marchionessofmustache | Entries tagged with life: health

Here's an update yay.

I've been normal I guess, I'm being screened for bipolar lol. Maybe I just have every disorder that exists...

Well, it's really just like further specifying my troubles I guess?

Anyway, the website is coming along pretty well -- all the programming is 100% complete, including the blog and updates page, which means programming-wise it's launch-ready. Well, I'll probably test it a bit more but outside of a little bug testing it's launch-ready.

The only content I have left to edit is Laura's scenario so far, the Innocent Life diary, and the two entries in the TokiMemo3 diary. I also need to write introduction pages for all those things, and SCARLET GRACE as well. UNLIMITED:Saga and Romancing SaGa 3 already have theirs done.

The most difficult (as in, cumbersome, none of it is difficult, just ... consuming lol) thing will be finding all the images for Innocent Life since the links are almost all dead now, and they're buried in facebook somewhere. They're in albums that are separated by play session (which means probably also mostly separated by diary chapter) so at least it won't be like... trying to find them in a nonlinear fashion or something...

The second most annoying thing will be writing the SCARLET GRACE intro page, because I'm having the intro pages give the basic story background (like, what you would find in a manual or on the game's website or whatever. UN:Saga's I got from the manual and RomaSaGa3's is a translation of the intro story sequence thing in the game).

But I'm going to use the guidebook's little story section with the cool art to write this intro, which means translation fun!!! X_X Well, since I already played the game to completion once, hopefully I'll be familiar with all the vocabulary in it... but I'm sure I'll have forgotten tons of Chinese characters, which means looking them up in a kanji dictionary and I explained before how tedious and obnoxious that is in another post, and that's even using the most convenient electronic dictionary I can find lol.

In other news I've been really into a few games that are eating away way more time than they should.

First is Tree of Savior which is a free MMO I'm playing w/ X. It's probably the most fun and well-made f2p MMO I've ever seen? It's a really cool game and I really like it. I'm playing a healer and she's a destructive mage type and we go really well together. We just started doing instanced dungeons and they are a lot of fun. The story is a bit easy though, so it can be kind of tedious, especially if you want to do all the optional objectives like fill your monster diary thing by killing like 209580329850239580 of each kind of monster...

Another cool thing about it is that you're encouraged to have multiple characters and trade with yourself, and there are rewards in the game for doing things like collecting certain sets of items or completely uncovering maps of areas... but what's great is that these tasks are assigned to your entire team (account) and so you can do parts of them with each character or whatever if you want. And once you've finished one, all characters in your team can get the reward, even if you create a new character. And the rewards are EXP boosts and stuff, so once you've gotten very far in the game with one character, having completed lots of maps and collections, you can easily level up a brand new character and blaze through the early story stuff to get to the more interesting later-game stuff right away.

The game has a really cool class system where you choose one of 4 base classes and then every 15 class levels you 'rank up' and choose a new class in your base class's school. You get eight ranks up in all, and you get to keep all the abilities and bonuses you learn from each class, so which classes you pick will drastically change your character's build. And all the base classes have a lot of variety in the advanced classes (each one has 20 in all) so you can end up with a DPS cleric or a tank archer or something if you wanted to. There are also some hidden/secret classes but I don't know much about it...

The game encourages party play but works well for solo play if you want to play solo. This is not just in the large variety of skills and builds, but also in the way skills are designed. For example, the Cleric's healing spells work by placing magical symbols on the ground. If an ally steps on it, it heals them, and if an enemy steps on it, it hurts them. And you can power it up to place multiple seals at once... but it's cool because you can put the seal away from the enemy for your friends to walk on or place it right under the enemy to deal damage. And then you can augment it by going to a 'master' and spending ability points to give it additional abilities like increased damage, or to lose its damage altogether (so it only works as a support/healing spell).

The story seems pretty elaborate and cute, though nothing really super engaging. I still like reading all the text because the lore is neat enough, though.

The other games are SuperStar SMTOWN which is weird kpop game and IDK how I got into this but now I'm obsessively playing it...

And then Star Trek: Timelines which I just started which is a f2p phone game where you do little missions and collect crew members and level them up, your typical "buy stuff from the item shop or take forever" mobile game, but it's pretty cool for a free game and I'm really enjoying it so far.

There are two types of missions, ship battles and away team things. The ship battles are really stupid and boring and just 100% based on your setup and you just sit and watch it. You tap little buttons but there's like no real strategy to it out of like... the most basic strategy even a baby could do it...

The away missions are really fun, though. You have an mission you have to work toward and there's a little story, and there are lots of different paths to get that objective completed. For each 'step' in the mission, you can choose different ways of accomplishing it. For example if you need to get past some security people, maybe you will have options to drug their food, sneak in another way, or fight them head-on. That's kind of a cliché example but there's really a lot of different things. You choose one of your crew to do the task, and each crew member has levels in different fields like science, engineering, diplomacy, medicine, command... (actually that's all of them except "security" which is essentially just fighting LOL) as well as special traits like 'Pilot,' 'Jury Rigger,' 'Public Figure,' whatever. Certain objectives will match up with certain traits and the crew member will get a boost.

Basically there's just a target number you have to reach to clear the objective, and you compare that with your crew member's base stat + any bonuses they got from traits + a random number that they roll based on their roll range (which you can also increase). Whether you clear or fail the objectives in the mission you continue moving forward, but the mistakes you make earlier in the mission will cause trouble in the final outcome, making it harder to pass.

Each objective has flavor text for success and fail and maybe critical success... I haven't paid enough attention to notice (since usually I either always get critical success or never get it, and I don't remember what it said last time anyway if I replay a mission). But yeah, it describes what happens based on your actions and how you move forward toward the main goal of the mission.

There's also various stories where you'll see lots of characters from the series which is fun, and the overall story arcs span many missions and you can change how the story goes in those through your choices, even to the point of the conclusion being different, and whatever happens at the end of an arc shifts the balance of power in the universe forever (lol). Basically your choices let you pick who 'wins' in a conflict or whatever, so you're usually choosing to support different factions or whatever. I ended up supporting the Klingons and Cardassians in the first two stories because they're hot LOLLL and because you get to recruit a member from that faction at the end, and the first story you got Worf, and the second one you got Dukat so I kinda had to pick those XD

You also influence your diplomacy level with the various factions as you do this and they can like or dislike you, which means when you try to buy items from them you might be locked out of some if they don't like you enough. You can also do shuttle missions which are just idle/waiting missions where you send someone to help out a faction and they're gone for like... 3 hour or something and then they come back and you get rewards XD

There's also various events in the game, like this PvP-ish shuttle combat thing which is stupid, some PvP crew member fighting thing that's going on right now (but I think it's ending today?), and these daily missions where you can only use low-ranking characters on the challenges...

Like most of these games, you mainly recruit crew members through a random pull, and what's annoying about this game is that the random pull will give items or characters so you can just end up getting tons of items... You also recruit crew members through the story and stuff, too. And you certainly won't find yourself lacking in crew members; I have already dismissed many because I had a bunch I didn't even want.

You can get like every character ever except for Dr Pulaski (I FEEL LIKE THIS IS LIKE HOW THERE'S NO TIBERIUS IN IMPERIAL SAGA) and many characters have multiple variations you can get... like there are like 10 different Picards or something. It's not just the main crew, like... pretty much any major subcharacter is recruitable. A good example, there are three variations of Lt Barclay. THREE. That's a lot!!! (But no Pulaski LOL and only 3 Archers...) and pretty much if there's a character that was in more than one episode or was just in one but it was a popular/memorable episode you can probably get them.

The event starting tomorrow you can get Robin Hood Picard and Nottingham Q :) Which means mustache Picard :)))))

It's really fun and you can also have friends and fleets (guilds) in the game, and there's even in-game chat. I ignore the global chat but you have a fleet chat, and maybe friend chat too (I have no friends so idk). I joined an LGBT fleet and people actually talk in it and it's scary. I want to make my own but I have no one to join :,) I'm trying to force my brother to play it XDDD Even though he doesn't like Trek (well, he pretends like he doesn't... he's only ever seen Enterprise and he liked it and watched the whole first season with me sooo uh LOL)

But yeah within your fleet you can also have squadrons, which are teams of five players, and certain events are squadron events where you work together... I don't know what it will be like because I've only been playing for like a day, but a squadron event (the mustache Picard event LOL) starts tomorrow... I joined a squadron in my fleet but I feel bad because they're all like Lv50+ and I'm like... level 12 LOLLL. Plus I'd rather play with friends and I kinda hate playing with strangers... but I want to see what the game has to offer. The event structure seems like it might be similar to Shpherd's Crossing Online which is great because that game had great events. And there's lots of Picard stuff to get from this event :D

Most of my pulls have been kinda boring. In the beginning my most powerful characters were like... Wesley Crusher and Alexander (Worf's kid LOL). But I've really powered up some others now and my best characters include Sisko (command, security), Archer (command, security), Spock (science), Data (engineering), Hoshi Sato (diplomacy), Dr Crusher (medicine), and Seven of Nine (science and engineering).

There are three old mustache Scottys available in the game so I really want those 8))))

I also recently got T'Pol and Trip so I have more than enough to make an entire away team of Enterprise crew :D With Archer commanding *___* Though they're like both really weak but I feel like eventually T'Pol could be better than Seven.

The art in the game is pretty cool, it's like comic bookish style illustrations.

Also at the beginning you get to choose one captain to be like your starter Pokémon... but uh... you can only choose Kirk, Picard, or Sisko!! I chose Sisko bc the art of him was very handsome XD I love his little voice clips, too.

Some characters have voice clips and it's like... weird who they chose to give voice clips to... Wesley has voice clips but Dr Crusher and Riker don't...???

Anyway talking too much. I actually came on here to get the Innocent Life diaries XD

OK what I actually came on here to post was that I had the 'disability' talk with Dennis today and surprisingly he already thought it was a good idea for me even before we talked about it. I'm seeing Dr Nolan on Monday so I guess I'll just ask him for advice or something because I feel like at this point I'm probably going to apply for it very soon.

But yeah surprisingly I was expecting Dens to have not ever really thought about it, and to kind of be unsure what to think or something...? But he seemed pretty adamant not only to convince me that I should get it as soon as I can and just get rid of it when/if I don't need it anymore (which... is how you're supposed to do it but lol) and that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about it.

Dens also keeps urging me to get new glasses (I haven't gotten new glasses in like 15 years) since my health insurance might just poof soon and I'll have no real options after that, especially since I have some apparently severe pre-existing conditions, so it will be pretty much impossible to get insurance without being rich...

But I keep forgetting to do it lol. Maybe I should look into it this weekend and try to do it this week...? I have like... super weird and limited options for optical stuff through Medicaid, so...

I think if I get Soc Sec Disability (though it sounds like the chance of getting it is extremely low because I've known people with really severe cases like, being physically unable to stand or walk or pick up even lightweight things... getting rejected... though you can get lawyers for it and like, I would assume these lawyers would not require you to be rich considering it would be very common for their clients to not have access to work because they're disabled...?), I might have to change over to Medicaid Disability ...?? But I feel like... the plan is jut for people who need it and I'm able to cover the treatment I need with regular Medicaid. But it might be something I have to do anyway??? I don't want to lol. I guess if I get disability interview I can ask about it then since I'm pretty sure it's all handled by the same office (at least at that level).

I want to play Voez especially since there's new songs in the rotation and I haven't played but like one or two of them, but I'm tired and kind of want to just sit on the couch with Dens and wind down so I can sleep easily. For my next Chuchu I need to All-Perfect three songs on Special which is... lol. It took me so long to get the first and I had to choose a super easy Special stage... The others like... Don't even feel doable LOL. Colorful Voice might be possible... but I don't know what else I could do. I want more Chuchus though D: I'll get one soon because they're getting rid of all the 52hz I Love You songs, which is sad because I looooove all of them. And I had even bought one with a Chuchu, so when they dump them, they'll be reimbursing Chuchus.

I really want to draw Qian Qian because I love herrrr. I actually love all the characters, really. Well, the girls. I think I talked about this already hahhaa. But I like, went out of my way to like... learn who was who (if you just read the story casually it's kind of hard to follow, so I had to re-read it carefully to tell which name matched up with each character's art XD)

Qian Qian is my favorite but Yuko is soooooo cute and fun and I wish she was real and I'd read her blog, and Chelsea is adorable and I can't wait for her to develop more because I feel like she's going to be an interesting character??? Like she seems to be like... prominently displayed in the art and in the opening and stuff...? IDK maybe I'm overanalyzing XD But she's cute and I want to know more about her.

I wish the boys were more interesting, though. Like Ocean and Jessy are pretty much the same and I actually had them mixed up at first because they may as well be the same person. The only differences between them are how the girls react to them/think about them lol.

Lance is okay because he's kind funny but he's also like super annoying because he bullies Chelsea lol.

But yeah I'mma go rest/sleep now.

Thanks to everyone who expressed condolences/sympathies/etc about the thing with my grandfather. My mental health kinda plummeted recently with the stress of that and some other things so I didn't really respond to anyone, but I did read everything here and even on Miitomo and stuff. So thanks a lot for your thoughts.

He seems to be doing okay, as in hanging on for now, but... there's still a lot of worry and tension surrounding it. And then my mom told me yesterday that my grandmother isn't doing well and we should take a trip out to see her very soon...

I'm trying to not focus on it too much.

At therapy on Tuesday (I had to go on Tuesday instead of Thursday alskdjfklasdjf) I didn't even have to bring up social security and disability because my therapist suggested it himself lol. I guess that's a bit more validating but... at the same time it's kind of frustrating lol. Not that he brought it up but that I'm like ... so obviously a mental case XD

I started working on the website again. I've been kind of ignoring it (and everything) recently, but I'm making a lot of progress. If I keep going at this pace I could launch very soon, as in within a week. But I'll probably slow the pace down over the weekend and focus more (or entirely) on drawing coloring pages then.

I ordered a set of dumbbells (omfg it's spelled with two b's?!) online recently with my Bing points. The shipping would have been a ton (like $20 or something) but I could get free shipping with $10 more of items, and I'd be able to cover the entire purchase with Bing points so I wouldn't have to spend any money, so I went and found a new coloring book for Dens and I got a Forster novel that I don't have yay. It's his sci-fi dystopian thing that I forget even existed until now.

Um I just remembered Happy Bookers. Oops. I totally forgot about the dog book O_o uhhhhh

Yeah idk.

Anyway, I'm doing this thing now where I like... have a chart to track my ability to focus and complete daily tasks as well as put stuff like exercise and sleep and medications in there... to see if my mood cycles (rather than like, triggers, I guess?)

And in therapy we might start focusing on like... learning life/work skills lmaoooo. Maybe next we will do times tables and read a picture book.

The main things I need to do for the site now are just to write the index/intro pages for each play diary, make a 'new' play diary page (like, a page that shows recent updates and stuff), and uh... maybe make an overall home page, I guess. But I'm thinking of making the new and home page the same thing, since... what else would even go on the home page anyway? There's a nav menu at the top of the pages now where you can select all the diaries and see which ones I have planned (I pretty much just typed in every title in the Elite Four series, though with Harvey I only put things from DS Cute and back, and left out some alternate versions).

Anyway, I should stop blathering and do some exercise and get back to work.

Also for breakfast today I ate Reese's Eggs lmfao.

Today is tharpy dayyyyyyyyyyyy

I've had not so great a week I feel??? But I did ok today. I kind of want to bring up the topic of disability but I also feel ashamed about it so who knows what will happen lmao.

But um... Imperial SaGa got a new update today~~ The old event ended and we got our prizes. I kinda didn't try too hard so I was only in the top 50th percentile, but I still got character tickets. There was also a character ticket for logging in on the day of the first showing of Romancing SaGa The Stage (which was 4/20) and then a character ticket for logging in on the anniversary of the release of Minstrel Song (4/21) and since the day switches over at 11AM here, I got both today haha.

But uh, the one from RSG The Stage gave me...

Undine!!! I was expecting a bunch of reds and maybe a purple so to get not only a gold, but someone who fits pretty well on my team is really cool????

Also, there's a promo day for Nina coming up, where 50% of all golds will be her, and if you get her, she's Rainbow instead of gold. It's still only like a 0.4% chance of actually getting her but... it's in the Series Gacha, so if I don't get her, I'll still get SaGaFro2 characters which is cool? So I'm thinking about trying.

Not that I have any particular love for Nina or something. I mean, I like her but I haven't played enough SGF2 to really know her so she's just a cool idea? BUT not only do I like her design, but she has really cool abilities that would be perfect for my team lmao (it boosts the magic power of anyone with wind, water, or earth arts and most of my party are characters with two or three schools of magic arts already and they all fall into that category XD).

Plus, she's the last promo, so I'll be able to see the news about whatever updates are coming next to see if I want to actually spend my Kr or not. Though since they just now added SaGa 1 stuff, I'm guessing they will go through SaGa 2 and SaGa 3 before ever getting to UNSaga...

BUT!!!

If they add SaGa 2 stuff soon, that means there is a chance we could get Dad or Mask???? So I'd like to have them??? But, uh, it would probably be better to wait until they've been around a while and wait for a promo gacha that focuses on him (which there surely will be). And the only thing they've added from SG1 so far are Human Man and Human Woman (yeah lmao they're just added generic characters now but STILL NO TIBERIUS).

But anyway, along with this event, they've added new characters. What's cool is anymore they don't only add promo characters, but just add some new gold characters to the regular roster, and give an increased chance of getting them in the regular gacha during the event, and they using them in your party will boost the event items you get from quests.

The two new golds are Mikhail and Holy Emperor, and in my Play Diary, I talked about how I was unsure of how to translate Holy Emperor because the common fan translation is "Holy King," but uh in Imperial SaGa she's definitely a woman, so I'm glad I ended up choosing "Emperor" in the end. Even though I realize "Empress" is a word, like... "Emperor" just sounds a lot less gendered than "King."

Um but the new Holy Emperor art has stupid boob window lol... The one thing I hate most about Imperial SaGa is that they sexualized all the women and girls in the new art. One thing I've always liked about SaGa is that it doesn't really have oversexualized female characters, but Imperial SaGa like... destroys that lol.

Like, uh, for example, Monica is a great character, for instance, who has a really interesting story and grows so much and despite being a princess is really badass and independent like...??? She's so great on her own and could have so much really cool art but instead we get like... Monica laying seductively on a bed with her tits about to burst out of her clothes like...

???????????????

Not only is this completely unrelated to anything she does ever in the game, and not only is it missing out on an opportunity to capture so many great aspects of her character, but it's like... actually out-of-character for her...?

And like... it's not like I don't like sexy art or whatever because I very much do and I even do really like the Monica art I'm complaining about because she looks very pretty in it but... leave that to the pervy fan artists? If you're going to make official art of your characters for a game please make them... somewhat... relevant... to... the game...???????

Like IDK there's just so much to love about Monica and we have this opportunity to get super cool new Monica art, new art of a great and interesting character that does a lot of things and has a really interesting story and has so many situations that would be awesome to see illustrated...

And she's reduced to "look at titty."

It makes me mad!!

Anyway, the promo character for the event right now is Ward! Which means new Ward art!!

Beautiful...

And see, characters can be hot as hell without being sexualized. If they're already sexy they don't need like... awkward sex poses and beds they will just be sexy anyway???????????

He and Mikahil (and probably Holy Emperor) are part of the story (it's about fighting Byunei) for the event but I just skip the story so IDK what it's really about lmaooooo. There's like a gallery mode where you can watch all past event stories and stuff so I figure if I ever care about the story of this game I'll go watch that. I still don't even really know the main plot of the main story because I just skip through literally everything LOL.

Oh and his Commander Skill is that he boosts the attack power of anyone with light magic arts, which in my current party is just Leon, but Leon also uses foil so his attacks are ridiculously strong right now (like just his regular Final Letter is doing more damage than Boston's super critical thing LOL). Though if I used Screwdriver I'd get Ultra Critical every time too (since it's effective against women) but I think the power of his Screwdriver is so low that just using Final Letter would be better? (Uh, also, his Final Letter is really beefed up).

Also when characters level up they say like little quote things, like each character just has one they always say. Leon says like "Follow Me" (but in a way that sounds much cooler than that??) And uh... Ward's was "You wanna take a job?" and I was like wtf why did they choose that?? And then I realized that's pretty much HIS ONLY LINE OF DIALOGUE IN THE ENTIRE GAME LMFAO

IDK why I get attached to SaGa characters when they are hardly more than visual character concepts LOL

But yeah the boss of the event quests is Byunei, and she's weak to piercing damage, so Boston's special art that he came with always Super Criticals on her because it's piercing damage (despite being a punch) plus is effective against Abyss creatures and characters (which means it always gets a critical, and using weakness + critical hit = Super Critical XD)

You can actually Ultra Critical which is dual weakness + critical hit, but you have to hit with elemental and physical weakness and get a crit at the same time so I've never seen it lmao.

IDK what to do for the next 20 minutes lol. I'm feeling anxious. I guess I'll do KA a bit and then pack up my stuff so it's ready for going to Dens or something. I'm going early again this week. I hope all the patterns get back to normal soon~~

So, I was waiting til I finished the tutorial part of the website to launch it, but I'm starting to think maybe I should start with just a Play Diary website? It sounds horrible but I don't know if I could manage updating both play diaries and tutorials regularly, and I'm already losing a lot of motivation because the idea is overwhelming.

Plus the tutorial site would still start with just like... one little thing which is like... not really substantial anyway? Like, I've only written the first project's lessons, which is pretty basic. The idea was to launch with that and continue adding a new lesson weekly but like...

I know it is ridiculous but writing a lesson and writing a play diary in one week seems like a lot of work even though it's like extremely minimal work?? It's not that the actual WORK is a lot of work, it's that I already realize that I have to find times when I'm not having problems with anxiety or depression or sensory shit and I have to be alone and etc etc plus switching focus is almost impossible for me so if I feel like doing play diary but need to work on tutorial or the other way around I will like... just get overwhelmed and do nothing lol.

Like, I know it sounds stupid and it's like "ok but sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do" or whatever but believe me it's NOT THAT LOL. I'm not just being finicky or lazy like my brain literally will fight with me and make me increasingly ill if I try to force myself to switch focus or force focus on something it's not already focusing on. And I seem to have little control over when these focus shifts happen, though trying to force new ones usually makes them ALL collapse and then I just focus on like... being depressed for a while???

But yeah IDK I think I might just finish up the play diary site as it is and launch it, and then start adding new content to it. Maybe I can even continue doing several diaries and wait and do the tutorial thing later...?

I found this like 'coffee' crowdfunding site (I forget the name but it's like a weird spelling of coffee lol) where you basically just accept $3 donations called "coffees" and you can like set goals and stuff on it? It seems better than a donate button and less intimidating than a Patreon to a potential donor, so I might try that out once I get the site up.

I keep thinking about it so I think I'll probably end up doing it, but I still want to do the "every NES game ever" play diary lol. Maybe once I get the site up and running and finally edit the Innocent Life diary and get caught up editing unsaga (since there's a lot more now), I'll start it???

But uh IDK.

The main reason I didn't want to launch the website w/o the tutorial thing is because hosting costs money, and it was going to be like... two separate subsites hosted on the same server, and I figured it would be better to like... already have both in existence when I pay for hosting since it will be a substantial amount of money for me (and probably cut like... a couple months off of my "this is where you run out of food" time limit) and I was hoping to do a little minor monetization with the sites, but uh...

I'm really terrible at promoting myself already, and I don't really have anywhere to promote the tutorial site?? I mean, I have accounts at a few game dev forums and stuff like that but like... I'm not going to just go make a topic like HEY GUYS GO TO MY SITE AND PAY FOR IT ALSO SORRY FOR NOT PARTICIPATING HERE FOR YEARS LOL

But I'm more likely to "promote" my play diary site because I'm active on game forums and stuff and constantly talk about it anyway? So I can just mention it and I won't feel like I'm like... imposing. IDK LOLLLLL;;;;

But I also was thinking, that if I can get the PD site up and running well enough, and finish Dens's coloring book thing, I could get back to working on Rogue Nightmare, and I feel like having a bigger game like that published will give me more credibility and attention for a game dev tutorial site anyway??????

And then I can use the web hosting to host a devblog for the game and stuff.

IDK like honestly this seems like a WAY BETTER PLAN since like the chance of me successfully monetizing either of these things is like pretty low and like that's not really the reason I'm doing it (monetization is more just like... a life necessity LOL because I'll need to make up for the cost of hosting somehow) but I just hate changing plans even if the new plan is easier and better??? Like it just feels 'wrong' and like... makes me feel like I shouldn't do anything at all.

Why... is my brain like this...????

Anyway, opinions/reassurance/something? Is putting off the site for probably a very long time just for the sake of having a small part of the tutorial launch alongside it worth it? You have to keep in mind that I may not be able to continue to afford hosting, so there's a chance if I don't launch the tutorial site, I may never get to launch it.

But I guess if I keep holding off, I just will end up spending all money on food and have $0 total so... nothing will launch XD I mean that's like quite a way away -- I have enough money to eat until 2018 at least. How far into 2018 I can go, though, I'm not sure yet. But there's a lot of time before then so anything can happen. Maybe I'll become functional enough to do Real People work or something soon?

Soooo last night I was going to the bathroom to get ready for bed and my dad??? came home?????????? and had someone with him????? Maybe even 2 people idk. But yeah like... they were loud and like... started watching TV... so I would have to cross in front of them to get back to my room. And I hadn't done anything in the bathroom yet and I was afraid to because there were people there lol. So I like... spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet, sitting on the floor, sitting in the bathtub... (I was thinking maybe I could trick everyone into thinking that I wasn't in there and had just accidentally left the light on and door closed, and if anyone came in just hold my breath in the tub behind the curtains and UH YEAH I QUICKLY REALIZED HOW STUPID OF AN IDEA THAT WAS LOL)

Anyway, I eventually (about like an hour of being in there lol) flushed the toilet and washed my hands even though I hadn't done anything but sit around and then went out and like dashed across the room and my dad asked if I was okay and I said maybe and they (?) like kind of chuckled???? IDEK who was there or whatever because I didn't look lol. But there was definitely someone because I could hear the VOICESSSSS

So uh the main reason I left the bathroom was because I remembered I had a like big bottle (like it had Gold Peak tea in it, maybe around 2 liters? 1.5 liters?) that I keep water in to give to the roachies, but I stopped using it because their spray bottle has ample water, so I just kinda had that empty Gold Peak bottle sitting around. And I was like... oh I can pee in that and then throw it out later LOL. Because I could like... put on headphones and put my headset on and sit by the fan bc I wouldn't be able to hear them.

Because I can't pee if I can hear like... literally any noises at all? Like constant noises like fan or a/c or whatever is fine but like... hearing like... things that come and go like footstep or w/e, I can't. It's not really a social anxiety thing because stuff like thunder or birds on the roof or whatever do it too LOL it's because I have to concentrate??? and all noises distract and scare me so :))))))))))

ANYWAY I got back to my room and had a mini panic attack and then remembered that I had thrown that bottle away lolllll. So I still had to go to the bathroom but I certainly couldn't go back out now.

And it was still kinda noisy like... they were being quiet but similar to peeing I can't sleep if I can hear anything at all because like anyk ind of sounds trigger my anxiety and knowing people are awake when I'm trying to sleep does too (because I'm afraid they WILL make sounds, even if they're not now lol)

So uh I took some hydroxyzine (fortunately I had water in my room from earlier and hadn't drunk it all yet) which did not help at all and then laid on the floor with my head under my desk and put my fan on the floor so it would drown out noise and like... tried to sleep but I couldn't at all because there were people and I had to pee lmfao.

So uhhh after some period of time that felt both long and short, they went into his bedroom and went to sleep, and I sat with my back to the door making sure everything was quiet before leaving my room, and eventually got to go to the bathroom and they were sleeping I guess because it was quiet so I was able to go to sleep after that. Then I only slept like 6 hours but that's like... enough sleep but I usually sleep like 7-8 hours so idk. But I think I just woke up because the sun came out and I like to have my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. And anymore I feel like I don't sleep through the sun (which is good, that's what I wanted XD)

Anyway, so this morning I figured since I didn't sleep much and they'll probably laze around in there for a while, I could brave going out again, since it was quiet, so I managed to go to the bathroom without making much noise with doors or whatever but of course the toilet and sink make noise whether you want them to or not. And then I could hear mumbling from my dad's room since the bathroom is adjacent...

SO LOL CUE ANXIETY AGAIN FUN TIMESSSSS

But uhhh I forced myself to make breakfast since I really doubted they'd just suddenly spring up and exit the room after a little groggy mumbling. I was only making a peanut butter sandwich so it should not take long. And it didn't and I got back to my room yay. Even though I don't like to eat in here anymore but... I'm not risking sitting out at the dining table lmfao.

But uh I need to exercise and shower and stuff but I definitely can't do that if a human being might exist in close proximity to me so I guess I will just suffer lmfao. I already didn't exercise on Thursday for Reasons, and then Friday I normally don't exercise anyway so uhhh this would be three days of no esize?

I guess I could like... just do it and then sit in here a sweaty mess in front of the fan until I knew everything was clear so I could go take a shower.

Oh, but I need to go get water... I guess I'll do that now while it's still quiet????? I really don't want to leave but the anxiety is not too bad right now, like once I know they're really awake for the day it will be horrible, so I'm kind of anticipating that and that makes me anxious but I did eat and take my pill cocktail so I'm feeling okay right now... just a little nervous in anticipation. But also typing stuff like this calms me down too lololol.

So uh yeah I think I will go try to get water now. The water cooler isn't noisy since the cooling mechanism broke and I won't have to use the faucet so I should be able to do it pretty silently. But idk why I keep sitting here and typing because pretty much every moment is a countdown til they get up sooo LOL.

OK I GOT WATER YAYYYYY. I'm pretty sure they didn't wake up or anything yet, just maybe a little when I went to bathroom but went back to sleep.

Now the sun is at a position in the sky where it's like right in my face and hard to look at computer sooo this is when I would normally start exercising and stuff. So I guess I should do that?

I'm kinda nervous about them like... waking up while I'm exercising...?????????????????????????

Maybe I will just... sit on the floor in the corner and put my face on the wall for several hours :)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Uh recently I've been debating to myself if I should try to apply for disability, but I keep feeling like I don't need it and that I'm cheating and stuff and that they'll call my doctors and they'll be like wtf no!! and then refuse to treat me or something LMFAO and I realize that's stupid but I at least want to talk to the doctor about it first though???? But uh I'd want to talk to both my therapist and my psychologist about it first, and probably talk it over with Dens and all those things are anxiety sooooo lmao I'll probably just do nothing.

Anyway the reason I mentioned this is because I keep thinking "No, I'm just being lazy. I could get a job if I would just go out and do it" but uhhh I can't even go to the bathroom in my own fucking apartment because like... people exist??

And this isn't a like "strangers" thing, like if it was just my dad coming home alone and watching TV it would have been the same and this same kind of thing has happens all the time, like I can't even go to the bathroom with Dennis is folding laundry or something lol.

Uh but the whole like, not wanting to exercise and stuff is a 'strangers' thing I guess? Or maybe an 'unpredictable situation' thing, because I would be fine if it was just my dad and brother like normal, I think because I know what do expect from them? Like I know they would definitely not come into my room suddenly or like... be out in the main areas for very long? Unless it was just my dad sitting in his chair which... only sometimes causes me anxiety and makes me unable to leave my room but since Prozac+therapy I've at least been able to leave my room when my dad is sitting quietly in his chair lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

As I type this it sounds funny lol. Like it doesn't even sound real? Like, I'm thinking about what I am writing and I'm like "hahaha wtf that is weird and dumb??? who actually thinks like that???" BUT UH IT IS REAL?????

BUT UH ANYWAY my point is like... I feel like if I struggle just to like take care of basic needs like bathroom simply because I might hear a noise or a person exists in the general vicinity like... maybe that is enough to consider myself disabled? I mean I do consider myself disabled already but like I mean "fully" disabled by government standards or whatever lmfao. Since you can't get social security for "partial" disability (even if it meant you were only partially able to support and take care of yourself, which makes no sense, but I'm not going to get political right now lmfaooo)

So yeah sun is in my face and I'm like staring at the floor and squinting my eyes and trying to just look up now and then when a cloud goes by to make sure I'm typing everything right... gotta check for those squiggly reds lolol. So uh I really should do something other than sit on the computer, like ... exercise ...

but anxiety :) And I kind of feel like vomiting and have a headache now like... all of a sudden??? But I think it's just my brain doing the like... force-my-body-to-procrastinate thing, which is an entirely other mental problem I have so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy life.

Like IDK I don't really feel bad right now like I feel like this is so ridiculous and silly that it doesn't even seem real and I feel like I'm like... watching someone else type all this out, like it's a movie about me but I'm not me (loll) and I'm like just sitting here thinking about ridiculous and unrealistic this person is and it's like mildly humorous, but not in the way where you really laugh, but where you just keep watching because it at least hits that bare minimum level of entertainment to where you don't end up doing anything else.

And uh now I have to go to the bathroom again but this isn't the procrastination thing, this is just around when I usually have my ~*~DAILY BOWEL MOVEMENT~*~ sooo uhhh lol. But I definitely don't feel up to doing that right now but uh I have a lot of experience with holding bowel movements. I can go days. I'm a pro. Doesn't that like... give you cancer or something? Maybe I'll commit suicide by never taking a shit lmfaooooooooooooooo

I'm not really feeling suicidal right now I just thought that was funny but it's not because all of this is real and I'm really this much of a mess lmfaooooo but I GUESS I AM STILL LAUGHING?

Anyway, THE SUN is attacking my (it's solar jutsu~~~ It's using Starfixer to paralyze me... it should just use Daybreak and end this madness XDD)

Actually I want a shadow servant so I can make them go do everything for me XD Ummm but I guess that can't poo for me so oops.

Well they could go get a bucket and I could poo in that and make them go dispose of it.

Except if I had a Shadow Servant, the Servant would probably have anxiety, too, right? lol whenever I think about that thing where you have a clone and make the clone do all the stuff you don't want to do ... like... the clone would not want to do it either... and would want you to do it LOL like why would the close like just... be in servitude to you... it makes no sense.

OK SUN PLEASE STOP I PROMISE I WILL DO GOO DIN THIS WORLDLDSDGKSLGKJ

I really can't be at the computer anymore or I will go blind, so... I'm either going to cry in a corner or exercise (prolly the latter, actually, because I'm feeling a bit better after typing all this out lmao, and I did successfully get water!!! in a cup!!!! I'm a grown-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

ETA: JK I HEARD A FAINT SOUND SO I AM JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR LOL

Well now I'm sitting like awkwardly against the wall with my usb keboard on my lap loll it's pretty much impossible to see the screen qithout like getting close to it and squienteting so I odont' even know if i'm typing stuff right? Like, I generally make a lot of mistakes while typing, and I'm catchin a lot right now because I can 'feel' them, like I just typed 'fell' and realized I did then knew how many tyimes to press backspace but I also know that i'm like... randomly hitting lots of other keys and stuff, and earlier I typed some word and knew I missed it up bad but didn't know how to correct it so I just left it and you probably can't even tell what word it is because I was basically just like hitting random keys.

Anyway no exercise for me now :) Also it's hot in here because there's no a/ in my room (I odn't heven have a proper room, I just like... sleep in a den LOL and there's no like a/c or heating or anything in here XD er, there's heating nvm. But it's like this weird heated ceiling thing and it's either no heat or it's 200 degrees soooo lmfao.

Actually I had something I was going to say when I started typing this??? But I've alrady forgotten it :\

OH YEAH

I was gonna say like... i'm trying to do the whole like... rationalizing thing like...

OK so like the first thing I have to do is recognize if this fear is a rational/beneficial thing and like... it's not but... sudden sounds or people suddenly talking to me can give me an anxiety attack or panic attack and that's more what I'm afraid of, than the sounds themselves, I think? So I in a way I guess it's a RATIONAL fear, in a sense, but lie.... it's not beneficial????

nvm I'm just going to say NO... so I guess really the best thing to do would to be to... pretend like... I'm okay... so I GUESS I SHOULD EXERCISE??? But I kinda have to calm down from the noise lol. I think it was my brother opening his door lol X_X

I want to hug my Palkia but it's across the room and I don't want to like... move from this spot lol.

Oh I got some graph paper the other day (my dad like... brought it home from a garage sale idk) so I think I will graph trig functions or something lol because graphs make me happee

It seems like lj's new TOS broke DW because too many people were rushing here at once or something hahaha.

I'm almost caught back up to where I realized I wasn't taking any screencaps at all in Laura's scenario lol.

I haven't played with Urpina in a couple of days, but I missed out on a bunch of the characters I was planning on having in my final team. I think I may have talked about this already...? So I'm just kinda picking the best from who I do happen to find, and I'm not going to "try" for any characters from here on out. There are just SO many options and so many missable things in this game, which is both good and bad, but I do have a nice team of 9 and am looking for a 'male' mage for the party now, as the only role I don't really have filled. Though I did look through the characters and it seems there's only one even left available, and getting him seems to require some pretty specific choices, so I MIGHT try for him when I get to that turning point, but I'm also not wanting to look at guides much, so...

Also Urpina has like a million endings or something X_X; Leo only had two and it was based solely on your decision just before the end. Urpina's different endings are impacted as early as finishing the little intro chapter of her story it seems.

But I'm really trying not to look at the guide too much lol. I just looked more when I couldn't find the characters in the locations they were supposed to be, and realized I missed out on a lot of stuff.

I might start writing the Laura scenario play diary later today. I have a looootttt to write because I pretty much am going to be done with the entire story except the last couple of adventures lol. I should probably upload the Urpina caps and start on those, too, because it will take forever...

I've been having a hankering to play SaGa 1 or SaGa 2 recently. I want to make play diaries of them eventually, but I don't want to start them right now, so maybe I'll just play through one of them for fun. I've cleared SaGa 1 a few times, but never SaGa 2, though I've gotten pretty far. Or maybe I should play SaGa 3 even though I ... really don't like it that much haha.

I might actually start the TokiMemo play diary this week, too. Especially since I'll probably get my book today. I'm kinda slowing down on the website because I've been feeling burned out and a friend and my therapist recommended I pace myself better and not put too much pressure on myself.

Also, I mentioned that I looked for a job the other day and my therapist was like shocked and seemed hesitant to accept that and was saying more stuff about how I have to do stuff at my own pace.

In one way I still feel kind of... weird/bad/tired about being treated like a "severe" case (IDK if I mentioned this but I was also instructed to take all sharp objects out of my room lololol) but at the same time it's a bit... reassuring/validating that... I'm not just lazy/stupid and I have serious problems that make it difficult for me to find and maintain jobs and complete tasks and maintain interpersonal relationships and stuff.

Oh, Joe was in town this week and we played Catan yesterday and it was fun but a little awkward, and I guess he and his wife got a divorce, but I didn't know, and I asked them if they were planning on having any kids (which I know is an obnoxious question, but we were already talking about kids/pregnancy so it was not like super random?) and then he was like "oh about that" and I felt terrible, but I guess it was a civil parting, they just realized marriage wasn't for them and are still friends and still work/live together? Er, they might not live together anymore, but I think they still work at the same school (idk lmao I don't ask about details on anything so I never know anything).

Anyway, yeah, that was weird, and we talked about Star Trek which is good and now I feel like watching Trek but I don't because I hate watching things and I'm playing like three SaGa games right now and feeling like starting another for fun and starting Tokimemo and like... lol. And I feel like drawing recently, too -- I want to be able to make a coloring book for dens for his birthday, which is over two months away, but making an entire book's worth of drawings could easily take two months or more, so I should get started on it. Probably I should dedicate at least one day a week to it, and I don't want to do it when he's around because I want the contents to be a surprise (though I could easily hide it from him when he's around anyway since it's not like he looks at my computer screen that much and his eyesight is very poor so he hardly can see anything on it anyway, and I can just zoom or minimize when he's near so he can't see what it is... actually I might be more motivated to work on it around him, so... maybe I'll start doing that...)

IDK if I updated about this last night but

The programming for all of the play diary sites is done. Well, not Innocent Life but I'm not going to add that til later I think. Because that's a ton more editing and going back and finding images I deleted and stuff...

So I'mma work on editing the rest of the entries (partly done with Scarlet Grace and need to do all of RSG3) and programming the grammin tut site. Then I'll be ready for launch. IDK if I'll launch right away or try to finish up some more of the play diaries and iron out the programming site or what.

I also plan to eventually have many subsites, like an art portfolio site, and I was to make some game fansites (well, maybe not multiple, but I at least want to create a serebii-like site for unsaga, then might expand it to the whole series?)

So I'm feeling pretty good lol.

I have therapy tomorrow and am actually looking forward to going. I think I might (MIGHT) be able to deal with the waiting room better this time. But I have a lot to talk about and like... usually a big thing that makes me nervous is I feel like I won't have anything to say and won't know what to say and stuff >_>;

But I have many things this time XD From things I looked up about that we talked about last time, and what's happened in the last 3 weeks, and stuff I realized about myself, etc.

I think I already posted about my SUDDENLY SUICIDAL day a week ago, and then I thought I was falling into depression again, but I feel like I'm not anymore lolol. I think maybe I had a very short depressive episode or something, or I'm just like... a lot better at dealing/recovering from one because of meds and stuff.

BUT a thing happened today, too. After getting an autism diagnosis, I've been more analytical about my behaviors and actions. I didn't really want to think too much about it before since I wasn't really sure if I was autistic or not, but after having a doctor say so I feel more comfortable like... really analyzing myself with that perspective I guess.

Anyway, I've notice that I'm more attached to routines than I thought previously. I used to think I didn't really have any attachment to routine (which was also something that made me wonder if I might not have autism) but rather it's that I am very adverse to changing or forcing routines. Because the word "routine" makes me think of forced routines, my immediate reaction to the word "routine" is I HATE THEM lmao lmao. But I noticed that I have to do a lot of things the same every time, and things that are really not problematic at all are stressful simply if they happen out of order or at weird times or whatever, and trying to force new routines or whatever is DOOOMMMM so...

But yeah anyone who knows me (especially who knew me in college where I had a lot more control over what I ate and stuff) knows that I even do stuff like eating the same food for every meal every day for years and stuff soooo lmao. And maybe even this is a reason I don't like going places because I'm used to being at home and only going places at a certain time.

ANYWAY that was way too much introduction to the THING. One thing I'm particularly comfortable about is going to the laundromat every Wednesday morning, and then walking to the grocery while the clothes are washing because they're in the same strip mall thing.

BUT TODAY I LEARNED THE GROCERY IS CLOSING. And there was like... nothing in it. Like, just a bunch of candy (and tons and tons of Peeps). And everything was like 90% off. But there was nothing there anyway.

So uh this was stressful one because DIFFERENT and two because WHERE DO I GET FOOD NOW? It's the only grocery within walking distance, and the market is closed during the time I'm at the laundromat... I can go with my dad to the grocery if he goes on a weekday but it's really stressful not knowing what day it's going to be and sometimes he even goes on a day or at a time when I can't go soooo uh LOL JUST NO FOOD I GUESS. I guess I can start going to the market some time on like Tuesday afternoon or something idk...

ANYWAY so it was actually kinda fun in the empty grocery except the music was loud and the people cleaning up made some loud noises and I got scared lmao. But I did get some cherry jujus for only 15 cents!! And I had 54 cents so I was able to get three lol. I gave one box to my brother and going to give one to Dennis too.

So, I was needing to get groceries today but I couldn't, so I asked my brother if he would go to the market with me and he said no. So I went by myself. And like a fire truck came by and the noise about killed me, and then I got to the market and realized it was closed, even though I know it opens at 9, but I'm just... not used to being out walking around before 9.

So being in empty parking lot with like siren noises and SUDDENLY realizing my Wednesday grocery time will never come back and that I don't have any food kind of hit me all at once (uh plus I was not planning on walking this far and didn't wear a coat and was very cold) and I had a meltdown like... in this parking lot lmao. Well, I was able to get to the building and like... cry against the wall lol. It only lasted like... idk, 5 minutes, and then I walked back to laundro and no one could tell I had been crying because I was also just frozen so it looked like I was just super cold which I was.

Then I tried to drink coffee but I didn't want to touch the Styrofoam so I was like carrying with a napkin and drinking from a stir stick but I was trying not to look at the Styrofoam and I dropped it lololololol. But I was next to trash and I could feel it slipping so I like... leaned toward trash bin and dropped it in there. Then I didn't want to try to get another one. I actually drank a whole cup and that was my second one so yay?

Anyway, after dropping coffee and crying in a parking lot, I came home and somehow felt a lot better. Usually stuff like this would like... make me dead for a whole day but I still was able to exercise and play Imperial SaGa and work on the website a bit. I have less spoons than normal but like way more spoons than like... any other day that starts like that lmao. Also I still had a bit of food so I can still eat today and my dad said we could go to grocery tomorrow. But I was thinking of trying to start going to the grocery on like... Mondays? Like, replace my exercise that day with walking to the grocery lol and like... try to start buying more produce. Buying it on Thursday and not eating it til like Tuesday sounds like a bad idea. But the grocery is gone now so it doesn't matter so I'm going to just keep eating bologna every day lol. I have all this motivation to do actually make changes in my life but not the material wealth required to make those changes. And who knows how long this motivation will last and if it goes away when it will ever come back so LOL

But I'm feeling good for this moment so that's good LOL. And maybe by a stroke of luck someone will buy me tokimemo 3 limited edition XDDD *nudges everyone reading* and by that I mean I'm nudging no one lmaoooo

Oh yeah, in Imperial SaGa, I trained Old!Will and Tetis and they turned out pretty awesome. I also retrained Bear alongside, and he turned out good, too. I could have enjoyed a bit more Attack from Tetis but I'm still not unhappy. I've also crafted a lot of stuff, so I have enough Wisdom Pendants to outfit all my mages, and three Unparalleled Rings! I'd like to have like... at least five or six of those though. But even just having 3 is really nice.

I'm hoping Tetis will glimmer Grand Slam soon. I keep spamming the 9-star event quest (and GS is even a rank 9 art!) but it's a no-go. I sacrificed the promo Hawke I had (which had a Kobayashi art I'd never seen before?!) to give her a powered-up Shell Smash, which is pretty nice. I also cashed in all my meisei and had enough to get like 600 characters from it LOLOL but I dumped them all in the castle for medals and bought another mage robe thing and ... power suit... I don't remember the names of the armors really. WAIT, no, I bought the Vernie Suit thing, which I had none of. But it's the only armor that offers magic defense, so I think I'd like to have it for Bear.

Sadly this event is giving not very many of the ore things I need to upgrade all these armors -_-; And you can only get these ores from events and like... once this event is over the next like... several events will probably have the other kind of ores (there are 4 kinds of event ores), so like... I'll probably have to wait like 2 months before I can even collect these again :\ I do have most of my Powered Suits to +2, and I would really like to get the Witch Robe to +5 (it's at +4). And power up the Vernie Armor a couple times? But uhhhh don't have that much ore. I'd have to spam this event quest like nonstop to get enough...

Though I might spam it a lot because I really want to get the prize for 20,000 event points (or maybe it's 200,000 idk) but I'm over 3/4 of the way there, and the prize is a gold medal.

But yeah lol imsaga. I'm thirsty but all I have is water and I want like a soda or tea or something so bad XD I mean I have coffee and tea but I want a cold thing and I don't want to like make hot thing and ice it and alskdjfklasdjf just someone deliver me a Dr Pepper please. And TokiMemo3 Limited Edition. And like, a pizza or something. Er, no, I want like... curry XD

Hello friends.

Sooo I've been working on website and I have a really fast way of doing it now, and all I really have to do is essentially edit the rest of the entries -- all the images and everything are already ready to go, cropped, resized, converted to jpg... it's pretty much just c/p the diary entries and add tags while looking over it. I'm already into Armic's scenario so I'm almost done with unsaga (by 'done' I mean caught up) and then it will just be romasaga3 and sagasca which shouldn't be terribly long.

I think I started giving myself deadlines and stuff like 'I need to finish all this by the weekend' or whatever and the pressure made me kinda fall into depression again. It does not help that Thursday I decided for who knows what reason to look for a job, which is a super overwhelming and stressful thing to me, and by the end of the day I was poking at myself with a box knife saying if I just practice making little cuts I can work up slashing my whole wrist!!! But uh no it's way too scary I can't even like poke myself without freaking out lol.

The weekend was fine and I even did a Scary Thing and was ok (I went to craft store with Dens and it was crowded lol) and then today I have like absolutely no motivation at all and I think it's because I'm putting too much pressure on myself or sth, plus after Thursday I was putting pressure on myself not to be depressed again which... I guess was counterproductive lol. Thanks to Nans for pointing it out though lol. I was def weird on Friday because Dens kept asking me if I was okay, like "ARE YOU SURE YOURE OK" and stuff like... so many times lol. But I think I was just being like, super quiet and having trouble concentrating.

Anyway, after talking it over with Nans I feel a bit more optimistic and I'm going to not pressure myself and just go at my own pace with the website like I was, and talk to my therapist about jobs this week. When I went to my psychologist on Monday last week, he has to like... go over this list of stressors or something, so every time he asks me like... if there have been changes in my living situation, if I'm still happy with Dens, etc. and it ends with "Are you still unemployed?" and "Are you looking for a job?" And it makes me feel so worthless and embarrassed X_X I realize the reason he is asking is because those things are big stressors to people and like he has to monitor that but like... idk I just hate having it like... rubbed in my face? lol. Even though that's not what he's trying to do. I did get a grape lolli though.

I think sicne I've done nothing at all today and it's already 19:00 (and I got up around 9, so like... 10 hours of doing nothing at all) I might just play unsaga, because it's fun and it will kinad feel like progress since it goes toward content for the website. I think if I can resume the pace I was at before, I can actually catch up with all the play diaries by the end of the week, and maybe even start working on the programming tut.

Once I get the first lesson of the programming tut done, I think I'm going to actually pay for hosting and get the website online, and then try to add new content every week. I can easily do the editing and stuff when I'm around Dens, as well as playing games, so I'll probably do a lot of the initial writing while I'm at the apartment during the week, and publish new stuff over the weekend. I'll probably continue to post everything here first, but it will be like a 'rough draft,' and then the edited version will get posted to the website.

I might wait a bit to actually get the website up because -- well, not WAIT but rather it might take a bit longer because I think I'm going to program a thing that finds the most recent entries and everything for a front page, and maybe even program a blog. That probably sounds time-consuming but it actually would be pretty easy. I might create a like submission widget for myself so I can easily add new content without having to go and edit tables with SQL manually every time, but ... it really wouldn't be THAT convenient and I kinda like editing tables anyway. So I might just implement something like that if I really feel like I need it in the future.

Anyway, I've also been thinking about what I'm going to do next in unsaga and in the play diaries in general. I think once I get the website up, I'll finish up Armic and Mikhail scenarios, and then I'll start playing one tokimemo and one SaGa at a time. Three SaGas at a time was a bit... much hahaha. And I'll probably continue on with unsaga unless I get a huge hankering to play something else. Which recently I've really been wanting to play minsaga because I want to see Baldyhad again. And I've also really been wanting to get back into Scarlet Grace because it was really fun the first time and I'm excited to play another game.

But I also super love unsaga and am excited about playing through all seven scenarios and having a finished diary XD

In my next Scarlet Grace game, I'm going to be playing Urpina (that's what the comet gave me XD) and I'm going to try to focus on raising a team of 10 characters -- five guys and five gals. This way I can get the 'use a team of all men/women' bonuses more easily, plus I like having some substitute characters anyway. I think I have a better idea of how to really power up the party this time around so I won't fall behind like I did with Leo's party.

For unsaga, I think I'm going to do a 'no shopping' run with Laura. I considered trying to do the 'true' Weapon Collector's Challenge (no shopping, no repair, no martial panels) but I'm worried it will end up being too hard and turn into a chore to play. So I might just like, do that on my own, but not part of the play diaries.

And then with Judy I think I'm going to do a 'no weapons' run, where you just... can't equip anything in the two weapon slots. Basically the focus will be more on martial arts and magic arts.

I'm actually considering like... maybe some time in the future adding more challenge runs to the play diaries, like... even after clearing all 7 characters, like... just add some more 'bonus' diaries, like if I want to do additional challenge runs. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I just... don't want to play unsaga anymore?

I was also thinking of what I could do play diaries of besides SaGa and TokiMemo. The other three series in my main five are Harvest Moon, Mega Man, and Ys.

Harvest Moon... I think I could figure out a way to do a play diary of that, I think. I think more just making a diary of entire play sessions, rather than trying to like... make a day-by-day diary would be better. I might actually make the day-by-day diary just like... little notes of what I did each day, but as like... extra content?? I was even thinking of like... hand-writing it with little doodles to make it cute.

Mega Man is lol. It's not really... that kind of game. But before ever starting the play diary thing, I was planning on trying to do (segmented) no-damage runs of all the Mega Man games. So I could make a play diary about that specifically? That seems kinda fun. Because just clearing one stage takes a long time for that. And I could fill the entries with all kinds of Mega Man infodumping and roboperving XD

Ys... IDK. I guess when I think about it, they wouldn't make for bad play diaries, but at the same time, the game is 90% about the action. It's like Mega Man with more story lmao. So IDK what I'd do with those. Of my top 5 Ys is like... probably my least favorite hahaha. I mean it's still top 5 though.

I also kind of want to start doing more videos again... I'm considering when I do the Harvest Moon play diaries to like... also make videos of them as I do them? It will also help me like... remember what I did in the game to make the diaries lolol. Oh, that would be like... super cute if I like... recorded each day as its own thing and then like... recorded myself drawing the little diary part XD Actually that's a super cute idea... I hope I can remember it.

I was also considering doing play diaries of like... games similar to the top 5 in some way, like Bionic Commando which is a lot like Mega Man, and The Last Remnant which is a lot like SaGa, stuff like that. Shepherd's Crossing. And just anything I really feel like I'd like to make a play diary about. But I want to focus on the top 5, and especially SaGa and Tokimemo XD

And then I also thought of doing a like play diary series where I like... do something like... play every single NES game ever LOL. And like write about my experience with each. And I'd try to play them all to completion XD That would be fun.

Anyway, these are just like... ideas lmao. For now I'm just going to work on getting the site up, finishing unsaga, starting tokimemo, and getting back to the programming tuts.

Well, writing this made me feel a bit more motivated. I'mma go play a bit of Armic's scenario now though. Prol won't be enough to write an entry because I'm just going to be doing random already-written-about subadventures.

Oh I just remembered I need to like... do the Innocent Life diary too. LOLOL. Well, I might not include that in the launch of the website hahaha.

So once I got to where the images are on tumblr, it's actually a lot faster to edit the play diary posts... because the images are still in the posts! I can just save them all quickly and then rename them as I go a lot more easily, too. I've made a bunch of vim recordings that help me reformat various things, so overall it's going much faster. I could probably finish unsaga by the end of the weekend if I would actually work on it lolol.

But I suddenly got hit with a wave of demotivation. Or rather like... restless frustration? I'm like angry at life and don't want to do anything, and keep randomly worrying about things in the far future that I have no reason to worry about. I'm trryyyyiing not to but lol.

But yeah I might force myself to keep up editing the play diaries for the rest of the night since I don't have anything else to do anyway. I'm in Kurt's scenario now. I also played a little bit more of unsaga and have something great to add to that diary too~~

A new event started in imsaga and there's a promo Baldyhad *_* Of course, promo characters are way too weak for me to use them anymore, but it's still cool to get a Baldyhad~~

I have enough kr for two more big pulls, but I think I'm going to try to save them up again. There's really nice character with Rainbow chance tomorrow but... I think I'd rather save it for my favs or when they add unsaga stuff.

I've mastered some of the highest level roles now, and I have crafted two wisdom pendant things, which is awesome (it boosts magic like 15 or 20 or something *_*!)

I'm probably just going to grab the witch robe thing from the current event and that's it. Maybe I should like... try to run through the story a couple more times while I'm not doing much with events? Like, get some more stuff in my history. I think I have all the 7 and 8 star quests now. But I can S-Rank up to 9 star easily enough. There's probably some egg route quests I don't have. I don't think I'm really up to trying the cube route yet... I think the very first quest in it is like 10 or 11-star?! I can clear up to 12 stars but they are hard. And if the first quests are that high, I probably would get stuck somewhere...

But yeah seeing Baldyhad makes me wanna play Minstrel Song D:

ETA: lol forgot I disabled auto-formatting for the sake of writing the last romasaga3 entry. Actually maybe I'll work on those. I have one more of those to write, and a couple unsaga entries to write, too.

Well I went to the doctor and after explaining some random things they said it's probably related to asthma (which I have but it doesn't cause me a lot of problems anymore) because recently I had a cold with a lot of coughing plus I've been exercising more and my lungs are like angry or something. I got an inhaler, and now I have a new type of Welbutrin (same dosage, just I only have to take one a day instead of two throughout the day). So uh yay fun.

I finished editing all of Ruby's scenario for the play diary website~~ It will probably take me a few weeks to catch up to everything though X_X I'm kinda tired of editing them because I've been like... doing it nonstop for like 4 or 5 days now. Well, I don't mind doing it, really, but it's annoying to go find all the images again. I used to only upload the ones I was going to use onto FB but now I've gotten to the point where I was just dumping the entire collection of screenshots I made, so I have to read the entry and go try to find which picture goes with it, and like... THAT is not fun lol.

Once I get to where I started uploading to Tumblr, it will be ... another set of problems, namely finding the correct tumblr posts, but at least it will be back to only uploading the images I used.

But I think for today I might actually write the next posts in Armic and Mikhail's tales. I can just disable auto-formatting here on DW and format them the way I want to use them on my site... and while I'm selecting pics, I can just move the ones I want to use to the site's folders already, and then upload them to tumblr from there (since I'm still not actually hosting the site yet, I gotta upload the pics elsewhere XD)

Then editing the post will simply be a matter of swapping the URLs for the images. Actually, I could even write the post for the site first, and swap the urls for DW, so I'd basically get both done right away.

If I finish these posts early enough, maybe I will play a bit more unsaga. But I've been going to bed super early so I'll probably end up sleeping afterward.

I counted walking to the doctor as my exercise today (it was like... over an hour of walking XD) and yesterday I like... couldn't bring myself to do it so I reallllyyyy gotta make sure I do it properly tomorrow.

All my journal titles are like "things" and "woo" and "stuff" lol.

Anyway, went to the doctor today, as in Dr Nolan, and like... I'm kind of tired of everyone taking my situation so seriously even though... they are doing so... because it's serious LOL but I guess rather I just hate hearing "Well, with the severity of your symptoms..." or whatever because it feels bad lolol.

Anyway, I don't have to go for another 2 months and got a grape lolli. Also he was really nice and I like Dr Nolan a lot.

I also stopped by Dr Marlin's office (they are in the same building, like, across the hall from each other) to make an appointment because I've been having a tightness in my chest for like... 2 weeks lolol. And they were like uhhhh you should come sooner and I'm like yeah but telephone. Anyway they got me an appointment with a nurse practitioner tomorrow since I wouldn't be able to see Dr Marlin herself for over a week. I really don't want to go to the doctor two days in a row but X_X;;;

I super don't feel like doing anything today, like, not even playing games or anything. I've been exercising every day but I didn't today oops. And then I still haven't done KA today, even though I'm looking forward to the next section in calculus. I barely even was able to eat. Doing things is so exhausting?

I feel like I have like very limited jutsu points and going to the dr or whatever is like a special jutsu that uses all my remaining points no matter their level, and I can't get any more until I sleep overnight lolol. Except I always die at the end of the battles so I never get jutsu power up anyway.

I made some coffee but now I'm like afraid to leave my room to do anything else lolol. But it's cold now and I would like to pour it over ice and maybe put some vanilla cream stuff in it.

Me at doctor's appointment: Yes, I am doing very well and becoming more capable of managing my anxieties and stuff. Not really thinking about dying and stuff.

Me like literally 10 mintues later: I want to die and I am never leaving my room again and everything is scary literally everything.

SOOOO If you're wondering why I haven't been uploading play diaries (haha jk no one is wondering that) it's because I forgot my controller over the weekend (I think I mentioned that?) and indeed started working on my website, which now I've become absorbed in that. A lot of the "work" so far has been learning and understanding as I've never really built a website before and I had no idea how DBMS worked or how to use PHP or CSS or anything and the extent of my HTML knowledge came from like... using lj.

So I'm moving along kinda slowly but I'm getting the hang of it. Learning exactly how databases worked and how to connect to a database server with PHP was like... the biggest hurdle I had to overcome, because I literally knew NOTHING about this subject and didn't even really know what I was supposed to be looking for.

But once I figured that part out, it's been moving pretty slowly.

I'm going to keep working on this and then migrate the play diaries over there, once I've finished it and found a way to host it. I'll also be able to host the images so there will be no more broken images, and everything will look and be organized so much nicer.

But then since I'll have the website up and working (and honestly doing the play diaries first is a good way to learn my way around all this tech before trying to make my tutorial site) I'll of course want to start working on the tutorials lol so I'll probably end up slowing down play diaries to work on tuts.

I think what I'll do is go to doing only one play diary at a time. I'll probably alternate between doing SaGa and TokiMemo plays. So I'll finish up unsaga very soon (I have enough caps and progress for another entry... I actually could probably go to the end right now, but something cool happened and it makes me want to power up the party even more XD)...

Then I'll only have RSG3 to work on, and I'll start alternating after that (so, tokimemo after rsg3, then probably another scarlet grace run or maybe unsaga again, cuz I kinda wanna finish all the scenarios XD). I actually have enough content for another RSG3 entry, too, lol.

Though I'm not going to work on this now, I kinda want to create an unsaga fansite, or maybe like an entire SaGa series fansite. Something like Serebii but for SaGa XD I appreciate the SaGa wiki but I want to be able to do more with it and not have it be on wikia and etc. But yeah XD

For now, working on website. Once I get the 'base' down, it will just be a matter of migrating all the entries. That's going to take a long time because I will 1. have to reformat each entry individually and 2. have to find all the images that broke so I can reinsert them. Though while I'm "reformatting" (which will be pretty easy) I'm going to also try to maybe fix some typos and grammar errors and stuff as I go... so that will take a while. I may even touch them up a little (like... fix paragraphing issues and stuff idk XD) just because it will bug me not to do it as I reread them looking for typos and stuff XD

So it will probably easily be a couple weeks before I get back to doing play diaries...? I don't want to create MORE reformatting work for myself by creating more entries right now XD Though I do kinda miss playing the games XDD So IDK exactly what I will do. I mean, I guess I can keep playing and just not make new posts LOL. But I don't want to like... have tons of screenshots and not remember what happened?

Anyway, that's what's happening with me lol. I also started trying to exercise... today was day 2. I have some other 'life improvements' as recommended by my therapist but uhhh they are hard LOL (it's like, facing your fears kind of things lol)

But exercising puts me in a better mood which makes me more likely to be able to do those things, so it's good. And even though it's minor stuff that most people wouldn't view as any kind of accomplishment whatsoever, I actually have been trying to confront things that make me anxious and force myself to do things even though I feel afraid to do them, like uh... leaving other people are in the apartment (as in, like, chancing interactions with people LOL)

Also I've told a couple people about my autism diagnosis and most people like get weird about it like they aren't sure how they're supposed to react?? Like... I think that people don't know like... if they're supposed to feel bad or something because I think people don't really understand what autism is lol.

But uh personally I am happy to have the diagnosis because knowing I am autistic is a lot more helpful than wondering if I am -- basically all being autistic means is just that I experience the world differently from non-autistic people, and knowing this means I can better tailor my self-care and how I relate to others because I can better understand what kinds of special needs and circumstances I have.

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with autistic people in general, no matter how it manifests, and I don't think it's really something that should hold people back or whatever -- though I think we live in a society that only values neurotypical people, so most problems autistic people face are problems caused by a lack of understanding or compassion from others, stigmatization, and trying to use goods, services, etc. that are created specifically for allistic people rather than the actual neurological differences themselves. Like when a left-handed person is injured from using a tool only designed for right-handed people, it is not because the person is ~afflicted~ with a ~left-handed disorder~ that makes them like... some broken subhuman that is less than a right-handed person... it just means that the design of the tool is flawed because it doesn't take into the account that not all people are the same.

Of course, there are some harmful things that autistic people can do to themselves or others, but not any more or less than harmful things allistic people may do to themselves or others, so... honestly autistic people are just different, and that's really it. It's just... a different kind of person to be. Just like speaking a different language and coming from different culutres or something, it just changes the way you communicate and experience the world, but it doesn't make you any less of a person or anything? And it's not really something to be pitied or whatever, it's just... being different.

But yeah I felt like this long before even realizing I might be autistic so I'm not just like... saying it because I got a diagnosis or something lol. And because I felt this way I was kind of shocked that other people seemed uncomfortable or pitying when I said I was diagnosed, though I guess I honestly should not be surprised because of the aforementioned stigma...

Um, in other news, this guy who I already forgot his name has been cast as the new Trek captain. I appreciate that it's an older man with a rectangle head but I'm sad that he's very ... British-looking and bald-faced. Though he is still quite handsome and I like his thin lips lmao.

OK I have rambled enough. Back to dev.

So, I had my second therapy session today. It went really well. I actually like therapy even though I get super anxious about it, but that's the reason I'm there anyway, so...

I got an autism diagnosis today, too. So now I don't have to worry about that anymore lol. Also I got various anxiety techniques and perspectives... IDK, I don't really want to go into it too much lmao.

I'm getting pretty close to finishing Armic's scenario in unsaga. I'm not sure how I want to do the upcoming posts. I think instead of doing a 'subadventures digest,' I might just highlight one or two interesting subadventures and then just kind of gloss over the most important things that happened. Because in a lot, nothing particularly interesting happens, and we've already covered all of these adventures in more detail before.

Knight's Mausoleum is one that I haven't gone over yet, and I really want to. That might really be the only 'big' one left before the final adventure.

But yeah Armic has not only achieved but surpassed the role I was trying to go for with Kurt and Mythe before, so I'm really excited about that. He's a little magical powerhouse.

I've also been playing a bit of RSG3. But not enough to write a post yet.

I got all my grinding done in imsaga though XD And even raised Boston. Oh yeah, I wanted to upload a pic about that.

( imsaga ramblings )

life update time I guess!!!!

I don't remember when I last really talked about life things but I started therapy two weeks ago and I have to go again tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it because I was a wreck last time, because I had a Hell Week and that was like... the end of it. So I just kind of stared at the floor and nodded a lot lololol.

Anyway, after I got home from that I just passed out and slept for like 17 hours or something. Then I kind of had a cold for like ... 1.5 weeks, and I think I still kinda have it, and then this past weekend was actually very nice. I was feeling like... super confident and happy which is like a thing I never feel??? But uh I'm back to feeling bad again but probably because I am anxious about the thing.

I want to try to bring up autism this time but I don't want to get like immediately dismissed again lol. But I think up until this point I've been getting dismissed because like... this is really the kind of thing I should talk to my therapist about??

I feel like I've already said all this here?

Also I'm thirsty.

I'm still moving along in Armic's scenario. I've gotten three L4 tablets this playthrough, which is ridiculous. Sadly, two of them were not helpful...

I started another SCARLET GRACE run but I think I'm going to restart. I accidentally like... advanced the story and can't go back,a nd there was a lot of stuff I still wanted to do... plus IDK if I really want to start another game right now. I mean, I do, but I also want to work on some other stuff and not be wrapped up in this XD

I don't feel like doing anything today though T_T Except for worrying lmao.

Which I guess is why I'm writing this because I can't bring myself to do anything else X_X

Sooooo this week has been pretty bad but not bad just like... I'm so exhausted now.

On Monday I had appointment with new psychologist. He is a nice guy and I was very comfortable with him. He doesn't make eye contact and is pretty blunt and those things are easy for me lmao. He also looks like egg (in cute way). I think I talked about this already because I remember saying the egg thing.

Then on Tuesday I had to make a phone call which as always is like an ALL DAY EVENT and is bad.

The phone call I made on Tuesday was for a thing I had to do on Wednesday -- well, I didn't have to do it on Wednesday, but I knew I would just worry about it until I did it, and I was already at the laundromat (at like 6AM so there was no one there) and I was already awake and able and stuff and idk it was just a very good opportunity so I just made myself do it, which was VERY HARD but I did it.

Anyway, the Wednesday thing was getting registered for therapy and getting a psych evaluation and this place -- it's this place that I wasn't very comfortable about before because their website refers to patients as "clients" and they have testimonials, and they seem like ridiculously focused on like... making the "clients" get jobs. Like if you hid the name you would 100% think it was an employment agency...

Anyway, so I felt like that is not really a proper environment for getting better because I was worried they'd like... just push for you to work and try to find ways for you to work and not focus on like... the actual problems you're having?

But uh it actually wasn't like that but uhhh the website still gives me that feeling and I still don't like how they call patients "clients" (they do this in the facility too??) but when I actually went there they were like... not all about jobs lol.

Anyway, on the like... paperwork they had a like 'assigned sex' and 'gender expression' part so that was cool. The gender expression had like... male and female and then like a blank so I wrote nonbinary in the blank, idk if that is what it was for so *shrug*

OK so let me tell the story about the place though.

When I went in, the person on the phone had told me I'd need to go to a desk that's immediately on the right. And I knew I had to talk to 'access services' or something. And when I got in there, there was a desk to the right called 'access services' and there was no one there. So I figured I'd just wait for someone to come.

Well, this wasn't the desk I was supposed to go to and no one even uses that desk I guess??? So I was just standing around for like 20 min lol ;;;; and uh there were a lot of people in there.

While I was standing there a guy came up to me and asked me if I liked the Colts, then asked me if I was bipolar. When I said I was here about anxiety he apologized because he might be scaring me and told me he loved me (but he wasn't IN love with me lol) and that everything would be okay.

I said thanks lol.

Anyway that made me about die and then I finally went to one of the check-in windows (but I had to wait until everyone in the building was sitting down, which took a while LOL) and asked them what I was supposed to do and they were like uh you were just supposed to come here lol X_X

Anyway, so then I did the paperwork and like, part of it is a little survey like "do u want 2 b ded" and stuff and like, then I had to go to some office with this woman who like... entered it all in the computer... but I was like... not filling out the rest while she was asking me questions and like she thought I needed help and I was trying to explain that like... I just can't switch tasks like that like I can either answer her questions or do the paperwork but not both lol. But I was like so nervous that nothing I said made much sense.

Anyway I finally communicated and she like said she wouldn't ask any more after she finished all her things and let me finish in my own time so I finished it. And then like... I had to get a psych eval but they were already booked for the day, and were going to like... idk, tell me when to come back (like you have to get a walk-in psych eval before you can get an appointment with a therapist here, even tho I like... had a doctor's referral for therapy lmao)

Anyway, like... after looking over my like paperwork the paperwork lady like... called someone on the phone and was like "I have a high-risk client in here and need a doctor" lmao so I guess they like... didn't want me to leave until like... a doctor like calmed me down and told me who to call for suicide or whatever lmaoooo. And I was like hahah yeah I don't use phone. Except I didn't say it to them I just let them talk to me. And when the Dr came in I like... couldn't even introduce myself properly and they were like 'okay let's just calm down don't worry' etc lmao

Anyway like as all this was going on someone came in and was like "hey we have an opening suddenly" and the people were like "oh good thank goodness he needs it" LIKE IDK IT WAS KINDA WEIRD THEY WERE SAYING THIS STUFF IN FRONT OF ME LOL?? But uh like tbh it was kind of nice bc like... people were actually like... taking me seriously and caring??? And uh yeah idk that doesn't happen much LOL

(For the record Dens cares a lot but I also hide a lot from him bc I feel ashamed or anxious about telling him or whatever.)

Anyway, so then I got to have psych eval but they told me I'd have to wait 40 minutes. So I tried to play Scarlet Grace in the lobby but I couldn't concentrate on it and more just like... held my Vita and stared at the floor. And then like, some angry mother was running to all the different clerks and windows and yelling "this is bullshit" because like... she couldn't pick up her daughter's medication when 1. it wasn't her medication to pick up and 2. they aren't even her daughter's pharmacy so even the daughter wouldn't be able to pick it up there because they just literally didn't have it. And while she was yelling at all the staff she was also on the phone and yelling at someone about buying windows or something.

SO I WAS LIKE DYING LOL. But then like she finally went away and like, these two Korean guys came and sat next to me and were speaking Korean and I was like... trying to understand (uh, not to eavesdrop, but to test my Korean -- I couldn't understand enough to eavesdrop anyway LOL) so I could like, focus on that. But uh they were also filling out paperwork but like... one guy was translating it for the other guy but there was some stuff neither of them knew so they like... couldn't fill it out and said they had to come back later when they could like... bring someone who could understand it all and I felt bad for them.

Anyway then the psych eval person came and got me and she was extremely nice and comforting and easy to talk to so that was good, and I often didn't understand questions and had to ask for clarification or like... have her repeat it a lot and she was very patient so yay.

But yeah they ask like a million really specific questions and like... at the end like... give you a list of everything that's wrong with you LMAO. And like, it was pretty much the same list that Dr Nolan gave me on Monday so yay? Also they were like... telling me I have a history of trauma LOLL and I was like ummm are you sure LOL. And they were like uhhhh yeah.

Anyway then like she called someone on the phone to like... set up my first appointment, and like the whole purpose of the eval and everything is so like... they can set you up with a therapist who like... fits you. And like... she was just like "Yeah just give me anyone. I just need a name." And at some point she answered a question with "Male." And I was like UH MY THING SAYS NONBINARY AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T SAY A PREFERENCE FOR MALE THERAPIST (in my head).

Anyway they got me an appointment for the very next day. And she like... asked me if it was okay, and that I could get one later if I wanted like... I guess realizing that's pretty sudden. And I was like no it's fine. Even though I really didn't want to because this was three days in a row doing terrifying things but I was anxious and like didn't say that but also I'm glad I didn't because like... I would have just been terrified for an entire week or more or whatever.

Anyway, so that was that and I had an appointment and went home lol.

Then so yesterday I had to go to therapy. My therapist's name is Val and he's like... an old beardly guy which is cool I guess. But I was like scared the whole time and like staring at the floor and like... trying to make eye contact sometimes but it was hard and like... for a while I think he thought I wasn't listening because I wasn't making eye contact but he didn't ask or say anything just like... would kind of stare at me for a while like... as if waiting for me to respond??? So I started like nodding my head the whole time lol.

Anyway he told me helpful things and it was actually very good (also he said I have history of trauma so uh LOL) but I was like scared the whole time and I think I made him annoyed or something lol. Also at this place they like... walk you everywhere like they don't like just tell you were to go they like... walk with you. Which is good and I like that because I hate walking around places I don't know.

Anyway now I will be going to therapy bi-weekly yay??? Hopefully I won't be so messed up next time and can actually like communicate properly lol. I also was like... mumbling or talking softly a lot I guess and he had to keep asking me to repeat everything loooollllll

Also for some reason we talked about my YouTube channel and Five Nights at Freddy's LOLLLL Well because I was talking about Clock Tower (The First Fear) because I said it had a phone sound in it and I couldn't deal with it and stopped playing XDDD And uh then he said his like grandson plays FNAF or something and I said that game triggers my anxiety and I can't play it but I think it's well-designed LOL. Except I don't remember why we talked about YouTube.

Oh yeah because he asked me what my days were like, like what a typical day was like and I was like... I wake up and feel bad a lot LOLLL. And I said that I eat and like... recently I've been writing these play diaries and then explained them and he asked if other people read them and I was like... uh at least one LOL and then mentioned my YT channel and said lots of people watched it lol idk.

ANYWAY so after all this was over I had had like... four days of things that are very hard for me to do and I was like... so exhausted and like... could barely even stand up and like... even sitting up was hard and I was like "Well, maybe I'll lay in bed and play Scarlet Grace and if I get sleepy I can take a nap."

I pretty much immediately fell asleep (I didn't even finish a battle in SG lol) and then slept for 14 hours straight and then when I woke up I felt even more tired and more exhausted and like... it was a struggle to move like... all my muscles felt weak.

I had corn flakes because I realized I hadn't eaten in a long time since I was sleeping for so long, and it was so hard just to like... pour them and eat them because my body felt so weak that after eating I just kind of like... tumbled to the floor and laid there for like... a couple more hours.

Then I finally got up and like... didn't have the energy to shower even though I was going to see Dens and was like super gross but I just... couldn't. So I like... just kind of sat around until he came and like. Things started feeling very surreal and I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or if this was real life or what.

Dens came and I went to his car and started to feel a lot better and like... explained to him how exhausted I was and he even said like... he realizes therapy is a private thing and won't ask about it but I am free to tell him anything LOL because he's usually very nosy about everything and will ask a ton of things and I die. So I was really happy about that and I told him some stuff and like... when I told him they said I had trauma he was like 'Yeah I don't think your childhood was good' and I was like wtf wtf and then earlier I had told my brother that they said that and he said 'I could have told you that' so I guess everyone else thinks I had a traumatic childhood and I just thought it was normal????????

Anyway we went to buffet and I like was ridic hungry and ate like 4 plates of food and two desserts lmao and then felt kinda sick and then we went to grocery and it was like... scary but I was also like... too tired to be anxious or something and got through it. Like, things were still feeling kind of surreal.

Then we got back to Dens place and I just lounged in chair and played Imperial SaGa lazily while Dens did coloring and talked to me and I started to feel a lot better over time. Then I like made up an excuse of why I wanted to take a shower because I was like... idk too ashamed to say I was just too exhausted even though I'm sure he would have understood and been fine with it lol. So then I took shower and after that I felt a lot better. I'm still kinda tired now but like I don't feel like super fatigued like I did for most of the day.

Anyway probably the most helpful thing (well, it seems helpful at least) that my therapist told me was a way to deal with getting anxious about getting anxious is just to accept it's going ot happen and think of how you don't really have to wait that long until it's over like... IDK it's hard to describe in words because he used example but like...

Basically you wake up feeling anxious for no reason and ofc that makes you more anxious and you're like omfg here we go is this going to be all day? Am I going to fail at everything? Will I even eat?

But instead of like... thinking like that just like... say to yourself like... okay these things usually last like half a day so we only have like 6 hr left I've done this a million times.

And like each time it seems to really bother you just kind of think about it like that. And like, IDK, I really think that might be helpful. Because sometimes I am actually able to "trick" myself into doing things by like... telling myself I don't actually have a problem and I'm just a faker. Of course it's a lie and I know it but like... this is actually not a lie and like... I really do have tons of experience getting through anxiety days so like... I think it might be helpful. I don't think it will just solve the problem of course, but like... I like the sound of it at least. Basically he told me a few like... self-care/coping things like that, and he had to like... redo parts of my psych eval because the person who did it before used like the wrong software or sth (idk).

I also wanted to bring up autism because I feel like it's always abrupt and people are just like 'uh no.' Actually when I talked to the psych eval person she was like... well I can't really say if you have it but that's a good thing to ask your therapist about. And I told her I have like sensory issues and stuff and like... no one things I can possibly be autistic because I like... am decent at having a conversation. Even though like I'm really not and I've just practiced a lot and have a lot of scripts lol. But yeah she said I had good points and should ask so I think I will ask next time maybe. Especially since like... my doctors have like... specifically wanted to focus on anxiety and were "ok one thing at a time" or w/e when I tried to bring it up but during the therapy session after the beginning stuff he just like... asked me what I wanted to work on and I was like IDK I CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS. But eventually I just said I want to be able to be alive without being scared all the time lol. And so he talked about anxiety stuff like... so I'm kinda happy about having a therapist like... it seems a lot more useful than a regular doctor or w/e. I mean, for this type of thing. Having regular doctors are useful for their own things and I'm not saying like Dr Marlin and Dr Nolan are useless; they've both been very helpful and useful and nice to me, I just mean like... there are things that you need therapy for and can't really get that from regular doctor lol.

Anyway so that was my exciting week and I still feel worn out but at least I don't feel like DEAD anymore. And I keep having like little bouts of anxiety but I think my brain is even like... too tired to be anxious and like gives up. So I'm doing a lot of just like... spacing out or doing mindless stuff like Imperial SaGa. But I keep like messing up and using wrong attacks and stuff oops.

Oh also like my ears are weird today like... how they feel when you're in an airplane?

Uh minor game updates tho:

The new imsaga event is like... Monster Hunter theme and they have like... all the SaGa Frontier protags in like... Monster Hunter cosplay and they're kinda cute. I'm tempted to try for the Lute one bc he would suit my team well but I'm not like super into Lute (I do like him a lot but there are charas I like way more that I could potentially get later) and I want to try saving my krowns for when there's finally unsaga content.

Anyway the event is like super easy so I can clear the 9-star without taking damage like... 90% of the time. If I get bad luck with accuracy sometimes I get hit but it's NBD.

In unsaga I like... literally stopped playing in the middle of an adventure because I got anxious or tired or something (or both) so uhhhh I hope I can remember what I was doing. I just used a save state instead of using a quicksave so I can just load my last normal save if I want to.

In sagasca I've been playing a TON but like... it's this extremely tedious quest where you have to like... fight like 50 battles in a row. I'm probably just doing it wrong (it's the ice cap/polar bear thing). I actually think I got past the ice cap part because I made 3 snowmen and I think there's only supposed to be three.

Some people have been revealing the mechanics of certain things on the GameFAQs board to answer ppl's questions (and a few people already have the guidebook) and like... I keep reading it even though I don't want to know everything just yet but like... some of the way mechanics work in this game seem disappointing like... the way glimmers work is really dumb. The magic-learning system was weird at first, but I like it overall.

Actually I say the way glimmers work is dumb but in Rogue Nightmare I was literally going to make a glimmer-like mechanic for learning skills and like... it was going to be exactly like what Scarlet Grace's is pretty much LOLOL. Not exactly, but very similar, in the same way that I'm complaining about so... XD

But basically each character keeps a hidden count of how much BP they've used with each weapon, and then your chance of glimmering is that divided by a certain 'threshold.' So like the first one is 40, so if on your first turn using that character, who has glimmered 0 things for that weapon, and you use a weapon art that costs 2 BP, their chance of glimmering will be 2/40, or 5%. But this also means once you've used 40 BP you're guaranteed a glimmer. And what you glimmer is just completely random -- like you'll just randomly get something from that item's glimmer set lol. But uh once you have glimmered 6 arts or more for a weapon the threshold is freaking huge like.. 10,500 or something. Which means it's ridiculously difficult to glimmer even the weakest most basic arts if you haven't yet.

In Rogue Nightmare I was going to do something very similar, with each weapon skill having a 'level' threshold, and it would be related to your skill level with that weapon. So as you use the weapon, you have a chance of learning the skill early, but once you get to the appropriate level, you'll definitely learn it. But in that game your levels restart to 0 every time you re-enter the dungeon, so it's more a reward for being able to last long enough. You can't really grind in that kind of game. (Once you learn a skill, though, you keep it permanently, even between nightmares.)

I think HP might max at 999 in this game (it does in other SaGa games, and there's no more 'space' for digits other than 3 in the display) and my characters are passing 700 HP. So I think I'm getting kind of far. In unsaga it's normal to have 500-600 HP at the end of the game.

I've also noticed that characters grow more the further they are in strength from the enemy or the party. I actually think in this game, there is a hidden "party level" to assess the party's overall strength. But like, I'll use the same five characters a ton in a row and they'll be growing like... 2-5 HP at the most per battle, some not even growing, and then I'll sub in characters with lower endurance but just generally weaker/underused and they'll be jumping like 10-20 HP every battle.

So you can have characters 'catch up' if you get them late in the game or whatever.

Though the hardest thing seems to be catching them up with arts. Like the new mustache guy I got, because he just got arts new, he still hasn't Ranked them Up much yet so there's things that other characters can do with 1BP that costs him 3BP... it's kind of annoying. It makes him seem super weak compared to others. I'm slowly getting him there, though. But meanwhile everyone else is still powering up and moving ahead of him, so idk...

Anyway I'm super tired and gonna head to bed. I've been meaning to for a while but keep saying I need to finish this entry but then keep like getting distracted lolol.

Soooo I went to the doctor yayyyyy. He is nice and comfortable so that is good.

I was super nervous though and like could barely talk. Even though I didn't really have a reason to be. But I'll be better next time?

I got a like... paper with my next appointment but it also had like... a list of various information like my weight and blood pressure, and even had a list of the things I'm officially diagnosed with. It actually seems really scary when you read it but I don't think it's so bad?? There are five things lol X_X but I feel like three of them are just saying "depression" in various ways. But they say things like "severe" and stuff on them lolol. And then anxiety and panic disorders which were the only things I was really sure of. Maho Aikawa has panic disorder, too, lol. Recently she was diagnosed with it and had to stop her activities with ANGERME for a while to undergo treatment, and she says she wants to try to continue her activities with ANGERME to be an inspiration for people with anxiety disorders, and I thought that was really cool (and honestly inspiring) so I really hope that she does end up able to come back. But I know how hard these things can be so...

I tried to talk about autism but Dr Nolan kind of just ... went past it, like a 'let's focus on this for now' kind of thing, which was fine. Like, Dr Marlin was just like "no ur not" like immediately without hearing me out. But since a anxiety and autism are comorbid and a lot of symptoms can be attributed to both or either, I think it's fine to like... try to 'work out' anxiety stuff a bit first. Like, I'm just glad he wasn't like... dismissive about it.

Also I got a grape sucker. Also I tried to initiate small talk twice. Err, once. Once someone said something to herself and I thought she was talking to me and I said 'what' and she said she was talking to herself but then started talking to me anyway. She told me she hates the scales in the doctor's office because they always say she's heavier LOL. She said that she feels like she's lost weight and other people tell her she looks thinner and her pants are looser now. I said maybe you grew some muscle mass. She said she doesn't grow muscle sitting on her ass all day. Then she said something about the weather and I said it feels like spring now even though it's winter and I was proud of myself for being able to say that LOL

And then when I was at the check out thing at the office there was a box of lollipops and I just like... whispered loudly at the box "DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAPE?" and the clerk was like I think there's one in there and then I said 'I had grape jelly for breakfast' but she didn't respond so that was my failed smalltalk attempt today LOL. But I was feeling kind of good after the appointment was over.

Anyway, Dr Nolan isn't a therapist but referred me to one but then I found out that the reason I haven't been able to get a therapist yet is because they don't take my insurance at the place I've been referred to but no one told me this??? I was just waiting for them to contact me lol.

So now I have to call this other place, and I don't feel comfortable about this place. It's the place that next to the apartment (like, our parking lots touch lmao) so it's convenient but like their website creeps me out and I feel like all they do is try to force you to get jobs and like they have testimonials (why does a hospital have testimonials lol) that are like I WORK 3 JOBS NOW! WORK WORK WORK! and all the testimonials are about how much they are doing work????? It's super weird and uncomfortable. But I guess I need to at least try it especially since this is the only place that will take Medicaid for therapy anyway lol.

Anyway I got increased meds again lolol soon I will be on like MAX PROZAC or something. But I don't have to take the giant Prozac anymore, but now have to take like three little ones. I don't know what is worse honestly... and I have to take two of the green things like at different times of the day and I don't want tooooooo. Also I got like a thing I can take just as needed, like a thing that helps if I'm already having anxiety day or something, which is good, I think that will be helpful... Maybe I'll try it when I have to use the phone lmfao.

I kind of want to play unsaga because I'm so close to finishing Kurt's scenario but like... I'm just so exhausted from today. Not only did I go to the doctor, but I went to the pharmacy and the grocery, too (they're both on the way on the walk home). At the grocery, though, there was some kind of problem and the manager had to come up and start ringing people up. This happens a lot and I'm glad because he's gorgeous and has a lovely mustache and cute nose. So I at least got to look at him a little lol. But I was ready to die by the time I left lol. I need to shower too after all that walking but like.... uuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

I wish there was like... a service you could use to like... have other people call things for you when you need to make calls. That would be great.

I was just playing Scarlet Grace and I like... ignored doing something in the game because I didn't want to do stuff out of order because it makes for bad play diary.

But I don't think I should be doing that... XD I mean, it's fine for games I've played tons of times before, but this is my first time playing the game and I want to just experience it how I experience it XD So I'll probably not do that in the future, play diary be damned. I've already written some messed up random entries because I was running all over the place in the game, so...

So much stuff has happened in this game. I feel like I've seen enough content to fill an entire game but I just keep discovering more and more stuff to do. This is the game they should have called "unlimited" hahaha.

Speaking of that game, though, Kurt's scenario is getting close to the end. I don't know if I'm going to keep going past the final story event and clear all the subadventures or whatever. I think I might just go to the end once I feel the party is good enough (I feel like they're pretty close anyway). But I should be able to finish it in a couple more play sessions. But probably longer, because I think I'm going to split the save file just before the final story progression event happens and go to the final boss from there, and then go back and go on and go to the final boss again... so I have to beat it twice lmao. But I want to show the difference in the story paths, because it's only the final adventure that is different.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, with the psych. I am scared lol. I really shouldn't be, though. But you know, that's how it works. I don't know what they are going to want me to say and stuff. And I'm not good at saying stuff on my own. I'm not really good at answering questions in general. I guess this is a thing other people can do, but when people ask me "what do you think about..." or "how do you feel about..." I don't really understand what these questions mean. I don't know what kind of answer I'm supposed to be giving.

Like, it's not that I'm afraid to be honest or open it's that I literally can't understand the question. Like what does it mean to say what you "think about something" ?? I don't get it. I don't just have some kind of single thought about it? I mean, the amount of thoughts I could give it are theoretically infinite? What do you say? What kind of thought? Whenever I try to ask people though, they just get mad lol. It's even worse with how I "feel" because I usually feel nothing or it's just as endless and complex as how I "think" about it so...

But that's the kinds of things doctors ask you lmao.

I'm also afraid to like... bring up autism because my regular doctor like... dismissed it so quickly. It makes it intimidating. But the guy I'm seeing apparently works with autistic people, so... maybe he will be more understanding and helpful about it.

Also yesterday Dennis said he was worried he may have been coming down with a flu or something, because he had a headache and was feeling a bit nauseous. I said that I was feeling those things, too, but I figured it was just anxiety. He asked me why I was feeling anxious and I said "because I have an anxiety disorder." And after I said it I suddenly felt scared because I realized it was a thing that sounded sarcastic or smart-ass or whatever, even though it wasn't meant to be. It was just the answer to what I was asked. And I was really afraid he was going to get mad or whatever.

But he actually gave me a hug and asked what he could do. And I just kind of talked about it a little, even though talking doesn't really help, but more just to help him understand since he was willing to listen. And it was nice. Anxiety + relationship is surprisingly a difficult thing.

You would think that it would just be natural for people who love each other to just... accept these kinds of things and be helpful but. It's not so easy. It's hard for someone without a problem like this to really understand what it's like. And when people can't relate to stuff, they tend to feel like other people are wrong or making it up or something. Plus having anxiety all the time and being unable to do basic things like get out of bed or go to the grocery or have a conversation is really taxing on the other person. It messes with their day. It is frustrating and confusing. And that wears on people over time. It's easy for them to get frustrated, bottle it up for a while until they're really upset about it. They start holding it against you, thinking that you're being selfish.

It's not just Dennis -- this is how everyone reacts lol. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I was selfish or asked why I can't think of others because I was mentally incapable of doing something, beyond my control. And I already felt bad that I was letting other people down or inconveniencing others or whatever and having them blame me to my face only makes that worse.

But that is kind of just my life lolol.

Uh the main reason I said that though is because I really appreciate Dennis a lot because he really does try hard. And there have been times that he has made mistakes or gotten frustrated or I didn't communicate myself properly and I was upset with him about these things, and I tend to rant about that a lot, but I don't talk as much about how much I can really tell he tries a lot and really wants to be supportive.

Anyway I wrote myself an email called "why you are broken" lol. So I can look at it in the appointment and have things to say.

I guess I will write about it here in more detail, mostly to organize my thoughts, but if you want to know what my struggles are like, I guess you can read it XD

I'm not going to cover everything that was in the email, like I just made a list of physical symptoms like headache and stuff, but I don't think that's really something I need to work out thoughts on. I know what headache is.

( Read more... )

wawwawa, so I made a phone call today. I called back the psych people like 5 minutes after they called me. It helps if I'm super tired because I don't have time to get scared or something???????? Plus I had been anticipating this so I was a bit braced for it. Everyone had just left for the laundromat so I knew it was the perfect time to make a phone call and just did it.

So now I have a psych appointment. Yay. It's in about a month. It's on a Monday which is good because every appointment I've had has been on a Monday so far. But it's on the 13th, which is the day before V-day, and Dens will probably be sad that I have to leave the day before V-day.

Anyway, I looked up the doctor that the phone person said I was going to have an appointment with, and it's not the hot mustache guy from the psych department lmaoooo. The guy I'm seeing is a baldie, though. To be honest I'd rather see a woman but I've already had enough difficulty getting an appointment in the first place so I can't really afford to be picky. Apparently this guy seems to know a bit about neurological disorders, because on his profile thingy it listed autism and ADD as things he "treats," though they weren't part of his "green list" which are things he apparently has a lot of patients for or something, but those included phobia, anxiety, and depression (I would assume he has more patients with those things because they're much more common) soooo hopefully this is somebody who knows about the things I am dealing with lmao, and hopefully he'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I might be autistic than my regular doctor who dismissed it immediately within like 5 minutes of meeting me.

I love Dr Marlin though and she is very helpful and considerate. I think that the autistic world is something a lot of people just don't know about so I can't really blame her and it's not like it's her specialty or something, and she still suggested I get full neuropsych testing, but the place she referred me to didn't do that, and was kind of rude to me on the phone, and before I even got my insurance, I was looking at things in the network and that place really made me feel uncomfortable so I never ended up going.

But yeah APPOINTMENT. Now I have something else to worry about for another month yayayay

I'm on a higher dosage of Prozac now. I think it's hard to really communicate what is even wrong with me because 1. that is part of what is wrong with me and 2. there is just so much???

And um I looked up this psych dude on those like dr-rating websites and like half the reviews are like 'best ever so wonderful listens to everything and helps so much' and the other half are like 'stole my money wouldn't listen to a single word doesn't care' so it's like... hahahaha. No one really gave any details, so I guess it's better not to really worry about any of it.

I think it's easy to feel like people are not listening to you when you're having difficulty communicating. Dennis has a lot of trouble communicating these days and often feels like I'm not listening or not trying when honestly he's just not making any sense. And I know that a lot of times I don't make any sense when I'm talking to Dr Marlin, especially because I'm trying to explain a lifetime of mental disorder in 15 minutes while having a lot of anxiety about how to explain it, and sometimes it feels like she's not listening. But she is listening, she just has a lot to try to understand and I'm not really helping make it any easier. But I think some people would just get frustrated and accuse the other person of not listening. So I think whenever I hear people say that their doctors are not listening, I immediately give the doctor the benefit of the doubt. Because I think doctors honestly have a very hard job, and everyone describes their problems differently, and most people think that because their problems are obvious and familiar to themselves, that they should be that obvious to someone else when they explain them.

But the problem with this benefit of doubt is that there are doctors who don't listen, and doctors who just go through the motions or are more interested in selling drugs or maintaining regular appointments are not entirely uncommon. There are doctors with biases and doctors with prejudice and doctors who simply don't care. Doctors are just people and they come with all the hideous flaws that all people have. And so it's not unreasonable to think that people's doctors simply don't listen, or are perhaps too proud to consider where they may make mistakes enough, things like that.

Anyway, I'm mostly just rambling because I'm nervous and still trying to calm down from the terror of making a two-minute phone call. I've actually been here clattering around at the keyboard for almost an hour now. I should probably get up and make some coffee and go to the bathroom. Not that I have anything to do. I do want to get back to reading my book though.

I actually ended up spending all of yesterday reading. It's rare that I'm actually able to read without being too distracted (maybe it's the Prozac???) and so I took the opportunity to do nothing but read for the entire day. I did eat a couple times, and took a few breaks to chug away at some grinding I have to do in Imperial SaGa, but other than probably about an hour or two of combined time doing all that, and then writing the unsaga entry before going to bed (the gameplay was done the day before), I was pretty much on the floor with a book the entire day. And I still didn't finish! Well, I read slow. And I'm ALMOST done. Everything is wrapping up in the story already. But I decided to take a little break and ended up writing the unsaga entry, and got too tired by the end to continue reading.

In a way, I was hoping to finish the book before my dad went to the laundromat today, so I could ask him to drop the book off in the return slot (the library is very close to the laundromat), but alas, I did not. But it's not due til tomorrow, and I'll be visiting Dens a day early this week, so I can have him take me when he picks me up (the library is also close to the apartment lol. I can walk there but it's a bit further than the grocery and the weather recently is not great for walking.

I realize I can just renew my loan on the book but I have anxiety about doing that for no reason and I'm quite enjoying it anyway just actually want to finish it. I'll be done well before anyone else in the book club because everyone else is going through stuff right now lol. But it's an interesting story and I'll probably be posting about it soon.

I'm at 95-day streak on KA right now (!!!) so only 5 more days until I get my 100-day badge thingy. I'm going a bit slow in my general progress though because matrices are a lot to wrap your head around. But only the beginning, I think. Once you really start to get it, it makes a lot more sense. But I've been slow to reach that point, because whenever matrices are taught, they're taught very mechanically, and it's very hard to grasp even what the point of them are.

I guess it helps that I understand a bit about the general concept of how computer animation works, even if I don't understand it in detail enough to know the matrix functions going on underneath. But the more I practice manipulating and using matrices the more it's starting to make sense. It really helps to understand that they are a human construct, a tool designed to perform a function, rather than a tool designed to represent and communicate an observed relationship.

OK, I've now taken a shower even (!) and made coffee, so I guess I'll get back to reading, idk. Recently I feel like I can't do anything (what else is new, lol, but I mean it's particularly disabling right now) so it's hard to start anything. I was very lucky that I got into reading when I did yesterday. I'm pretty excited to finish, and even though the book is literally inches (I really overuse 'literally' anymore, something I used to be annoyed when others would do) from my fingers, picking it up and opening it seems... so hard... even though... I want to...

So I guess I'll stop typing here and just... force myself to do it. Which again is easier said than done lol.

OH OH OH but I did want to talk about Civ. I've been playing a lot of Civ 5 recently, because X gifted it to me. We've been playing together, too. I actually have like multiplayer games going with many people right now lol. But anyway... yeah, IDK, I don't have a lot to say, really. I wanted to comment on all the little things that happened but I don't remember any now, and you can see it all by looking through my screencaps on Steam. But there are so many hot leaders lmaoooooooooo. Also I got Tycho Brahe as a scientist which was quite exciting.

Anyway, I guess I don't actually have much to say about that. I'll just go now.

Sooooooo I finished What She Knew last night or the other night or something I already forgot. Last night. So I'mma talk about it. I actually don't have a ton to say so I'm actually going to answer those "discussion question" things from the back LOL.

( Read more... )

Other than reading that, I've... done a lot of nothing. I trained up some Pokémon. I played Might No 9 a tiny bit. I've been doing a lot of KA -- I'm almost done with Algebra II.

I never ended up discussing what happened over thanksgiving and stuff and now it's too late for it honestly. I can't even remember most of what I wanted to say. The most notable thing was that I witnessed two other patrons doing explicitly sexual things in public (like, masturbating each other and stuff). But it seemed like no one noticed but me?? Or rather, probably, everyone was just as quiet about it as me because they weren't sure how to react. Well, I knew how to react for myself, but IDK how you would even start talking about that with random people around you. And I didn't want to tell my mom about it LOL. But they were hot and like... RIGHT in front of me, so I didn't mind watching. But overall that was a bad day for me, tons of anxiety and like two meltdowns lol.

At my doctor's appointment on Monday, I felt like the doctor is starting to grow tired of me? But it's probably just a feeling. Anyway, I'm still waiting to hear from an actual psychiatrist and my doctor signed me up for therapy, too. And prescribed me Prozac, so now I'm taking two antidepressants lol. I started taking the Prozac today. I have a little bit of headache sometimes -- not nearly as bad as when I started Wellbutrin, though. And feeling a bit jittery. And there's this like... feeling like... my heart... is vibrating? I don't really know how to explain it. It's a little concerning but at the same time maybe I'll have a seizure or something and die. So that would be nice LOL.

Also I tried this ginger Pepsi. It's so good. I wish they had it in like regular cans and stuff. But it's just in these little fancy cans that are expensive. I want like a crate of them.

Ummmmmm I don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm too jittery to play something like UNLIMITED:Saga. I don't even want to play Pokémon? I don't know what I want to do. Living is kind of tiresome lol. I want something nice to drink, really, but I don't have anything. Warm water. Some tea that is running out. That's about it. Would really like... like a ginger ale or something right now. 7up. Maybe a lemon soda. Something like that.

It's supposed to start snowing but? It hasn't?

Anyawy, yeah. Feeling too anxious to really do anything soooo I guess I'll just go.

Oh I wanted to talk about like... Magnolia Factory or something??? I forget. I really need to update here more. Also Joe Donnelly is still wonderful. John Gregg updating his facebook profile picture thing today, and it was flooded with comments of people mourning his loss of the governor's race lol. I did the heart-like reaction thing.

I'm thirstyyyyyyy

Maybe I should like... reread Hoawrds End or something. I've been wanting to for a while and I've actually found it kind of easier to read in general recently?

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