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Jan. 11th, 2017 09:21 amwawwawa, so I made a phone call today. I called back the psych people like 5 minutes after they called me. It helps if I'm super tired because I don't have time to get scared or something???????? Plus I had been anticipating this so I was a bit braced for it. Everyone had just left for the laundromat so I knew it was the perfect time to make a phone call and just did it.
So now I have a psych appointment. Yay. It's in about a month. It's on a Monday which is good because every appointment I've had has been on a Monday so far. But it's on the 13th, which is the day before V-day, and Dens will probably be sad that I have to leave the day before V-day.
Anyway, I looked up the doctor that the phone person said I was going to have an appointment with, and it's not the hot mustache guy from the psych department lmaoooo. The guy I'm seeing is a baldie, though. To be honest I'd rather see a woman but I've already had enough difficulty getting an appointment in the first place so I can't really afford to be picky. Apparently this guy seems to know a bit about neurological disorders, because on his profile thingy it listed autism and ADD as things he "treats," though they weren't part of his "green list" which are things he apparently has a lot of patients for or something, but those included phobia, anxiety, and depression (I would assume he has more patients with those things because they're much more common) soooo hopefully this is somebody who knows about the things I am dealing with lmao, and hopefully he'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I might be autistic than my regular doctor who dismissed it immediately within like 5 minutes of meeting me.
I love Dr Marlin though and she is very helpful and considerate. I think that the autistic world is something a lot of people just don't know about so I can't really blame her and it's not like it's her specialty or something, and she still suggested I get full neuropsych testing, but the place she referred me to didn't do that, and was kind of rude to me on the phone, and before I even got my insurance, I was looking at things in the network and that place really made me feel uncomfortable so I never ended up going.
But yeah APPOINTMENT. Now I have something else to worry about for another month yayayay
I'm on a higher dosage of Prozac now. I think it's hard to really communicate what is even wrong with me because 1. that is part of what is wrong with me and 2. there is just so much???
And um I looked up this psych dude on those like dr-rating websites and like half the reviews are like 'best ever so wonderful listens to everything and helps so much' and the other half are like 'stole my money wouldn't listen to a single word doesn't care' so it's like... hahahaha. No one really gave any details, so I guess it's better not to really worry about any of it.
I think it's easy to feel like people are not listening to you when you're having difficulty communicating. Dennis has a lot of trouble communicating these days and often feels like I'm not listening or not trying when honestly he's just not making any sense. And I know that a lot of times I don't make any sense when I'm talking to Dr Marlin, especially because I'm trying to explain a lifetime of mental disorder in 15 minutes while having a lot of anxiety about how to explain it, and sometimes it feels like she's not listening. But she is listening, she just has a lot to try to understand and I'm not really helping make it any easier. But I think some people would just get frustrated and accuse the other person of not listening. So I think whenever I hear people say that their doctors are not listening, I immediately give the doctor the benefit of the doubt. Because I think doctors honestly have a very hard job, and everyone describes their problems differently, and most people think that because their problems are obvious and familiar to themselves, that they should be that obvious to someone else when they explain them.
But the problem with this benefit of doubt is that there are doctors who don't listen, and doctors who just go through the motions or are more interested in selling drugs or maintaining regular appointments are not entirely uncommon. There are doctors with biases and doctors with prejudice and doctors who simply don't care. Doctors are just people and they come with all the hideous flaws that all people have. And so it's not unreasonable to think that people's doctors simply don't listen, or are perhaps too proud to consider where they may make mistakes enough, things like that.
Anyway, I'm mostly just rambling because I'm nervous and still trying to calm down from the terror of making a two-minute phone call. I've actually been here clattering around at the keyboard for almost an hour now. I should probably get up and make some coffee and go to the bathroom. Not that I have anything to do. I do want to get back to reading my book though.
I actually ended up spending all of yesterday reading. It's rare that I'm actually able to read without being too distracted (maybe it's the Prozac???) and so I took the opportunity to do nothing but read for the entire day. I did eat a couple times, and took a few breaks to chug away at some grinding I have to do in Imperial SaGa, but other than probably about an hour or two of combined time doing all that, and then writing the unsaga entry before going to bed (the gameplay was done the day before), I was pretty much on the floor with a book the entire day. And I still didn't finish! Well, I read slow. And I'm ALMOST done. Everything is wrapping up in the story already. But I decided to take a little break and ended up writing the unsaga entry, and got too tired by the end to continue reading.
In a way, I was hoping to finish the book before my dad went to the laundromat today, so I could ask him to drop the book off in the return slot (the library is very close to the laundromat), but alas, I did not. But it's not due til tomorrow, and I'll be visiting Dens a day early this week, so I can have him take me when he picks me up (the library is also close to the apartment lol. I can walk there but it's a bit further than the grocery and the weather recently is not great for walking.
I realize I can just renew my loan on the book but I have anxiety about doing that for no reason and I'm quite enjoying it anyway just actually want to finish it. I'll be done well before anyone else in the book club because everyone else is going through stuff right now lol. But it's an interesting story and I'll probably be posting about it soon.
I'm at 95-day streak on KA right now (!!!) so only 5 more days until I get my 100-day badge thingy. I'm going a bit slow in my general progress though because matrices are a lot to wrap your head around. But only the beginning, I think. Once you really start to get it, it makes a lot more sense. But I've been slow to reach that point, because whenever matrices are taught, they're taught very mechanically, and it's very hard to grasp even what the point of them are.
I guess it helps that I understand a bit about the general concept of how computer animation works, even if I don't understand it in detail enough to know the matrix functions going on underneath. But the more I practice manipulating and using matrices the more it's starting to make sense. It really helps to understand that they are a human construct, a tool designed to perform a function, rather than a tool designed to represent and communicate an observed relationship.
OK, I've now taken a shower even (!) and made coffee, so I guess I'll get back to reading, idk. Recently I feel like I can't do anything (what else is new, lol, but I mean it's particularly disabling right now) so it's hard to start anything. I was very lucky that I got into reading when I did yesterday. I'm pretty excited to finish, and even though the book is literally inches (I really overuse 'literally' anymore, something I used to be annoyed when others would do) from my fingers, picking it up and opening it seems... so hard... even though... I want to...
So I guess I'll stop typing here and just... force myself to do it. Which again is easier said than done lol.
OH OH OH but I did want to talk about Civ. I've been playing a lot of Civ 5 recently, because X gifted it to me. We've been playing together, too. I actually have like multiplayer games going with many people right now lol. But anyway... yeah, IDK, I don't have a lot to say, really. I wanted to comment on all the little things that happened but I don't remember any now, and you can see it all by looking through my screencaps on Steam. But there are so many hot leaders lmaoooooooooo. Also I got Tycho Brahe as a scientist which was quite exciting.
Anyway, I guess I don't actually have much to say about that. I'll just go now.
So now I have a psych appointment. Yay. It's in about a month. It's on a Monday which is good because every appointment I've had has been on a Monday so far. But it's on the 13th, which is the day before V-day, and Dens will probably be sad that I have to leave the day before V-day.
Anyway, I looked up the doctor that the phone person said I was going to have an appointment with, and it's not the hot mustache guy from the psych department lmaoooo. The guy I'm seeing is a baldie, though. To be honest I'd rather see a woman but I've already had enough difficulty getting an appointment in the first place so I can't really afford to be picky. Apparently this guy seems to know a bit about neurological disorders, because on his profile thingy it listed autism and ADD as things he "treats," though they weren't part of his "green list" which are things he apparently has a lot of patients for or something, but those included phobia, anxiety, and depression (I would assume he has more patients with those things because they're much more common) soooo hopefully this is somebody who knows about the things I am dealing with lmao, and hopefully he'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I might be autistic than my regular doctor who dismissed it immediately within like 5 minutes of meeting me.
I love Dr Marlin though and she is very helpful and considerate. I think that the autistic world is something a lot of people just don't know about so I can't really blame her and it's not like it's her specialty or something, and she still suggested I get full neuropsych testing, but the place she referred me to didn't do that, and was kind of rude to me on the phone, and before I even got my insurance, I was looking at things in the network and that place really made me feel uncomfortable so I never ended up going.
But yeah APPOINTMENT. Now I have something else to worry about for another month yayayay
I'm on a higher dosage of Prozac now. I think it's hard to really communicate what is even wrong with me because 1. that is part of what is wrong with me and 2. there is just so much???
And um I looked up this psych dude on those like dr-rating websites and like half the reviews are like 'best ever so wonderful listens to everything and helps so much' and the other half are like 'stole my money wouldn't listen to a single word doesn't care' so it's like... hahahaha. No one really gave any details, so I guess it's better not to really worry about any of it.
I think it's easy to feel like people are not listening to you when you're having difficulty communicating. Dennis has a lot of trouble communicating these days and often feels like I'm not listening or not trying when honestly he's just not making any sense. And I know that a lot of times I don't make any sense when I'm talking to Dr Marlin, especially because I'm trying to explain a lifetime of mental disorder in 15 minutes while having a lot of anxiety about how to explain it, and sometimes it feels like she's not listening. But she is listening, she just has a lot to try to understand and I'm not really helping make it any easier. But I think some people would just get frustrated and accuse the other person of not listening. So I think whenever I hear people say that their doctors are not listening, I immediately give the doctor the benefit of the doubt. Because I think doctors honestly have a very hard job, and everyone describes their problems differently, and most people think that because their problems are obvious and familiar to themselves, that they should be that obvious to someone else when they explain them.
But the problem with this benefit of doubt is that there are doctors who don't listen, and doctors who just go through the motions or are more interested in selling drugs or maintaining regular appointments are not entirely uncommon. There are doctors with biases and doctors with prejudice and doctors who simply don't care. Doctors are just people and they come with all the hideous flaws that all people have. And so it's not unreasonable to think that people's doctors simply don't listen, or are perhaps too proud to consider where they may make mistakes enough, things like that.
Anyway, I'm mostly just rambling because I'm nervous and still trying to calm down from the terror of making a two-minute phone call. I've actually been here clattering around at the keyboard for almost an hour now. I should probably get up and make some coffee and go to the bathroom. Not that I have anything to do. I do want to get back to reading my book though.
I actually ended up spending all of yesterday reading. It's rare that I'm actually able to read without being too distracted (maybe it's the Prozac???) and so I took the opportunity to do nothing but read for the entire day. I did eat a couple times, and took a few breaks to chug away at some grinding I have to do in Imperial SaGa, but other than probably about an hour or two of combined time doing all that, and then writing the unsaga entry before going to bed (the gameplay was done the day before), I was pretty much on the floor with a book the entire day. And I still didn't finish! Well, I read slow. And I'm ALMOST done. Everything is wrapping up in the story already. But I decided to take a little break and ended up writing the unsaga entry, and got too tired by the end to continue reading.
In a way, I was hoping to finish the book before my dad went to the laundromat today, so I could ask him to drop the book off in the return slot (the library is very close to the laundromat), but alas, I did not. But it's not due til tomorrow, and I'll be visiting Dens a day early this week, so I can have him take me when he picks me up (the library is also close to the apartment lol. I can walk there but it's a bit further than the grocery and the weather recently is not great for walking.
I realize I can just renew my loan on the book but I have anxiety about doing that for no reason and I'm quite enjoying it anyway just actually want to finish it. I'll be done well before anyone else in the book club because everyone else is going through stuff right now lol. But it's an interesting story and I'll probably be posting about it soon.
I'm at 95-day streak on KA right now (!!!) so only 5 more days until I get my 100-day badge thingy. I'm going a bit slow in my general progress though because matrices are a lot to wrap your head around. But only the beginning, I think. Once you really start to get it, it makes a lot more sense. But I've been slow to reach that point, because whenever matrices are taught, they're taught very mechanically, and it's very hard to grasp even what the point of them are.
I guess it helps that I understand a bit about the general concept of how computer animation works, even if I don't understand it in detail enough to know the matrix functions going on underneath. But the more I practice manipulating and using matrices the more it's starting to make sense. It really helps to understand that they are a human construct, a tool designed to perform a function, rather than a tool designed to represent and communicate an observed relationship.
OK, I've now taken a shower even (!) and made coffee, so I guess I'll get back to reading, idk. Recently I feel like I can't do anything (what else is new, lol, but I mean it's particularly disabling right now) so it's hard to start anything. I was very lucky that I got into reading when I did yesterday. I'm pretty excited to finish, and even though the book is literally inches (I really overuse 'literally' anymore, something I used to be annoyed when others would do) from my fingers, picking it up and opening it seems... so hard... even though... I want to...
So I guess I'll stop typing here and just... force myself to do it. Which again is easier said than done lol.
OH OH OH but I did want to talk about Civ. I've been playing a lot of Civ 5 recently, because X gifted it to me. We've been playing together, too. I actually have like multiplayer games going with many people right now lol. But anyway... yeah, IDK, I don't have a lot to say, really. I wanted to comment on all the little things that happened but I don't remember any now, and you can see it all by looking through my screencaps on Steam. But there are so many hot leaders lmaoooooooooo. Also I got Tycho Brahe as a scientist which was quite exciting.
Anyway, I guess I don't actually have much to say about that. I'll just go now.
