like... fight like 50 battles in a row. I'm probably just doing it wrong (it's the ice cap/polar bear thing). I actually think I got past the ice cap part because I made 3 snowmen and I think there's only supposed to be three.

Some people have been revealing the mechanics of certain things on the GameFAQs board to answer ppl's questions (and a few people already have the guidebook) and like... I keep reading it even though I don't want to know everything just yet but like... some of the way mechanics work in this game seem disappointing like... the way glimmers work is really dumb. The magic-learning system was weird at first, but I like it overall.

Actually I say the way glimmers work is dumb but in Rogue Nightmare I was literally going to make a glimmer-like mechanic for learning skills and like... it was going to be exactly like what Scarlet Grace's is pretty much LOLOL. Not exactly, but very similar, in the same way that I'm complaining about so... XD

But basically each character keeps a hidden count of how much BP they've used with each weapon, and then your chance of glimmering is that divided by a certain 'threshold.' So like the first one is 40, so if on your first turn using that character, who has glimmered 0 things for that weapon, and you use a weapon art that costs 2 BP, their chance of glimmering will be 2/40, or 5%. But this also means once you've used 40 BP you're guaranteed a glimmer. And what you glimmer is just completely random -- like you'll just randomly get something from that item's glimmer set lol. But uh once you have glimmered 6 arts or more for a weapon the threshold is freaking huge like.. 10,500 or something. Which means it's ridiculously difficult to glimmer even the weakest most basic arts if you haven't yet.

In Rogue Nightmare I was going to do something very similar, with each weapon skill having a 'level' threshold, and it would be related to your skill level with that weapon. So as you use the weapon, you have a chance of learning the skill early, but once you get to the appropriate level, you'll definitely learn it. But in that game your levels restart to 0 every time you re-enter the dungeon, so it's more a reward for being able to last long enough. You can't really grind in that kind of game. (Once you learn a skill, though, you keep it permanently, even between nightmares.)

I think HP might max at 999 in this game (it does in other SaGa games, and there's no more 'space' for digits other than 3 in the display) and my characters are passing 700 HP. So I think I'm getting kind of far. In unsaga it's normal to have 500-600 HP at the end of the game.

I've also noticed that characters grow more the further they are in strength from the enemy or the party. I actually think in this game, there is a hidden "party level" to assess the party's overall strength. But like, I'll use the same five characters a ton in a row and they'll be growing like... 2-5 HP at the most per battle, some not even growing, and then I'll sub in characters with lower endurance but just generally weaker/underused and they'll be jumping like 10-20 HP every battle.

So you can have characters 'catch up' if you get them late in the game or whatever.

Though the hardest thing seems to be catching them up with arts. Like the new mustache guy I got, because he just got arts new, he still hasn't Ranked them Up much yet so there's things that other characters can do with 1BP that costs him 3BP... it's kind of annoying. It makes him seem super weak compared to others. I'm slowly getting him there, though. But meanwhile everyone else is still powering up and moving ahead of him, so idk...

Anyway I'm super tired and gonna head to bed. I've been meaning to for a while but keep saying I need to finish this entry but then keep like getting distracted lolol.


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