WARMTH LIKE HOME UNAWARES

Here's an update yay.

I've been normal I guess, I'm being screened for bipolar lol. Maybe I just have every disorder that exists...

Well, it's really just like further specifying my troubles I guess?

Anyway, the website is coming along pretty well -- all the programming is 100% complete, including the blog and updates page, which means programming-wise it's launch-ready. Well, I'll probably test it a bit more but outside of a little bug testing it's launch-ready.

The only content I have left to edit is Laura's scenario so far, the Innocent Life diary, and the two entries in the TokiMemo3 diary. I also need to write introduction pages for all those things, and SCARLET GRACE as well. UNLIMITED:Saga and Romancing SaGa 3 already have theirs done.

The most difficult (as in, cumbersome, none of it is difficult, just ... consuming lol) thing will be finding all the images for Innocent Life since the links are almost all dead now, and they're buried in facebook somewhere. They're in albums that are separated by play session (which means probably also mostly separated by diary chapter) so at least it won't be like... trying to find them in a nonlinear fashion or something...

The second most annoying thing will be writing the SCARLET GRACE intro page, because I'm having the intro pages give the basic story background (like, what you would find in a manual or on the game's website or whatever. UN:Saga's I got from the manual and RomaSaGa3's is a translation of the intro story sequence thing in the game).

But I'm going to use the guidebook's little story section with the cool art to write this intro, which means translation fun!!! X_X Well, since I already played the game to completion once, hopefully I'll be familiar with all the vocabulary in it... but I'm sure I'll have forgotten tons of Chinese characters, which means looking them up in a kanji dictionary and I explained before how tedious and obnoxious that is in another post, and that's even using the most convenient electronic dictionary I can find lol.

In other news I've been really into a few games that are eating away way more time than they should.

First is Tree of Savior which is a free MMO I'm playing w/ X. It's probably the most fun and well-made f2p MMO I've ever seen? It's a really cool game and I really like it. I'm playing a healer and she's a destructive mage type and we go really well together. We just started doing instanced dungeons and they are a lot of fun. The story is a bit easy though, so it can be kind of tedious, especially if you want to do all the optional objectives like fill your monster diary thing by killing like 209580329850239580 of each kind of monster...

Another cool thing about it is that you're encouraged to have multiple characters and trade with yourself, and there are rewards in the game for doing things like collecting certain sets of items or completely uncovering maps of areas... but what's great is that these tasks are assigned to your entire team (account) and so you can do parts of them with each character or whatever if you want. And once you've finished one, all characters in your team can get the reward, even if you create a new character. And the rewards are EXP boosts and stuff, so once you've gotten very far in the game with one character, having completed lots of maps and collections, you can easily level up a brand new character and blaze through the early story stuff to get to the more interesting later-game stuff right away.

The game has a really cool class system where you choose one of 4 base classes and then every 15 class levels you 'rank up' and choose a new class in your base class's school. You get eight ranks up in all, and you get to keep all the abilities and bonuses you learn from each class, so which classes you pick will drastically change your character's build. And all the base classes have a lot of variety in the advanced classes (each one has 20 in all) so you can end up with a DPS cleric or a tank archer or something if you wanted to. There are also some hidden/secret classes but I don't know much about it...

The game encourages party play but works well for solo play if you want to play solo. This is not just in the large variety of skills and builds, but also in the way skills are designed. For example, the Cleric's healing spells work by placing magical symbols on the ground. If an ally steps on it, it heals them, and if an enemy steps on it, it hurts them. And you can power it up to place multiple seals at once... but it's cool because you can put the seal away from the enemy for your friends to walk on or place it right under the enemy to deal damage. And then you can augment it by going to a 'master' and spending ability points to give it additional abilities like increased damage, or to lose its damage altogether (so it only works as a support/healing spell).

The story seems pretty elaborate and cute, though nothing really super engaging. I still like reading all the text because the lore is neat enough, though.

The other games are SuperStar SMTOWN which is weird kpop game and IDK how I got into this but now I'm obsessively playing it...

And then Star Trek: Timelines which I just started which is a f2p phone game where you do little missions and collect crew members and level them up, your typical "buy stuff from the item shop or take forever" mobile game, but it's pretty cool for a free game and I'm really enjoying it so far.

There are two types of missions, ship battles and away team things. The ship battles are really stupid and boring and just 100% based on your setup and you just sit and watch it. You tap little buttons but there's like no real strategy to it out of like... the most basic strategy even a baby could do it...

The away missions are really fun, though. You have an mission you have to work toward and there's a little story, and there are lots of different paths to get that objective completed. For each 'step' in the mission, you can choose different ways of accomplishing it. For example if you need to get past some security people, maybe you will have options to drug their food, sneak in another way, or fight them head-on. That's kind of a cliché example but there's really a lot of different things. You choose one of your crew to do the task, and each crew member has levels in different fields like science, engineering, diplomacy, medicine, command... (actually that's all of them except "security" which is essentially just fighting LOL) as well as special traits like 'Pilot,' 'Jury Rigger,' 'Public Figure,' whatever. Certain objectives will match up with certain traits and the crew member will get a boost.

Basically there's just a target number you have to reach to clear the objective, and you compare that with your crew member's base stat + any bonuses they got from traits + a random number that they roll based on their roll range (which you can also increase). Whether you clear or fail the objectives in the mission you continue moving forward, but the mistakes you make earlier in the mission will cause trouble in the final outcome, making it harder to pass.

Each objective has flavor text for success and fail and maybe critical success... I haven't paid enough attention to notice (since usually I either always get critical success or never get it, and I don't remember what it said last time anyway if I replay a mission). But yeah, it describes what happens based on your actions and how you move forward toward the main goal of the mission.

There's also various stories where you'll see lots of characters from the series which is fun, and the overall story arcs span many missions and you can change how the story goes in those through your choices, even to the point of the conclusion being different, and whatever happens at the end of an arc shifts the balance of power in the universe forever (lol). Basically your choices let you pick who 'wins' in a conflict or whatever, so you're usually choosing to support different factions or whatever. I ended up supporting the Klingons and Cardassians in the first two stories because they're hot LOLLL and because you get to recruit a member from that faction at the end, and the first story you got Worf, and the second one you got Dukat so I kinda had to pick those XD

You also influence your diplomacy level with the various factions as you do this and they can like or dislike you, which means when you try to buy items from them you might be locked out of some if they don't like you enough. You can also do shuttle missions which are just idle/waiting missions where you send someone to help out a faction and they're gone for like... 3 hour or something and then they come back and you get rewards XD

There's also various events in the game, like this PvP-ish shuttle combat thing which is stupid, some PvP crew member fighting thing that's going on right now (but I think it's ending today?), and these daily missions where you can only use low-ranking characters on the challenges...

Like most of these games, you mainly recruit crew members through a random pull, and what's annoying about this game is that the random pull will give items or characters so you can just end up getting tons of items... You also recruit crew members through the story and stuff, too. And you certainly won't find yourself lacking in crew members; I have already dismissed many because I had a bunch I didn't even want.

You can get like every character ever except for Dr Pulaski (I FEEL LIKE THIS IS LIKE HOW THERE'S NO TIBERIUS IN IMPERIAL SAGA) and many characters have multiple variations you can get... like there are like 10 different Picards or something. It's not just the main crew, like... pretty much any major subcharacter is recruitable. A good example, there are three variations of Lt Barclay. THREE. That's a lot!!! (But no Pulaski LOL and only 3 Archers...) and pretty much if there's a character that was in more than one episode or was just in one but it was a popular/memorable episode you can probably get them.

The event starting tomorrow you can get Robin Hood Picard and Nottingham Q :) Which means mustache Picard :)))))

It's really fun and you can also have friends and fleets (guilds) in the game, and there's even in-game chat. I ignore the global chat but you have a fleet chat, and maybe friend chat too (I have no friends so idk). I joined an LGBT fleet and people actually talk in it and it's scary. I want to make my own but I have no one to join :,) I'm trying to force my brother to play it XDDD Even though he doesn't like Trek (well, he pretends like he doesn't... he's only ever seen Enterprise and he liked it and watched the whole first season with me sooo uh LOL)

But yeah within your fleet you can also have squadrons, which are teams of five players, and certain events are squadron events where you work together... I don't know what it will be like because I've only been playing for like a day, but a squadron event (the mustache Picard event LOL) starts tomorrow... I joined a squadron in my fleet but I feel bad because they're all like Lv50+ and I'm like... level 12 LOLLL. Plus I'd rather play with friends and I kinda hate playing with strangers... but I want to see what the game has to offer. The event structure seems like it might be similar to Shpherd's Crossing Online which is great because that game had great events. And there's lots of Picard stuff to get from this event :D

Most of my pulls have been kinda boring. In the beginning my most powerful characters were like... Wesley Crusher and Alexander (Worf's kid LOL). But I've really powered up some others now and my best characters include Sisko (command, security), Archer (command, security), Spock (science), Data (engineering), Hoshi Sato (diplomacy), Dr Crusher (medicine), and Seven of Nine (science and engineering).

There are three old mustache Scottys available in the game so I really want those 8))))

I also recently got T'Pol and Trip so I have more than enough to make an entire away team of Enterprise crew :D With Archer commanding *___* Though they're like both really weak but I feel like eventually T'Pol could be better than Seven.

The art in the game is pretty cool, it's like comic bookish style illustrations.

Also at the beginning you get to choose one captain to be like your starter Pokémon... but uh... you can only choose Kirk, Picard, or Sisko!! I chose Sisko bc the art of him was very handsome XD I love his little voice clips, too.

Some characters have voice clips and it's like... weird who they chose to give voice clips to... Wesley has voice clips but Dr Crusher and Riker don't...???

Anyway talking too much. I actually came on here to get the Innocent Life diaries XD

Thanks to everyone who expressed condolences/sympathies/etc about the thing with my grandfather. My mental health kinda plummeted recently with the stress of that and some other things so I didn't really respond to anyone, but I did read everything here and even on Miitomo and stuff. So thanks a lot for your thoughts.

He seems to be doing okay, as in hanging on for now, but... there's still a lot of worry and tension surrounding it. And then my mom told me yesterday that my grandmother isn't doing well and we should take a trip out to see her very soon...

I'm trying to not focus on it too much.

At therapy on Tuesday (I had to go on Tuesday instead of Thursday alskdjfklasdjf) I didn't even have to bring up social security and disability because my therapist suggested it himself lol. I guess that's a bit more validating but... at the same time it's kind of frustrating lol. Not that he brought it up but that I'm like ... so obviously a mental case XD

I started working on the website again. I've been kind of ignoring it (and everything) recently, but I'm making a lot of progress. If I keep going at this pace I could launch very soon, as in within a week. But I'll probably slow the pace down over the weekend and focus more (or entirely) on drawing coloring pages then.

I ordered a set of dumbbells (omfg it's spelled with two b's?!) online recently with my Bing points. The shipping would have been a ton (like $20 or something) but I could get free shipping with $10 more of items, and I'd be able to cover the entire purchase with Bing points so I wouldn't have to spend any money, so I went and found a new coloring book for Dens and I got a Forster novel that I don't have yay. It's his sci-fi dystopian thing that I forget even existed until now.

Um I just remembered Happy Bookers. Oops. I totally forgot about the dog book O_o uhhhhh

Yeah idk.

Anyway, I'm doing this thing now where I like... have a chart to track my ability to focus and complete daily tasks as well as put stuff like exercise and sleep and medications in there... to see if my mood cycles (rather than like, triggers, I guess?)

And in therapy we might start focusing on like... learning life/work skills lmaoooo. Maybe next we will do times tables and read a picture book.

The main things I need to do for the site now are just to write the index/intro pages for each play diary, make a 'new' play diary page (like, a page that shows recent updates and stuff), and uh... maybe make an overall home page, I guess. But I'm thinking of making the new and home page the same thing, since... what else would even go on the home page anyway? There's a nav menu at the top of the pages now where you can select all the diaries and see which ones I have planned (I pretty much just typed in every title in the Elite Four series, though with Harvey I only put things from DS Cute and back, and left out some alternate versions).

Anyway, I should stop blathering and do some exercise and get back to work.

Also for breakfast today I ate Reese's Eggs lmfao.

Today is tharpy dayyyyyyyyyyyy

I've had not so great a week I feel??? But I did ok today. I kind of want to bring up the topic of disability but I also feel ashamed about it so who knows what will happen lmao.

But um... Imperial SaGa got a new update today~~ The old event ended and we got our prizes. I kinda didn't try too hard so I was only in the top 50th percentile, but I still got character tickets. There was also a character ticket for logging in on the day of the first showing of Romancing SaGa The Stage (which was 4/20) and then a character ticket for logging in on the anniversary of the release of Minstrel Song (4/21) and since the day switches over at 11AM here, I got both today haha.

But uh, the one from RSG The Stage gave me...



Undine!!! I was expecting a bunch of reds and maybe a purple so to get not only a gold, but someone who fits pretty well on my team is really cool????

Also, there's a promo day for Nina coming up, where 50% of all golds will be her, and if you get her, she's Rainbow instead of gold. It's still only like a 0.4% chance of actually getting her but... it's in the Series Gacha, so if I don't get her, I'll still get SaGaFro2 characters which is cool? So I'm thinking about trying.

Not that I have any particular love for Nina or something. I mean, I like her but I haven't played enough SGF2 to really know her so she's just a cool idea? BUT not only do I like her design, but she has really cool abilities that would be perfect for my team lmao (it boosts the magic power of anyone with wind, water, or earth arts and most of my party are characters with two or three schools of magic arts already and they all fall into that category XD).

Plus, she's the last promo, so I'll be able to see the news about whatever updates are coming next to see if I want to actually spend my Kr or not. Though since they just now added SaGa 1 stuff, I'm guessing they will go through SaGa 2 and SaGa 3 before ever getting to UNSaga...

BUT!!!

If they add SaGa 2 stuff soon, that means there is a chance we could get Dad or Mask???? So I'd like to have them??? But, uh, it would probably be better to wait until they've been around a while and wait for a promo gacha that focuses on him (which there surely will be). And the only thing they've added from SG1 so far are Human Man and Human Woman (yeah lmao they're just added generic characters now but STILL NO TIBERIUS).

But anyway, along with this event, they've added new characters. What's cool is anymore they don't only add promo characters, but just add some new gold characters to the regular roster, and give an increased chance of getting them in the regular gacha during the event, and they using them in your party will boost the event items you get from quests.

The two new golds are Mikhail and Holy Emperor, and in my Play Diary, I talked about how I was unsure of how to translate Holy Emperor because the common fan translation is "Holy King," but uh in Imperial SaGa she's definitely a woman, so I'm glad I ended up choosing "Emperor" in the end. Even though I realize "Empress" is a word, like... "Emperor" just sounds a lot less gendered than "King."

Um but the new Holy Emperor art has stupid boob window lol... The one thing I hate most about Imperial SaGa is that they sexualized all the women and girls in the new art. One thing I've always liked about SaGa is that it doesn't really have oversexualized female characters, but Imperial SaGa like... destroys that lol.

Like, uh, for example, Monica is a great character, for instance, who has a really interesting story and grows so much and despite being a princess is really badass and independent like...??? She's so great on her own and could have so much really cool art but instead we get like... Monica laying seductively on a bed with her tits about to burst out of her clothes like...

???????????????

Not only is this completely unrelated to anything she does ever in the game, and not only is it missing out on an opportunity to capture so many great aspects of her character, but it's like... actually out-of-character for her...?

And like... it's not like I don't like sexy art or whatever because I very much do and I even do really like the Monica art I'm complaining about because she looks very pretty in it but... leave that to the pervy fan artists? If you're going to make official art of your characters for a game please make them... somewhat... relevant... to... the game...???????

Like IDK there's just so much to love about Monica and we have this opportunity to get super cool new Monica art, new art of a great and interesting character that does a lot of things and has a really interesting story and has so many situations that would be awesome to see illustrated...

And she's reduced to "look at titty."

It makes me mad!!

Anyway, the promo character for the event right now is Ward! Which means new Ward art!!



Beautiful...

And see, characters can be hot as hell without being sexualized. If they're already sexy they don't need like... awkward sex poses and beds they will just be sexy anyway???????????

He and Mikahil (and probably Holy Emperor) are part of the story (it's about fighting Byunei) for the event but I just skip the story so IDK what it's really about lmaooooo. There's like a gallery mode where you can watch all past event stories and stuff so I figure if I ever care about the story of this game I'll go watch that. I still don't even really know the main plot of the main story because I just skip through literally everything LOL.

Oh and his Commander Skill is that he boosts the attack power of anyone with light magic arts, which in my current party is just Leon, but Leon also uses foil so his attacks are ridiculously strong right now (like just his regular Final Letter is doing more damage than Boston's super critical thing LOL). Though if I used Screwdriver I'd get Ultra Critical every time too (since it's effective against women) but I think the power of his Screwdriver is so low that just using Final Letter would be better? (Uh, also, his Final Letter is really beefed up).

Also when characters level up they say like little quote things, like each character just has one they always say. Leon says like "Follow Me" (but in a way that sounds much cooler than that??) And uh... Ward's was "You wanna take a job?" and I was like wtf why did they choose that?? And then I realized that's pretty much HIS ONLY LINE OF DIALOGUE IN THE ENTIRE GAME LMFAO

IDK why I get attached to SaGa characters when they are hardly more than visual character concepts LOL

But yeah the boss of the event quests is Byunei, and she's weak to piercing damage, so Boston's special art that he came with always Super Criticals on her because it's piercing damage (despite being a punch) plus is effective against Abyss creatures and characters (which means it always gets a critical, and using weakness + critical hit = Super Critical XD)

You can actually Ultra Critical which is dual weakness + critical hit, but you have to hit with elemental and physical weakness and get a crit at the same time so I've never seen it lmao.

IDK what to do for the next 20 minutes lol. I'm feeling anxious. I guess I'll do KA a bit and then pack up my stuff so it's ready for going to Dens or something. I'm going early again this week. I hope all the patterns get back to normal soon~~

Soooo last night I was going to the bathroom to get ready for bed and my dad??? came home?????????? and had someone with him????? Maybe even 2 people idk. But yeah like... they were loud and like... started watching TV... so I would have to cross in front of them to get back to my room. And I hadn't done anything in the bathroom yet and I was afraid to because there were people there lol. So I like... spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet, sitting on the floor, sitting in the bathtub... (I was thinking maybe I could trick everyone into thinking that I wasn't in there and had just accidentally left the light on and door closed, and if anyone came in just hold my breath in the tub behind the curtains and UH YEAH I QUICKLY REALIZED HOW STUPID OF AN IDEA THAT WAS LOL)

Anyway, I eventually (about like an hour of being in there lol) flushed the toilet and washed my hands even though I hadn't done anything but sit around and then went out and like dashed across the room and my dad asked if I was okay and I said maybe and they (?) like kind of chuckled???? IDEK who was there or whatever because I didn't look lol. But there was definitely someone because I could hear the VOICESSSSS

So uh the main reason I left the bathroom was because I remembered I had a like big bottle (like it had Gold Peak tea in it, maybe around 2 liters? 1.5 liters?) that I keep water in to give to the roachies, but I stopped using it because their spray bottle has ample water, so I just kinda had that empty Gold Peak bottle sitting around. And I was like... oh I can pee in that and then throw it out later LOL. Because I could like... put on headphones and put my headset on and sit by the fan bc I wouldn't be able to hear them.

Because I can't pee if I can hear like... literally any noises at all? Like constant noises like fan or a/c or whatever is fine but like... hearing like... things that come and go like footstep or w/e, I can't. It's not really a social anxiety thing because stuff like thunder or birds on the roof or whatever do it too LOL it's because I have to concentrate??? and all noises distract and scare me so :))))))))))

ANYWAY I got back to my room and had a mini panic attack and then remembered that I had thrown that bottle away lolllll. So I still had to go to the bathroom but I certainly couldn't go back out now.

And it was still kinda noisy like... they were being quiet but similar to peeing I can't sleep if I can hear anything at all because like anyk ind of sounds trigger my anxiety and knowing people are awake when I'm trying to sleep does too (because I'm afraid they WILL make sounds, even if they're not now lol)

So uh I took some hydroxyzine (fortunately I had water in my room from earlier and hadn't drunk it all yet) which did not help at all and then laid on the floor with my head under my desk and put my fan on the floor so it would drown out noise and like... tried to sleep but I couldn't at all because there were people and I had to pee lmfao.

So uhhh after some period of time that felt both long and short, they went into his bedroom and went to sleep, and I sat with my back to the door making sure everything was quiet before leaving my room, and eventually got to go to the bathroom and they were sleeping I guess because it was quiet so I was able to go to sleep after that. Then I only slept like 6 hours but that's like... enough sleep but I usually sleep like 7-8 hours so idk. But I think I just woke up because the sun came out and I like to have my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. And anymore I feel like I don't sleep through the sun (which is good, that's what I wanted XD)

Anyway, so this morning I figured since I didn't sleep much and they'll probably laze around in there for a while, I could brave going out again, since it was quiet, so I managed to go to the bathroom without making much noise with doors or whatever but of course the toilet and sink make noise whether you want them to or not. And then I could hear mumbling from my dad's room since the bathroom is adjacent...

SO LOL CUE ANXIETY AGAIN FUN TIMESSSSS

But uhhh I forced myself to make breakfast since I really doubted they'd just suddenly spring up and exit the room after a little groggy mumbling. I was only making a peanut butter sandwich so it should not take long. And it didn't and I got back to my room yay. Even though I don't like to eat in here anymore but... I'm not risking sitting out at the dining table lmfao.

But uh I need to exercise and shower and stuff but I definitely can't do that if a human being might exist in close proximity to me so I guess I will just suffer lmfao. I already didn't exercise on Thursday for Reasons, and then Friday I normally don't exercise anyway so uhhh this would be three days of no esize?

I guess I could like... just do it and then sit in here a sweaty mess in front of the fan until I knew everything was clear so I could go take a shower.

Oh, but I need to go get water... I guess I'll do that now while it's still quiet????? I really don't want to leave but the anxiety is not too bad right now, like once I know they're really awake for the day it will be horrible, so I'm kind of anticipating that and that makes me anxious but I did eat and take my pill cocktail so I'm feeling okay right now... just a little nervous in anticipation. But also typing stuff like this calms me down too lololol.

So uh yeah I think I will go try to get water now. The water cooler isn't noisy since the cooling mechanism broke and I won't have to use the faucet so I should be able to do it pretty silently. But idk why I keep sitting here and typing because pretty much every moment is a countdown til they get up sooo LOL.

OK I GOT WATER YAYYYYY. I'm pretty sure they didn't wake up or anything yet, just maybe a little when I went to bathroom but went back to sleep.

Now the sun is at a position in the sky where it's like right in my face and hard to look at computer sooo this is when I would normally start exercising and stuff. So I guess I should do that?

I'm kinda nervous about them like... waking up while I'm exercising...?????????????????????????

Maybe I will just... sit on the floor in the corner and put my face on the wall for several hours :)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Uh recently I've been debating to myself if I should try to apply for disability, but I keep feeling like I don't need it and that I'm cheating and stuff and that they'll call my doctors and they'll be like wtf no!! and then refuse to treat me or something LMFAO and I realize that's stupid but I at least want to talk to the doctor about it first though???? But uh I'd want to talk to both my therapist and my psychologist about it first, and probably talk it over with Dens and all those things are anxiety sooooo lmao I'll probably just do nothing.

Anyway the reason I mentioned this is because I keep thinking "No, I'm just being lazy. I could get a job if I would just go out and do it" but uhhh I can't even go to the bathroom in my own fucking apartment because like... people exist??

And this isn't a like "strangers" thing, like if it was just my dad coming home alone and watching TV it would have been the same and this same kind of thing has happens all the time, like I can't even go to the bathroom with Dennis is folding laundry or something lol.

Uh but the whole like, not wanting to exercise and stuff is a 'strangers' thing I guess? Or maybe an 'unpredictable situation' thing, because I would be fine if it was just my dad and brother like normal, I think because I know what do expect from them? Like I know they would definitely not come into my room suddenly or like... be out in the main areas for very long? Unless it was just my dad sitting in his chair which... only sometimes causes me anxiety and makes me unable to leave my room but since Prozac+therapy I've at least been able to leave my room when my dad is sitting quietly in his chair lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

As I type this it sounds funny lol. Like it doesn't even sound real? Like, I'm thinking about what I am writing and I'm like "hahaha wtf that is weird and dumb??? who actually thinks like that???" BUT UH IT IS REAL?????

BUT UH ANYWAY my point is like... I feel like if I struggle just to like take care of basic needs like bathroom simply because I might hear a noise or a person exists in the general vicinity like... maybe that is enough to consider myself disabled? I mean I do consider myself disabled already but like I mean "fully" disabled by government standards or whatever lmfao. Since you can't get social security for "partial" disability (even if it meant you were only partially able to support and take care of yourself, which makes no sense, but I'm not going to get political right now lmfaooo)

So yeah sun is in my face and I'm like staring at the floor and squinting my eyes and trying to just look up now and then when a cloud goes by to make sure I'm typing everything right... gotta check for those squiggly reds lolol. So uh I really should do something other than sit on the computer, like ... exercise ...

but anxiety :) And I kind of feel like vomiting and have a headache now like... all of a sudden??? But I think it's just my brain doing the like... force-my-body-to-procrastinate thing, which is an entirely other mental problem I have so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy life.

Like IDK I don't really feel bad right now like I feel like this is so ridiculous and silly that it doesn't even seem real and I feel like I'm like... watching someone else type all this out, like it's a movie about me but I'm not me (loll) and I'm like just sitting here thinking about ridiculous and unrealistic this person is and it's like mildly humorous, but not in the way where you really laugh, but where you just keep watching because it at least hits that bare minimum level of entertainment to where you don't end up doing anything else.

And uh now I have to go to the bathroom again but this isn't the procrastination thing, this is just around when I usually have my ~*~DAILY BOWEL MOVEMENT~*~ sooo uhhh lol. But I definitely don't feel up to doing that right now but uh I have a lot of experience with holding bowel movements. I can go days. I'm a pro. Doesn't that like... give you cancer or something? Maybe I'll commit suicide by never taking a shit lmfaooooooooooooooo

I'm not really feeling suicidal right now I just thought that was funny but it's not because all of this is real and I'm really this much of a mess lmfaooooo but I GUESS I AM STILL LAUGHING?

Anyway, THE SUN is attacking my (it's solar jutsu~~~ It's using Starfixer to paralyze me... it should just use Daybreak and end this madness XDD)

Actually I want a shadow servant so I can make them go do everything for me XD Ummm but I guess that can't poo for me so oops.

Well they could go get a bucket and I could poo in that and make them go dispose of it.

Except if I had a Shadow Servant, the Servant would probably have anxiety, too, right? lol whenever I think about that thing where you have a clone and make the clone do all the stuff you don't want to do ... like... the clone would not want to do it either... and would want you to do it LOL like why would the close like just... be in servitude to you... it makes no sense.

OK SUN PLEASE STOP I PROMISE I WILL DO GOO DIN THIS WORLDLDSDGKSLGKJ

I really can't be at the computer anymore or I will go blind, so... I'm either going to cry in a corner or exercise (prolly the latter, actually, because I'm feeling a bit better after typing all this out lmao, and I did successfully get water!!! in a cup!!!! I'm a grown-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

ETA: JK I HEARD A FAINT SOUND SO I AM JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR LOL

Well now I'm sitting like awkwardly against the wall with my usb keboard on my lap loll it's pretty much impossible to see the screen qithout like getting close to it and squienteting so I odont' even know if i'm typing stuff right? Like, I generally make a lot of mistakes while typing, and I'm catchin a lot right now because I can 'feel' them, like I just typed 'fell' and realized I did then knew how many tyimes to press backspace but I also know that i'm like... randomly hitting lots of other keys and stuff, and earlier I typed some word and knew I missed it up bad but didn't know how to correct it so I just left it and you probably can't even tell what word it is because I was basically just like hitting random keys.

Anyway no exercise for me now :) Also it's hot in here because there's no a/ in my room (I odn't heven have a proper room, I just like... sleep in a den LOL and there's no like a/c or heating or anything in here XD er, there's heating nvm. But it's like this weird heated ceiling thing and it's either no heat or it's 200 degrees soooo lmfao.

Actually I had something I was going to say when I started typing this??? But I've alrady forgotten it :\

OH YEAH

I was gonna say like... i'm trying to do the whole like... rationalizing thing like...

OK so like the first thing I have to do is recognize if this fear is a rational/beneficial thing and like... it's not but... sudden sounds or people suddenly talking to me can give me an anxiety attack or panic attack and that's more what I'm afraid of, than the sounds themselves, I think? So I in a way I guess it's a RATIONAL fear, in a sense, but lie.... it's not beneficial????


nvm I'm just going to say NO... so I guess really the best thing to do would to be to... pretend like... I'm okay... so I GUESS I SHOULD EXERCISE??? But I kinda have to calm down from the noise lol. I think it was my brother opening his door lol X_X

I want to hug my Palkia but it's across the room and I don't want to like... move from this spot lol.

Oh I got some graph paper the other day (my dad like... brought it home from a garage sale idk) so I think I will graph trig functions or something lol because graphs make me happee

Sooooo my internet has been out for over 24 hr lololol I die.

I'm at the library now.

Also, I was playing unsaga yesterday since there was no internet, figuring I'd just make a bunch of progress in my playthrough...

Well, apparently if you're not connected online, screenshots just... DON'T SAVE to the OneDrive folder?????????? Like I figured they'd still save there and then like... upload later when you have a connection but instead it just doesn't even take the screenshots at all. So I got like... almost entirely through Laura's story (I got all the EGs lol) and didn't get a single screencap. So, uh, I guess I'll just start Laura's scenario over from the beginning later for the play diary X_X

So without internet I had no idea what to do with myself, other than like... eat. So I ended up playing Scarlet Grace, and it's really fun. So I think I might put unsaga off for a while since I'm frustrated with it and just play sgsg right now? IDK LOL. I came to the library just to do KA and catch up on imsaga and 3gks... I thought there was going to be more imsaga to do but I reached my limit in the current event and can't really beat the next trial, so... I don't have anything to do now XD

My entire week was so messed up lol X_X Well, it's still messed up. It won't be normal again until like... Monday.

lol also now that I've arrived here, it's storming and it's supposed to be thunderstorms until like... tonight. So I'll have to walk home in the storms. Yay this week :)

Also it's like... noisier here than I thought it would be lol. Not as quiet as GPL. I miss GPL lololol. I'mma try moving to another desk, though. Because I'm very close to the information desk so I keep hearing voices and phones nad stuff and it's making me very anxious lmaoooooooo I'm so broken I can't even feel comfo at a library.

So, I'm kinda angry at the world recently and my patterns are all messed up soooo I have like no motivation really lmao. So I don't know if I'll work on the site much this week? Maybe a little. But it's taking forever to get it done now X_X

Anyway, I ended up starting a new game in unsaga even though I was gonna wait until the site was ready buuuutttt oops :) So if I feel up to it I'll write the first entry of Laura's scenario later...

I also have an entry to write for RSG3 that I keep... not doing... for some reason.

Some SaGa announcements:

Romancing SaGa 3 is getting a remaster for PS Vita and mobile, similar to how Romancing SaGa 2 did. With any luck (especially if people buy RSG2!!) we might get a localization of this just like we did with RSG2! Which will mean all SaGa games have at least some form of an official localization (with RSG1 only being in the form of a remake though), except for now Scarlet Grace, too, I guess... XD; Though I'm really hoping they do decide to localize it because it's really great.

Also, Imperial SaGa is getting some new content. Now that the Cube Route was completely finished, I was wondering if they would add content from another game next, and was really hoping it was unsaga... but it seems they're adding SaGa 1 stuff next. :\ Which means they'll probably go through the whole Game Boy trilogy before ever getting to unsaga.

And we still don't have Tiberius lmao.

I also went to the Emperors SaGa site because it's still linked on the imsaga site even though I thought that game was long dead or something, but it seems like it even has some kind of expansion now called Glacies, with new characters and everything. It's probably really old since I've only looked at this site like literally once before and it was over a year ago.

The RSG3 thing was actually announced some time last week. It didn't seem to appear on SaGa's FB page nor on imsaga's home page, and it's not on the SaGa official site (though they like, never update that) sooo idk LOL. But Square-Enix announced it, I guess they just didn't think to inform SaGa fans. Maybe they're waiting to make a little site and stuff for it.

Since they're going to be remastering all the sprites and stuff like they did with RSG2, I'm really hoping that they add mustaches back to the mustache characters on their little battle sprites. The Imperial SaGa sprites do indeed have cute little mustaches, so...

I'm also really hoping they add some of the content that was cut from the original. RSG2 added a new dungeon and stuff, and since RSG3 already had content in the works, it shouldn't be too hard to add it in?

Maybe we'll eventually get remasters of sagafro and unsaga that add all the cut content from those. I could actually see Frontier getting that eventually, or maybe a remake, but unsaga is unlikely lol. Though that would be pretty awesome to finally get that "eighth scenario" and flesh out the other characters and lore some more. Plus any excuse to play more unsaga is good. And if they released it on modern platforms, that would mean unsaga with trophies and achievements which is fantastic.

In non-SaGa news, a tumblr mutual linked me to this thing called Sexy Congress which renewed my interest in the Senate and is even making me like the House now, which is... no bad please don't... like, it's just WAY too much stuff to learn and I hate getting new interests because interests are like all-consuming and I don't want to like... be distracted from SaGa lmaoooo.

But I did find a bunch of new mustache boyfriends, so...

( Read more... )

New York has a lot of lookers XD

Also lol @ my tastes.

And speaking of politicos, I'm kinda mad at Joe right now lol. he's still hot has hell but he's really pissed me off to the point where I might break up with him lmaooo. I'm strongly considering voting against him in the primaries; like, it would not take much for another candidate to seem more appealing right now lmao. And don't get me wrong; I love Joe, and I think he really does want to help Hoosiers, but... he's also ridiculously conservative, and passes off his support for harmful shit as being ~bipartisan~ but it's just him being super conservative hiding under the label of Dems.

Not that I have much regard for either of the US's political parties, and I do think Joe works in my best interest a lot of the time (much more so than someone like Todd Young ever would), I just think a less conservative candidate would be able to do so much better.

Also I still miss Evan Bayh lol. And honestly I liked Dick Lugar, and I even liked Dan Coats. But Todd Young is gross, and Joe is hot and tries but he's nothing compared to Bayh lmao.

NOT THAT I EVEN HAVE MUCH FAITH IN STATISM OR OUR "DEMOCRACY" IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT

I just want to hug all the cute congressppl ok.

THIS ENTRY HAS SO MANY TAGS.

I'm hungry but I still haven't been able to go to the grocery :);;;;;;;;; I don't know if I cried about this here yet, but I decided to try going to the grocery with Dens on Friday, which means I'd have to bring the food home from his place on Monday. Getting the food wasn't so bad, though I was pretty anx about it, but then I ended up forgetting it, probably because I wasn't feeling so great as I was leaving.

But that means I had no food for this week at all :) And then my dad said we could go to the store yesterday, but come like 10PM he still was not home and said it would be "later" and I texted him saying I was going to sleep and to wake me up when he wants to go, unless he'd rather go early tomorrow (as in today). And he just said "OK." And he never woke me up so...

I'm at least glad I was able to sleep but uhhh I need food??? I had enough to eat yesterday but today is another story. And it's 930 AM now and he's still asleep so IDK. I want to exercise today since I skipped yesterday because I was feeling super shitty, but I don't want to start now and halfway through my dad wake up and be like OK LETZ GO X_X But I also don't want to sit and put it off all day and him end up being like NVM NOT GOING like... late in the afternoon or something...

Yesterday he gave me some quinoa though that was leftover from someone else's breakfast (idek) and it was so good :O It makes me want to start buying quinoa but it's too expensive lol.

Hello friends.

Sooo I've been working on website and I have a really fast way of doing it now, and all I really have to do is essentially edit the rest of the entries -- all the images and everything are already ready to go, cropped, resized, converted to jpg... it's pretty much just c/p the diary entries and add tags while looking over it. I'm already into Armic's scenario so I'm almost done with unsaga (by 'done' I mean caught up) and then it will just be romasaga3 and sagasca which shouldn't be terribly long.

I think I started giving myself deadlines and stuff like 'I need to finish all this by the weekend' or whatever and the pressure made me kinda fall into depression again. It does not help that Thursday I decided for who knows what reason to look for a job, which is a super overwhelming and stressful thing to me, and by the end of the day I was poking at myself with a box knife saying if I just practice making little cuts I can work up slashing my whole wrist!!! But uh no it's way too scary I can't even like poke myself without freaking out lol.

The weekend was fine and I even did a Scary Thing and was ok (I went to craft store with Dens and it was crowded lol) and then today I have like absolutely no motivation at all and I think it's because I'm putting too much pressure on myself or sth, plus after Thursday I was putting pressure on myself not to be depressed again which... I guess was counterproductive lol. Thanks to Nans for pointing it out though lol. I was def weird on Friday because Dens kept asking me if I was okay, like "ARE YOU SURE YOURE OK" and stuff like... so many times lol. But I think I was just being like, super quiet and having trouble concentrating.

Anyway, after talking it over with Nans I feel a bit more optimistic and I'm going to not pressure myself and just go at my own pace with the website like I was, and talk to my therapist about jobs this week. When I went to my psychologist on Monday last week, he has to like... go over this list of stressors or something, so every time he asks me like... if there have been changes in my living situation, if I'm still happy with Dens, etc. and it ends with "Are you still unemployed?" and "Are you looking for a job?" And it makes me feel so worthless and embarrassed X_X I realize the reason he is asking is because those things are big stressors to people and like he has to monitor that but like... idk I just hate having it like... rubbed in my face? lol. Even though that's not what he's trying to do. I did get a grape lolli though.

I think sicne I've done nothing at all today and it's already 19:00 (and I got up around 9, so like... 10 hours of doing nothing at all) I might just play unsaga, because it's fun and it will kinad feel like progress since it goes toward content for the website. I think if I can resume the pace I was at before, I can actually catch up with all the play diaries by the end of the week, and maybe even start working on the programming tut.

Once I get the first lesson of the programming tut done, I think I'm going to actually pay for hosting and get the website online, and then try to add new content every week. I can easily do the editing and stuff when I'm around Dens, as well as playing games, so I'll probably do a lot of the initial writing while I'm at the apartment during the week, and publish new stuff over the weekend. I'll probably continue to post everything here first, but it will be like a 'rough draft,' and then the edited version will get posted to the website.

I might wait a bit to actually get the website up because -- well, not WAIT but rather it might take a bit longer because I think I'm going to program a thing that finds the most recent entries and everything for a front page, and maybe even program a blog. That probably sounds time-consuming but it actually would be pretty easy. I might create a like submission widget for myself so I can easily add new content without having to go and edit tables with SQL manually every time, but ... it really wouldn't be THAT convenient and I kinda like editing tables anyway. So I might just implement something like that if I really feel like I need it in the future.

Anyway, I've also been thinking about what I'm going to do next in unsaga and in the play diaries in general. I think once I get the website up, I'll finish up Armic and Mikhail scenarios, and then I'll start playing one tokimemo and one SaGa at a time. Three SaGas at a time was a bit... much hahaha. And I'll probably continue on with unsaga unless I get a huge hankering to play something else. Which recently I've really been wanting to play minsaga because I want to see Baldyhad again. And I've also really been wanting to get back into Scarlet Grace because it was really fun the first time and I'm excited to play another game.

But I also super love unsaga and am excited about playing through all seven scenarios and having a finished diary XD

In my next Scarlet Grace game, I'm going to be playing Urpina (that's what the comet gave me XD) and I'm going to try to focus on raising a team of 10 characters -- five guys and five gals. This way I can get the 'use a team of all men/women' bonuses more easily, plus I like having some substitute characters anyway. I think I have a better idea of how to really power up the party this time around so I won't fall behind like I did with Leo's party.

For unsaga, I think I'm going to do a 'no shopping' run with Laura. I considered trying to do the 'true' Weapon Collector's Challenge (no shopping, no repair, no martial panels) but I'm worried it will end up being too hard and turn into a chore to play. So I might just like, do that on my own, but not part of the play diaries.

And then with Judy I think I'm going to do a 'no weapons' run, where you just... can't equip anything in the two weapon slots. Basically the focus will be more on martial arts and magic arts.

I'm actually considering like... maybe some time in the future adding more challenge runs to the play diaries, like... even after clearing all 7 characters, like... just add some more 'bonus' diaries, like if I want to do additional challenge runs. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I just... don't want to play unsaga anymore?

I was also thinking of what I could do play diaries of besides SaGa and TokiMemo. The other three series in my main five are Harvest Moon, Mega Man, and Ys.

Harvest Moon... I think I could figure out a way to do a play diary of that, I think. I think more just making a diary of entire play sessions, rather than trying to like... make a day-by-day diary would be better. I might actually make the day-by-day diary just like... little notes of what I did each day, but as like... extra content?? I was even thinking of like... hand-writing it with little doodles to make it cute.

Mega Man is lol. It's not really... that kind of game. But before ever starting the play diary thing, I was planning on trying to do (segmented) no-damage runs of all the Mega Man games. So I could make a play diary about that specifically? That seems kinda fun. Because just clearing one stage takes a long time for that. And I could fill the entries with all kinds of Mega Man infodumping and roboperving XD

Ys... IDK. I guess when I think about it, they wouldn't make for bad play diaries, but at the same time, the game is 90% about the action. It's like Mega Man with more story lmao. So IDK what I'd do with those. Of my top 5 Ys is like... probably my least favorite hahaha. I mean it's still top 5 though.

I also kind of want to start doing more videos again... I'm considering when I do the Harvest Moon play diaries to like... also make videos of them as I do them? It will also help me like... remember what I did in the game to make the diaries lolol. Oh, that would be like... super cute if I like... recorded each day as its own thing and then like... recorded myself drawing the little diary part XD Actually that's a super cute idea... I hope I can remember it.

I was also considering doing play diaries of like... games similar to the top 5 in some way, like Bionic Commando which is a lot like Mega Man, and The Last Remnant which is a lot like SaGa, stuff like that. Shepherd's Crossing. And just anything I really feel like I'd like to make a play diary about. But I want to focus on the top 5, and especially SaGa and Tokimemo XD

And then I also thought of doing a like play diary series where I like... do something like... play every single NES game ever LOL. And like write about my experience with each. And I'd try to play them all to completion XD That would be fun.

Anyway, these are just like... ideas lmao. For now I'm just going to work on getting the site up, finishing unsaga, starting tokimemo, and getting back to the programming tuts.

Well, writing this made me feel a bit more motivated. I'mma go play a bit of Armic's scenario now though. Prol won't be enough to write an entry because I'm just going to be doing random already-written-about subadventures.

Oh I just remembered I need to like... do the Innocent Life diary too. LOLOL. Well, I might not include that in the launch of the website hahaha.

So, I've been working on the website. I have the unsaga diary page pretty much done, now I just have the process of converting all of the entries to html pages. I know I could probably do this with a script, but I'm also going back through and editing them as I go. I want to make sure that I use the correct terms for stuff (like say Growth Panel instead of 'panel thing' and stuff XD) and capitalize stuff and fix some grammar and typos... I'm also changing misinformation and stuff as I go.



Here's what it looks like right now. The next/back buttons in the bottom corners are fixed, so they'll stay there as you scroll the page. I actually have a few different designs (uh, they're all just like this but slightly different margins/borders) so feel free to go to fb and give me advice? XD

In the end, I will have a 'main menu' bar at the top with links to the other play diaries and my home page, too. It will be very simple.

I thought it would be tedious to go through and edit all these old entries, but I'm actually having a lot of fun reliving the old adventures with Ruby right now. Plus I'm using vim to edit, and it's been forever since I've used vim, and now I'm like.. frustrated having to use other text editors (like, I'm trying to use vim commands on the DW text editor right now LOLOL) but yeah I loooove vim so it feels very nice to use it. Makes me want to go back to using Linux XD But I have my sql server and stuff set up on Winny already, so it would be a pain to try to migrate over there. I do have a web server and stuff set up there, and all of the web dev tools I'd need (including a much more 'tricked out' vim lol, though I guess I could just copy my vimrc from there to here lol) but uh setting up the sql server again and stuff just... I don't want to XD Plus all my content is on Winny and I already have a database and tables on here and... yeah XD But I miss Lenny. I really would like to get another laptop for gaming and stuff and turn this one into a work computer that only runs Lenny.

ANYWAY. I used to want LJ (and I guess now DW) to be like, a detailed chronicle of my life lol but I hardly ever update here anymore. I think I have almost no social needs anymore (not that I had too much before) so as long as I like... tell one person about something I generally don't feel like I need to share it any more. And between Dens and my family and friends I usually end up telling someone everything before posting online, so all you get here is like OMG I HAVE ANXIETY I WANT DIE and crap.

But uh, I do want to talk about this one thing just so I can like... come back and laugh about it later XD

And that thing is that... somehow I stumbled onto this uh... nursery... rhyme? thing called "Johny Johny Yes Papa" which is this stupid song sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star but the lyrics are like:

Johny Johny Yes Papa
Eating sugar No Papa
Telling lies No Papa
Open your mouth Ha ha ha

And like it's supposed to be a conversation between Johny and Papa lol. Anyway, there are like 203598230958029358320958 videos of this on youtube, but somehow I stumbled onto like... this one made by this dad and his kid but they changed it to include all kinds of sweets, and it was dubbed over in Spanish?! And I have no idea how I even ended on that because I am not one of those like... youtube explorers who just clicks on random stuff like... I pretty much exclusively watch Hello! Project videos.

But somehow I saw that and clicked it which is weird on its own. BUT UH THE DAD WAS HOT and so I randomly started watching more of these and like... then I was just watching any Johny Johny Yes Papa thing I could find because it was funny and the song was stuck in my head and like there are so many weird ones... for two days I spent many hours of my day like... watching these stupid kid song things????????????????????????

And I even found like the official channel of the family that made the original one I found (as in, official channel of hot dad) and like... there's actually a lot of cute stuff on there and even though it's made for toddlers I like... watched so much lmfao.

And now constantly I have that stupid Johny Johny Yes Papa song stuck in my head, and this like Don't Put the Peeps in the Microwave thing, too...

Also I really wished I talked about H!P here ??? Well, like... more? Even when I was originally doing LJ I didn't talk about it much? Like... I have been into H!P for like 15 years now and it's one of my fav things of all time and like... idk, I feel like H!P is important to my life but I never talk about it??? But I think it's because I already have someone to talk about it with (and back then, I like... FORCED everyone around me to be into it too LOL) so I guess I don't need the outlet here??? lol. idk.

Also, I was thinking about the play diaries and it might be... quite a while before I'm able to get the website actually up and running, with all the editing and stuff, plus I might not want to publish it right away with the diaries like only partly finished?

So what I can do is just disable auto-formatting and format the entries properly on here and post them, then it will just be a matter of copy/pasting them to an html file and changing the img srcs, which shouldn't be hard at all. I can even go ahead and copy the proper images to the web directories so I pretty much can quickly just go in and change the urls... in fact, I'd be able to do it with just minimal effort after posting them to DW.

So I'll probably start doing those when I'm tired of editing the pages.

Editing all these pages is also nice because it gives me something to do that I can do without having to concentrate or think too hard, which means I can do it even with distractions, which is good, because literally everything distracts me. So a lot of times I just sit around and feel frustrated because I can't do anything. And that's something I'm going to be talking about more with my therapist lol.

but yeah since I'm just editing paragraphs at a time, and I can easily like... stop in the middle of one and restart just by rereading it from the beginning, and I can keep track of where I am because vim saves your cursor position plus the things I haven't done yet won't have the HTML tags on them... So it's something I can be interrupted with and continue doing.

But yeah, I'mma go back to editing entries now XD

Oh, yeah, I have screenshots and need to make a post about imsaga's new Roll System, which is pretty awesome XD

So, I had my second therapy session today. It went really well. I actually like therapy even though I get super anxious about it, but that's the reason I'm there anyway, so...

I got an autism diagnosis today, too. So now I don't have to worry about that anymore lol. Also I got various anxiety techniques and perspectives... IDK, I don't really want to go into it too much lmao.

I'm getting pretty close to finishing Armic's scenario in unsaga. I'm not sure how I want to do the upcoming posts. I think instead of doing a 'subadventures digest,' I might just highlight one or two interesting subadventures and then just kind of gloss over the most important things that happened. Because in a lot, nothing particularly interesting happens, and we've already covered all of these adventures in more detail before.

Knight's Mausoleum is one that I haven't gone over yet, and I really want to. That might really be the only 'big' one left before the final adventure.

But yeah Armic has not only achieved but surpassed the role I was trying to go for with Kurt and Mythe before, so I'm really excited about that. He's a little magical powerhouse.

I've also been playing a bit of RSG3. But not enough to write a post yet.

I got all my grinding done in imsaga though XD And even raised Boston. Oh yeah, I wanted to upload a pic about that.

( imsaga ramblings )