marchionessofmustache (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marchionessofmustache) wrote2017-12-19 11:57 pm
marchionessofmustache) wrote2017-12-19 11:57 pm
Entry tags:
thing
So I have to do A Thing at like 830AM but like I have no easy way to get there like... I either will have to walk or take the bus ??? And like... it is freezing out and it would take multiple hours to walk there, and like... bus... is very scary and I've never ridden the bus here before so I don't know what it is like and it is VERY SCARY and like... I don't even know if I could find enough coins to ride the bus anyway???
And like it feels so surreal at this point like I don't even feel worried now because I feel like... it's not even going to happen. Because I guess I will probably just give up and not do The Thing but I am kinda worried they might take away my food stamps for not doing it which they already did once for a thing that was not my fault and this time it would be my fault.
But I really don't think they'd take it away that easily for missing A Thing because I missed A Thing before because they scheduled it during my grandpa's viewing and scheduled it for the funeral and I had no idea it even had been scheduled or that I missed it until it was over and like... all I did was call to reschedule and they didn't even like... ask about it like it's just normal to just... not show up to Things?
But this is a different kind of Thing so I really don't know, but it's similar in some ways and I don't want to talk about it because it is a Stress.
Also I went to therapy today and got The Suicide Plan Talk again but this time I got like a little printout of my made up answers for everything as if I actually have support and solutions so I can look over it next time I feel bad like I'm going to actually bother to go get this paper and like ... read all the stupid shit I said that makes me feel ashamed for making it up and then be like 'kay I wanna live now' and uh it's funny because like the other side of the paper has like... the report my therapist writes about me for each session for that day (like he always just ... prints entire things at once even if not's relevant/appropriate because I don't think he really knows how to use printer settings, like one time he wanted to print like these two paragraphs from some autism blog but printed the ENTIRE COMMENTS SECTION and gave me this packet with like 60+ pages in it and was like 'well maybe you will like to read the comments' and like most of the comments are not even related to the actual thing and like some are ads and stuff LOL)
Uh anyway so it has my like report thing and at the top of the second page before it gets to the Suicide Plan thing, it's like... "Reasons for living: patient was unable to answer any" or something like that like looool yes this will be so helpful XDDD
I'm being cynical and it's really not that bad and I didn't make up everything just some things and it's more just like I struggled to find answers and I really do think it's funny/this isn't sarcasm; I did actually learn many helpful things today just this printout is like... so bizarre. It also has like... his opinions on my current status and stuff, and like... I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to see this lol and it just has a list of things like appearance, attitude, motor behavior, eye contact, etc. and so much of it says 'unremarkable' which I am not sure if it means he had no remarks or if it was not particularly good.
But the funniest part is the whole thing is very dry but then under "appearance" it says "appropriate (Sonic the Hedgehog hat)" like... I guess he somehow felt it was important to my health and condition to record that I was wearing a Sonic hat today.
Anyway I am feeling better and don't feel like dying or whatever now. Well, that is a lie -- I don't feel desperate enough to actually try to die. I always feel like dying :D
I finished my R2 no damage run and it's on YT now. I played a bunch of RSG2 and need to write the entries for it. I'm almost done writing the diaries for Save the Homeland (well, the first ending/story at least).
I am so tired but I don't want to sleep because I'm paranoid about bugs??? and like worried about The Thing that I'm like 99.9% likely to not end up doing, which I'm also worried about what will happen if I don't do it. But like TBQH I honestly CANNOT deal right now and this is a Particularly Hard Thing and I still feel like I have not gotten much rest from Various Hard Things since like... the funeral which was in fucking October so like... LOL but yeah I feel like if I had a ride I would be able to muster through it somehow but that's for a variety of reasons I don't feel like going into right now, but I would still do really bad at it like at the interview thing I had to do I like... was curled in a ball half on a chair like hitting my head on the wall because I was freaking out and there were so many VOICES and like... lolol. my favorite is how literally no one even reacted to it?? I mean I was kinda off in a corner by myself and if I ever saw anyone else doing that I would just avoid them at all costs so I guess I can't be too surprised LOL
Also I probably won't get an opportunity to go to the grocery this week (unless again I take a bus which is lol no) so I will have to like... go to market to get food but I don't even want to go to market and like everything is either expensive or questionably safe to eat there sooo idk. I guess I could go to the fancy organic store thing but that is also expensive?? But I could buy like mostly produce which is cheap and very good there. I kinda forgot about that even being an option. I'm pretty sure they take stampies. BUT HEY I MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE THOSE if they decide to punish me for The Thing.
Oh also I contacted a couple disability lawyers over the weekend so now I'm like... awaiting reply which is also a terrifying thing. And like my routine this week is messed up because I'm not going to Dens for the weekend because I'm staying here so I can go to family xmas even thing on xmas eve and like........ both the weird routine AND having to go to family thing is like......... asldgjklasdjglaksdjlkasdjflkasjdflksdjflkasjlfkjaslkfj
JUST STUFF IS TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW but also it's stupid because like I have significantly less responsibility/obligation and fewer stressors than normal people but like I buckle at that tiniest bit of pressure or obligation ever like ... 'you need to write an email' 'I WANT TO DIE' and like... that also makes me feel pathetic and ashamed and like............... lol. just. why.
but yeah actually typing all this out is helpful because it helps me stay focused on something when I get feeling super fucked up until it kind of calms down again so i'm not focusing on like researching overdoses or trying to cut myself or whatever.
also probably because if eel like there's so many things I 'have to do' even though there's really barely anything, I feel like i'm 'not doing enough' ??? and like don't want to sleep because if eel like I need to DO THINGS but there's like literally nothing at all to do and I already did chores and stuff and like.. i'm way too tired to concentrate on anything mindful and like... too exhausted to like... put away the dishes which is the only thing left to do anyway but idrc
also I feel like I need to eat 'while I still can' which makes no sense and honestly nothing I think right now makes sense so idk why i'm even trying to act like it should be rational anyway LOL
oh also recently I have sudden cravings for snuff porn even though it makes me very uncomfortable but it's like the only thing that arouses me recently and i'll like randomly go like weeks without thinking about a single sexual thing and then suddenly like "I NEED TO EJACULATE TO MURDER IDEATION 7 TIMES TODAY" and like... I just reaalllllllllyyyyyyyyy hate myself lmao why am I like this
also today I found a stinkbug and it was cute; I caught it and put it outside
it was so cute though
I think I will leave this one public because I think I secretly want someone to read these kinds of things and be like 'oh you poor thing I sympathize with you and understand there is nothing really wrong with you but I will not communicate this to you in any way because communication makes you uncomfortable' but in reality if anyone actually bothers to read it they will feel mixed feelings of morbid pity and an unsettling fear of how much a freak I am soooooo lmao HAVE FUN
And like it feels so surreal at this point like I don't even feel worried now because I feel like... it's not even going to happen. Because I guess I will probably just give up and not do The Thing but I am kinda worried they might take away my food stamps for not doing it which they already did once for a thing that was not my fault and this time it would be my fault.
But I really don't think they'd take it away that easily for missing A Thing because I missed A Thing before because they scheduled it during my grandpa's viewing and scheduled it for the funeral and I had no idea it even had been scheduled or that I missed it until it was over and like... all I did was call to reschedule and they didn't even like... ask about it like it's just normal to just... not show up to Things?
But this is a different kind of Thing so I really don't know, but it's similar in some ways and I don't want to talk about it because it is a Stress.
Also I went to therapy today and got The Suicide Plan Talk again but this time I got like a little printout of my made up answers for everything as if I actually have support and solutions so I can look over it next time I feel bad like I'm going to actually bother to go get this paper and like ... read all the stupid shit I said that makes me feel ashamed for making it up and then be like 'kay I wanna live now' and uh it's funny because like the other side of the paper has like... the report my therapist writes about me for each session for that day (like he always just ... prints entire things at once even if not's relevant/appropriate because I don't think he really knows how to use printer settings, like one time he wanted to print like these two paragraphs from some autism blog but printed the ENTIRE COMMENTS SECTION and gave me this packet with like 60+ pages in it and was like 'well maybe you will like to read the comments' and like most of the comments are not even related to the actual thing and like some are ads and stuff LOL)
Uh anyway so it has my like report thing and at the top of the second page before it gets to the Suicide Plan thing, it's like... "Reasons for living: patient was unable to answer any" or something like that like looool yes this will be so helpful XDDD
I'm being cynical and it's really not that bad and I didn't make up everything just some things and it's more just like I struggled to find answers and I really do think it's funny/this isn't sarcasm; I did actually learn many helpful things today just this printout is like... so bizarre. It also has like... his opinions on my current status and stuff, and like... I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to see this lol and it just has a list of things like appearance, attitude, motor behavior, eye contact, etc. and so much of it says 'unremarkable' which I am not sure if it means he had no remarks or if it was not particularly good.
But the funniest part is the whole thing is very dry but then under "appearance" it says "appropriate (Sonic the Hedgehog hat)" like... I guess he somehow felt it was important to my health and condition to record that I was wearing a Sonic hat today.
Anyway I am feeling better and don't feel like dying or whatever now. Well, that is a lie -- I don't feel desperate enough to actually try to die. I always feel like dying :D
I finished my R2 no damage run and it's on YT now. I played a bunch of RSG2 and need to write the entries for it. I'm almost done writing the diaries for Save the Homeland (well, the first ending/story at least).
I am so tired but I don't want to sleep because I'm paranoid about bugs??? and like worried about The Thing that I'm like 99.9% likely to not end up doing, which I'm also worried about what will happen if I don't do it. But like TBQH I honestly CANNOT deal right now and this is a Particularly Hard Thing and I still feel like I have not gotten much rest from Various Hard Things since like... the funeral which was in fucking October so like... LOL but yeah I feel like if I had a ride I would be able to muster through it somehow but that's for a variety of reasons I don't feel like going into right now, but I would still do really bad at it like at the interview thing I had to do I like... was curled in a ball half on a chair like hitting my head on the wall because I was freaking out and there were so many VOICES and like... lolol. my favorite is how literally no one even reacted to it?? I mean I was kinda off in a corner by myself and if I ever saw anyone else doing that I would just avoid them at all costs so I guess I can't be too surprised LOL
Also I probably won't get an opportunity to go to the grocery this week (unless again I take a bus which is lol no) so I will have to like... go to market to get food but I don't even want to go to market and like everything is either expensive or questionably safe to eat there sooo idk. I guess I could go to the fancy organic store thing but that is also expensive?? But I could buy like mostly produce which is cheap and very good there. I kinda forgot about that even being an option. I'm pretty sure they take stampies. BUT HEY I MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE THOSE if they decide to punish me for The Thing.
Oh also I contacted a couple disability lawyers over the weekend so now I'm like... awaiting reply which is also a terrifying thing. And like my routine this week is messed up because I'm not going to Dens for the weekend because I'm staying here so I can go to family xmas even thing on xmas eve and like........ both the weird routine AND having to go to family thing is like......... asldgjklasdjglaksdjlkasdjflkasjdflksdjflkasjlfkjaslkfj
JUST STUFF IS TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW but also it's stupid because like I have significantly less responsibility/obligation and fewer stressors than normal people but like I buckle at that tiniest bit of pressure or obligation ever like ... 'you need to write an email' 'I WANT TO DIE' and like... that also makes me feel pathetic and ashamed and like............... lol. just. why.
but yeah actually typing all this out is helpful because it helps me stay focused on something when I get feeling super fucked up until it kind of calms down again so i'm not focusing on like researching overdoses or trying to cut myself or whatever.
also probably because if eel like there's so many things I 'have to do' even though there's really barely anything, I feel like i'm 'not doing enough' ??? and like don't want to sleep because if eel like I need to DO THINGS but there's like literally nothing at all to do and I already did chores and stuff and like.. i'm way too tired to concentrate on anything mindful and like... too exhausted to like... put away the dishes which is the only thing left to do anyway but idrc
also I feel like I need to eat 'while I still can' which makes no sense and honestly nothing I think right now makes sense so idk why i'm even trying to act like it should be rational anyway LOL
oh also recently I have sudden cravings for snuff porn even though it makes me very uncomfortable but it's like the only thing that arouses me recently and i'll like randomly go like weeks without thinking about a single sexual thing and then suddenly like "I NEED TO EJACULATE TO MURDER IDEATION 7 TIMES TODAY" and like... I just reaalllllllllyyyyyyyyy hate myself lmao why am I like this
also today I found a stinkbug and it was cute; I caught it and put it outside
it was so cute though
I think I will leave this one public because I think I secretly want someone to read these kinds of things and be like 'oh you poor thing I sympathize with you and understand there is nothing really wrong with you but I will not communicate this to you in any way because communication makes you uncomfortable' but in reality if anyone actually bothers to read it they will feel mixed feelings of morbid pity and an unsettling fear of how much a freak I am soooooo lmao HAVE FUN