marchionessofmustache | Entries tagged with life: health

So, I don't update here much, as I mostly keep to talking about stuff in general on Discord, but I feel I should get this 'documented' here. Especially because I kinda wanna get back into blogging about tokimemo (and maybe Sonic... eventually) and will surely mention it as most of play time will be from the hospital.

So, a year ago, I think I posted about it here, Den developed lung cancer and had a wedge removed of his lung, and they told him his cancer was in remission and they got it all.

Well, turns out they didn't, and now it's stage 4 and has spread to his brain, and possibly other places (we're going to be checking for those soon).

We went to the ER last week because he developed aphasia, and on top of that was having headaches and blurry vision. So we thought he had a stroke and needed to be checked out. CTA scans returned showing lesions in the brain, however. Long story short, after being juggled around by hospitals who weren't able to provide him the care we needed, we FINALLY got him admitted to one in downtown Indianapolis that can take care of him, and we've learned that he has at least 3 tumors and one is large and growing quickly. The large tumor is in the left frontal lobe, which is why it is affecting his speech so much.

He's very slow to form coherent sentences, and even then, sometimes they're not so coherent because he will use random unrelated words instead of the words he intended and not even realize it (example: he referred to pillows as "spoons" and sausage as "pills," etc. without even noticing ht is saying completely unrelated words). Nouns seem to be mostly affected, but now and then the wrong verb or particle or whatever slips out as well.

Because of his age and health (he's also for some reason having terribly high blood pressure) they want to keep him admitted to the hospital and also do not want him to undergo a biopsy. Because of this we are technically not 100% certain it is cancerous but it only makes sense, and all the doctors feel certain it is. He is going to begin radiation therapy soon (they did radiation mapping today) and it may take from 5 to 20 treatments before he will be finished with radiation. If they find cancer elsewhere they may also introduce chemotherapy treatments.

Worried about the stress and toll on his body, Den is not 100% certain he wants to undergo treatment, and might rather live a shorter, happier end of his life at home. Being the age he is, death is something we've talked about a lot and wanted to plan for -- and while I'm certainly never going to be emotionally ready, I have been preparing myself for the inevitable for a while now, and I will respect his decision no matter what. I told him I want him to make the most selfish decision he can and not elongate his life into suffering just for the sake of existing around me for my sake. I'd also rather see him happy and stress-free in the end.

As of right now, he seems to be leaning toward treatment, as it doesn't sound like imminent passing is right around the corner, and he may be able to earn a longer, happier life through treatment payoff.

As long as they can figure out the blood pressure thing, he should be able to continue his treatment as outpatient soon. Right now he is staying in the hospital as his team of doctors closely monitor, test, and prepare him for treatments. But he may be able to return home as soon as tomorrow or the day after at the earliest.

As for me, I think I'm still in denial with my feelings of him being gone soon, yet still making practical plans in case it happens. I think when he does pass, it will stun me for a bit and THEN become very overwhelming. Right now most of my anxiety revolves around making appointments, providing care, all the driving between home and the hospital... not so much on worrying he might die lol. It kind of feels strange that I don't even think about that part. I guess I am waiting to deal with it when it happens, emotionally at least. I'm trying to get him to pay off the house (he keeps procrastinating on it, partly because I think he is in denial that he might die before paying it off 'naturally' at the end of his mortgage cycle; I think it was actually supposed to be done today with the current offer). I might even ask if I can just do it for him (accessing his money), but I'm a little afraid of having that conversation hahaha. I mean I already have access to everything anyway, but I've never utilized my access to his accounts and such on my own.

I've been researching things like section 8 and homeowner's insurance and stuff -- if he leaves me the house and the car, I'm allowed to have them repercussion-free on disability, while any money he leaves me will have to be paid to social security, so I'm trying to convince him NOT to leave me money other than the cash in the safe which will remain unreported lol. But I'm not sure if I have the mental capability to keep up on home ownership. I might also not have the financial capability -- since disabled people aren't allowed to save money, if an appliance broke or something, I'd just be screwed. I guess I'd have to go on payment plans and then not afford anything else or something? I don't know.

But yeah, those are the kinds of things I'm worried about right now. It's not that I'm not emotional about the whole thing -- I've had my share of cries and panic attacks and such at the thought of having to lose my beloved, the most important person in the world to me... but I haven't gotten to the point when I'm wallowing in it. I think it will hit me harder when it actually happens. And I think, maybe, I, too, am in a bit of denial and hanging onto that hope that everything will go well and we still may have quite a bit of time left together.

Anyway, that's what's going on.

Well, Den had a part of lung removed... biopsy... turns out it was cancer. So they had to take out a large part of his lung. Now he's on an oxygen machine/tanks. But at least we're home? Not sure how long it will last. He's no longer in good spirits thanks to all of this... It doesn't help that all he's doing is researching internet stuff about the 'dangers' of oxygen and stuff and working himself up X_X;

For me I'm quite worn out, I got so stressed (?) that I got very sick, lost my lunch, and ended up falling asleep 8:30 PM lol.

Don't really feel like going into too many more details about everything, but that's pretty much eveerything anyway.

So, I'm finally back on the Disability Application Train. I called the SS office today and got an appointment to apply for Supplemental Security. Alarmingly, the appointment is tomorrow. That gives me no time to recuperate from making a phone call today. So I'm going to struggle quite a bit tomorrow. Today after making the call to schedule the appointment I felt so exhausted I laid down to play Birdie Crush and ended up falling asleep for 3 hours. For the rest of the day, I haven't had the energy to do much of anything so I've been kinda sitting here staring at at the wall (well kinda at the corner of a painting) while I let Birdie Crush auto-play itself.

I finally drudged up the energy to type this out though and I'm feeling a little better. Now I moved over to Dragon Quest Tact. Wouldn't life be grand if I could do something more than watch a phone game play itself?? Actually, I'm not even really doing that because watching the screen while it plays is kind of overstimulating so I'm just kinda staring off into space while it plays and checking in on it now and then lololol. At least I feel like I'm getting something done. I also made the bed and washed dishes today (and even managed to wash dishes AFTER making the call) so it's not like I've just been playing phone games but... I've pretty much just been playing phone games. And sleeping.

And well, I made the call. That was like The Thing for the day anyway.

Since I want to keep myself active (and by active, I mean not just sitting still and glaring at inanimate objects) I shall write about the mobile games I've been playing.

... Just kidding. I started, but I don't think I can concentrate enough. Even though I'm typing this??? But writing more detailed reviews is somehow harder.

Everyone should play Birdie Crush though. It's like anime golf with fantasy elements and there's a really hot principal. And then come join my club because we desperately need members.

Also, Palais de Reine apparently got localized. Weird obscure PS2 game from 2006 is now in English on Steam???????? I actually have the PS2 disc, and always really liked that game but the language barrier was pretty rough on it (even knowing Japanese, it was kinda difficult to understand at points, and you're just overwhelmed with text so it took a lot of energy to muster through and energy is not something I have in large quantities lol).

But that means I can date Diektor now IN ENGLISH. But really all you have to do is fail at the game, as getting with Diektor is the failure condition :P But I love him anyway. I think it's possible to successfully romance him and get a different story path where you marry him but it's not the 'failure' type. But I'm not 100% sure since that game has a lot going on and I never got all the way through it.

Well, I've been keeping up on getting one victory in Street Fighter every day...! I'm on Ryu with Vega right now. Sometimes he yodels. I need to edit my ongoing SF2' post with my thoughts; I've already completed Balrog and haven't written anything about that yet.

After I finish watching Survivor Series 1993 I'll just have like a month of episodes left and I'll have finished all Raw and PPVs for 1993. Huzzah! I haven't watched anything in the last couple days, though; been mostly spending all my time on Twitch.

I really need to call to apply for SSI like... soon. I'm trying to figure out if it's possible to apply online right now but Dens is listening to Tiktok with the volume all the way up and laughing hysterically at it sitting like right next to me and it's taking me like several minutes to type up a sentence for this entry because I can't really concentrate. Reading feels nearly impossible lol.

But yeah I'm in a 'comfortable' position right now because Dens is capable of providing for me but it's not fair on him for me to rely completely on him for everything (well, I do contribute through EBT Snap benefits at least) and I have to consider longevity in the case that anything might happen to him or by some bizarre turn of events we split up (though 11 years in and doing wonderfully, I can't imagine anything like that happening lol).

But of course making a phone call is an incredibly daunting and taxing thing, and having to do an entire application over the phone is like... wow. I need a thousand spoons for that and my daily quota is like ten lmfao. I actually sat and held the phone in my hand shaking for like 2 hours this morning but didn't get anywhere. Maybe I'll talk to my new therapist about it next time.

Oh yeah, that's a thing. I have a new therapist now. My regular one like... got very sick or something? IDK if he's going to come back, honestly. They make it sound like he will but his health seems to be getting progressively worse and he was already talking about retiring anyway, so... this will probably just push him over the edge.

Oh well, there's not much that can be done about this whole thing now that it's the weekend anyway, so I think I'll look into seeing if online applications are opened back up over the weekend and if not, try to get a better number to call. The general number just puts me on hold for like an hour then hangs up on me. At least it did the one time I tried before lol. I haven't had the willpower to try again since then.

I'll leave the SSA tabs up and hopefully remember to do it tomorrow. TBH the biggest motivating factor in all this is that I'd really like to get better internet LMAO. Since my needs are met right now anyway, it doesn't put any kind of pressure or sense of urgency on needing to provide for those things, even though I do have a sense of guilt over not doing it for myself. But I mean, I have a husband who willingly provides for me and regularly reassures me that he wants to do so... that sense of urgency just isn't there.

But recently I've been trying to motivate myself by selfish factors -- if we had additional money not only could I provide for myself and help out with other things that are needed like when we need new appliances or phones or whatever, but I could also do FUN STUFF like buy collectibles and get better internet lol... but also I'm considering using the next stimulus check to pay for better internet for a year and then we can choose to cut back down to shit internet if it's not sustainable. But that's more me looking for 'outs' to ... not apply for SSI. I wish making a single phone call wasn't so difficult for me. And I guess I could technically have Dens do it for me but I feel terrible about that and honestly he would be really uncomfortable doing it because he isn't particularly comfortable on the phone and he wouldn't know what he was doing and would have to keep asking me things which would just make us both anxious and yeah that's just a terrible idea. It's better to just wait until I can muster up the courage to do it myself. But I don't know where to start in my journey of courage-mustering. So yeah I'll definitely have to talk about this in my next therapy session, which sadly is only monthly now because of the high demand. I used to be able to get therapy every week, then it moved to every two weeks because I didn't feel like I needed it every week, but now I'm lucky to get one promptly one month after my last one, and it's a little stressful sometimes, because sometimes I really need advice or at least reassurance to help me get through being alive.

But I make it sound way worse than it is -- I don't really have any challenges right now (except for applying for SSI which is not urgent at the moment) so I'm able to coast pretty well and without having to challenge myself and having a great support system in Dens, I can live pretty comfortably. But it's because I have a very cushy life -- I have all my needs provided for and have a very supportive and helpful spouse who is available 24/7. My obligations pretty much are just going grocery shopping every other week, which I don't have to do alone, and is something routine I'm adjusted to so it only provides minimal challenge for me.

But yeah, I'm rambling at this point and really need to get to bed. But hopefully overthinking about this stuff will be somehow motivating to me tomorrow??? I doubt it, but hey XD

Sooo guess what? My disability claim got denied again. I think we're getting to the like, final stages where I can't even appeal anymore...?? I can appeal this one, though. IDK wtf I'm going to do if it continues to get denied. Like, apply again from the beginning? I don't know what choices I really have. Destroy myself working???? Well, rather than get destroyed I tend to just get fired/quit quickly because... I can't... work... which is why... I'm doing... disability... but... YAY GOVERNMENT

Anyway, that means I'm not going to be able to stream for quite some time because we can't afford better internet. So I'm considering getting back into YouTube. But my tired old lappy might not be able to handle recording anymore. So we'll have to see. I also need to ~totally legit and legally~ get my recording software back. Everything died in the hard drive crash. Everything.

I'm considering doing Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life. I've been watching my friend stream it, and am reminded of how tedious and stupid it is, and I'm like "WOW I want to subject myself to this again!" because... you know, I'm so smart and cool. I could also do ChoroQ HG4, since I did ChoroQ HG2. And then I can always do Unlimited Saga for my like 13095283095th playthrough because I lost my game saves and need to develop them back up to work on TSI content anyway. And I need to ~~finish~~ redo Shepherd's Crossing. And I can always do RSG2 and RSG3. If I had a capture device I could do SGSG, but alas, no moneys. I was actually kind of relying on the whole disability thing to go through this time, which is why I picked up Scarlet Grace on Switch instead of PC. Well, that, and I was afraid it wouldn't run on the old lappy.

For AnWL, I was thinking to focus on getting the kid into a certain job, instead of just 'letting it go,' since that's... all you can really do in the game, so it would break up the tedium a little... at least in the beginning... and give me some kind of goal. But I don't know exactly whose child I want to have (lol) and what job I'd want to do and choosing that is hard and annoying lol. I think I want to go the scholar route, since it seems more 'challenging' than the others. You need to get some of the most expensive things in the game, which means working your ass off on the farm... but that also means influencing your child to be a rancher or farmer. Marlin's kid is already wanting to be a farmer so that seems tricky. I've played Gus's kid too many times already. Maybe I'll go for Rock's kid? But I hate Rock. But I've also never married him, so... XD

But yeah. Those are my things.

And here's THE GAME UPDATES

ROMASAGA3

I've been playing the crap out of this. After the harem party died, I played an Ellen game, and I got through a lot of it. Got the party filled out and headed to the Fire Fortress to grind out some power just because I wanted to (less because I needed to) and then decided I wanted to work on TSI stuff. So I restarted again as Sarah so I could find English names and images for all the monsters. It's coming along pretty well, though there's not much there yet. But it's fun. I also 'linked up' the item pages to the bestiary and stuff. Funtimes.

But yeah Sarah's scenario is annoying because Sarah grows so slowly and the characters I want are all late-game characters. Peony will probably be the first I can get to and even then I can't even get the Show of Wonders to appear... I don't really know what I should work on next. I might go down the Archfiend Palace tower again and reach the locked door or something? I can't do the Vanguard murder thing. I can't do Muse's dream. I can't do anything XD

SAGASCA

Ambitions is a ton of fun, I didn't know what I wanted to focus on so I just ran around to all the areas gathering up the gifts for visiting towns. Then I went straight for the library and now I'm going to go outside the borders to get Tissue Sack. I've been using Rico a lot but he WON'T FRIGGIN GLIMMER MIZUCHI and it's frustrating. I also don't have ANYONE on shortswords which is bad lol. I might go run to that... one... region... and see if I can't pick up Chichi, because she'd be pretty good for that, I think. I don't remember what her Acuity is, but I'm pretty sure her DEX and SPD are good.

POKEY

I've been... chugging away at Pokémon Shield. I don't really have anything to do in it really but work on my competitive Pokes, but I'm at a standstill because I can't get a Spritzee or Aromatisse with Aroma Veil, and this is like... the cornerstone to my entire team I planned out. I guess I could work on a Singles team but... ugh, Singles. On Wednesdays I've been playing with friends and doing raids, which has been pretty fun.

So I guess I should try to think about updating here more >_>

Actually, I want to, not so much because it will actually get read (shoutout to N, my only reader!) but because I just want some kind of outlet to dump my thoughts to no one but in a place where they could potentially be read. It's weird; I don't like keeping a personal journal or diary because it seems pointless to me, but if there's a chance someone will read it, it seems to have meaning to me hahaha. Even when I was but a wee tot and writing in my first paper diary, I imagined someone finding it one day and reading it as some kind of chronicle of my amazing life.

Anyway, let's update on me...?

I don't remember when I last posted. My website died, and I'm waiting to get more money to put it back up. Sadtimes.

All I've been playing recently is Mega Man; I've actually started speedrunning, which is a trip. I was always intimidated by it and thought I would grow to quickly hate the game I was speedrunning or get burned out really fast, but it's actually quite my thing. Similar to recording no-damage runs, it's just practicing the same thing over and over until you get it perfect (or, well, good enough) which is something I like to do.

I'm just doing glitchless MM1 because it's something I'm already quite familiar with and decently good with. I'm used to doing no-damage/no-death attempts, so going for speed is a really interesting change of pace. Because there's times you have to force yourself to get hurt, which at first I didn't like, but then it added another resource management aspect to the game -- in addition to managing your weapon energy you also have to manage your life energy, which is interesting. Deciding exactly how many times you can get hit and where you can afford to do it, stuff like that. It makes me pay more attention to how much damage enemies do, which is something I never thought too much about before since I mostly played without taking much damage to begin with. That being said, fuck Suzys.

I already have a list of games I wanna try speedrunning when I finish getting my first major personal goal in Mega Man (25:25, enough to be in the top half of the leaderboard). One is the original Duke Nukem (like, the platformer) because a couple of twitch friends of mine are running it and it seems fun. And then I want to do ZZT and Into the Gloom, because there are currently no categories for either of those so it's a free WR hahaha. But also because I'd like for there to be categories for those.

May as well make a speedrunning tag *shrug kaomoji that I'm too lazy to look up*

I probably have like 100 more things to talk about but can't think of right now. I'll try to post more here in the future.

oh, life things.

I got so caught up talking about games that I forgot I have a life outside of that. Me and Dens are moving in together. Well, I'm moving into his house with him. That sounds more accurate. Oct 31 or earlier. Crazy. I'm looking forward to it, though. I also have my disability hearing coming up Oct 22. Life is a stress.

ETA: I just looked at my recent entries and found a private one that was the beginning of a Jean/Cossack fic I was writing hahahahaha

Current Music: Opeth - Ghost of Perdition

SOOOO I guess just information sources for RSG3 are bad in general because I finally learned after trying myself that if you recruit Young Fang early (which is possible!) it's only temporary. You still can't permanently recruit him until near the end of the game, and there's no way to abandon the quest you recruit him temporarily for to run around the world without him :\

So I think I might pick up my old RSG3 game and bring it out of hiatus. Would be fun to do a few runs on the SFC version and then pick up the updated version on Steam when it rolls around, right? And it's going to be FOREVER until we get that, anyway.

In other news, my social security appeal finally got denied a second time. Apparently this is extremely common and like 99% of cases have to go to the hearing stage (which means two official denials first) before being approved. And, anecdotally, at least, I know this to be true because I've known people who were physically paralyzed or bed-ridden and got denied twice and had to go to a hearing.

And uh, one thing I wasn't prepared for: getting a hearing usually takes EIGHTEEN TO TWENTY-SIX MONTHS. So, uh, surprise! I'm going to be poor for a LOT longer. I thought it would be similar to the hearing I got re: food stamps when Medicaid deemed me 'medically frail;' that happened like right away and I was actually able to start eating food pretty soon after applying! I mean, it took a couple of months, but we're well over a year into this process and it seems like it could be two more?!

So, uh, yeah. Looks like I'm not going to be nabbing up Scarlet Grace's English version when it comes out, which I'm SUPER bummed about. I'll have enough for Mega Man 11, at least, though, but I'm at this point unsure if my computer will be able to handle it. Since it's already taken a long time to get to this stage, if my second appeal had been approved, I would have gotten over a year's worth of back-pay and suddenly had a bunch of money on hand. In addition to getting a LOT of things I need to live a semblance of a normal life, I was also going to try to upgrade (or rather, replace) my computer.

But it seems I'll be playing the same old early 00s games for a while longer.

Though in "good" news, you get backpay from the moment you first file for disability, which means that once the hearing is over (I'm... fairly confident at this point I'll be able to succeed, based on what my therapist, doctor, and attorney have been saying) I should get like THREE YEARS' backpay, and disabled people aren't allowed to save money, so I'll have to spend almost all of it in like one month? Which is ... stupid and frustrating for many reasons because I'd love to actually save money, but... it also means I can kind of binge spend.

I think some things I'd like to get right away include bedstuffs, a used car for short travel, some new clothes (I haven't gotten new clothes other than xmas gifts since like... middle school LOL), a noise-cancelling headset (for sensory sensitivity stuff), help pay for some things needed around the house with Dens since he's basically been supporting me like I'm his child for years now (and we need many things, like new gutters so the roof will stop getting destroyed, etc.) ...

But as for 'fun' things, I'll probably get a new compy and some compy accessories, a capture card... depending on how much I really have and feel comfortable spending, I might try to get Dens and I a Nintendo Switch as a birthday/xmas present, and get him Dragon Quest XI. It's his favorite series and he saw the trailer for XI and was so sad that we're not getting the 3DS version in the west, because that's the only platform he has available to play it. And I'd probably get Super Mario and Mario Kart for myself, and Smash, maybe, if it still seems worth picking up after the hype has already died down, since I'll mostly be playing with myself.

I also want to just... give my dad money...? lol since he's been supporting me through my entire adult life and even helped (and by helped I mean almost entirely, even if through loans) pay for my education that I never ended up profiting from. There's lots of stuff he could use that I'd like to help him acquire.

Uhhh so I guess for myself it's just a computer and maybe a Switch that is more for Dens lol. I guess I could buy up a bunch of little cheap things I've always wanted but couldn't get because even cheap things are expensive when you have $0. Like the Unlimited Saga manga or something. There's only two books! Oh, and I'd renew my WWE subscription. But that's like $9.

Oh yeah, I'd also start paying for a lot of my own things, like paying my own cell phone bill and things like that, instead of leeching off everyone else. Actually the main thing I'm looking forward to is that -- just being able to give basic financial support to myself, which will hopefully alleviate a lot of guilt and stress I have about being so dependent. Of course, it's unlikely I'll be able to be completely independent any time soon, but it still would be nice to feel less like such a burden.

So yeah that's my rant about that I guess.

Oh and I wrote another Iron Man thing: http://thaao.net/blog/?id=41

This month's flavor is misogyny.

Our internet went out today for a while so I pulled out the ol' Vita and played Scarlet Grace and like THIS GAME IS SO ADDICTING and I forgot how bamf Ogniana was even when you first get her???

I also am having Urpina wield an axe which is surprisingly effective. I also noticed that characters hold their weapons in different ways, like... when they are idling or whatever? Like they didn't just use the same or similar poses. I had Yamato and Urpina in the front of formation both with greatsword and noticed Urpina holds hers sideways so the blade is horizontal, while Yamato holds it up and down like that... traditional kendo position lol.

I've been working nonstop on the unsaga site for a while that I kinda feel like just taking a break and playing games. We were supposed to play Tree of Savior today but the internet died so :( now it's a bit late. I might just lay in bed and play sagasca the rest of the night loolllll. I want to get to Rohsung >_>

OH AND UH THAT ONE GUY BUILDING THE TOWER WHO "USED TO SELL CHURROS" OR WHATEVER LOLOLOL IN THE GUIDEBOOK IT HAS LIKE A FULL BODY ART OF HIM AND HE HAS LIKE A WEIRD BUCKET ATTACHED TO HIS HIP FULL OF CHURROS

But uh yeah I actually finally made the blacksmith calculator thing:

thaao.net/unsaga/extra/?p=smithcalc

o____o

oh and today I went to the Dr and she literally cheered when I said I didn't have any suicidal intentions for a month LOL like she put her hands up and said yay. And I'm going to be changing meds some more again. Like, I'm hoping to get it down where I just constantly chug prozac and nothing else? Like, I really don't like taking lots of things.

Sometimes it feels kind of patronizing when doctors/therapists congratulate me for doing like... basic things... but at the same time like those things are kind of an accomplishment for me and I still cannot come to terms with that LOL. Like uh I remember the first time I went to that office I couldn't even tell the person my name and they like had to call some kind of help line thing LOLLLL and then it took me like many hours to do the paperwork because I was afraid to tell anyone the noises were distracting me and I couldn't focus. So I guess like... not killing myself and having a normal visit to the office is like... a big improvement??? It took me 2 years but now I can walk into buildings and say my name!!!!!!!!

Also I need to stop drinking caffeine but like................... LOL

So I have to do A Thing at like 830AM but like I have no easy way to get there like... I either will have to walk or take the bus ??? And like... it is freezing out and it would take multiple hours to walk there, and like... bus... is very scary and I've never ridden the bus here before so I don't know what it is like and it is VERY SCARY and like... I don't even know if I could find enough coins to ride the bus anyway???

And like it feels so surreal at this point like I don't even feel worried now because I feel like... it's not even going to happen. Because I guess I will probably just give up and not do The Thing but I am kinda worried they might take away my food stamps for not doing it which they already did once for a thing that was not my fault and this time it would be my fault.

But I really don't think they'd take it away that easily for missing A Thing because I missed A Thing before because they scheduled it during my grandpa's viewing and scheduled it for the funeral and I had no idea it even had been scheduled or that I missed it until it was over and like... all I did was call to reschedule and they didn't even like... ask about it like it's just normal to just... not show up to Things?

But this is a different kind of Thing so I really don't know, but it's similar in some ways and I don't want to talk about it because it is a Stress.

Also I went to therapy today and got The Suicide Plan Talk again but this time I got like a little printout of my made up answers for everything as if I actually have support and solutions so I can look over it next time I feel bad like I'm going to actually bother to go get this paper and like ... read all the stupid shit I said that makes me feel ashamed for making it up and then be like 'kay I wanna live now' and uh it's funny because like the other side of the paper has like... the report my therapist writes about me for each session for that day (like he always just ... prints entire things at once even if not's relevant/appropriate because I don't think he really knows how to use printer settings, like one time he wanted to print like these two paragraphs from some autism blog but printed the ENTIRE COMMENTS SECTION and gave me this packet with like 60+ pages in it and was like 'well maybe you will like to read the comments' and like most of the comments are not even related to the actual thing and like some are ads and stuff LOL)

Uh anyway so it has my like report thing and at the top of the second page before it gets to the Suicide Plan thing, it's like... "Reasons for living: patient was unable to answer any" or something like that like looool yes this will be so helpful XDDD

I'm being cynical and it's really not that bad and I didn't make up everything just some things and it's more just like I struggled to find answers and I really do think it's funny/this isn't sarcasm; I did actually learn many helpful things today just this printout is like... so bizarre. It also has like... his opinions on my current status and stuff, and like... I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to see this lol and it just has a list of things like appearance, attitude, motor behavior, eye contact, etc. and so much of it says 'unremarkable' which I am not sure if it means he had no remarks or if it was not particularly good.

But the funniest part is the whole thing is very dry but then under "appearance" it says "appropriate (Sonic the Hedgehog hat)" like... I guess he somehow felt it was important to my health and condition to record that I was wearing a Sonic hat today.

Anyway I am feeling better and don't feel like dying or whatever now. Well, that is a lie -- I don't feel desperate enough to actually try to die. I always feel like dying :D

I finished my R2 no damage run and it's on YT now. I played a bunch of RSG2 and need to write the entries for it. I'm almost done writing the diaries for Save the Homeland (well, the first ending/story at least).

I am so tired but I don't want to sleep because I'm paranoid about bugs??? and like worried about The Thing that I'm like 99.9% likely to not end up doing, which I'm also worried about what will happen if I don't do it. But like TBQH I honestly CANNOT deal right now and this is a Particularly Hard Thing and I still feel like I have not gotten much rest from Various Hard Things since like... the funeral which was in fucking October so like... LOL but yeah I feel like if I had a ride I would be able to muster through it somehow but that's for a variety of reasons I don't feel like going into right now, but I would still do really bad at it like at the interview thing I had to do I like... was curled in a ball half on a chair like hitting my head on the wall because I was freaking out and there were so many VOICES and like... lolol. my favorite is how literally no one even reacted to it?? I mean I was kinda off in a corner by myself and if I ever saw anyone else doing that I would just avoid them at all costs so I guess I can't be too surprised LOL

Also I probably won't get an opportunity to go to the grocery this week (unless again I take a bus which is lol no) so I will have to like... go to market to get food but I don't even want to go to market and like everything is either expensive or questionably safe to eat there sooo idk. I guess I could go to the fancy organic store thing but that is also expensive?? But I could buy like mostly produce which is cheap and very good there. I kinda forgot about that even being an option. I'm pretty sure they take stampies. BUT HEY I MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE THOSE if they decide to punish me for The Thing.

Oh also I contacted a couple disability lawyers over the weekend so now I'm like... awaiting reply which is also a terrifying thing. And like my routine this week is messed up because I'm not going to Dens for the weekend because I'm staying here so I can go to family xmas even thing on xmas eve and like........ both the weird routine AND having to go to family thing is like......... asldgjklasdjglaksdjlkasdjflkasjdflksdjflkasjlfkjaslkfj

JUST STUFF IS TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW but also it's stupid because like I have significantly less responsibility/obligation and fewer stressors than normal people but like I buckle at that tiniest bit of pressure or obligation ever like ... 'you need to write an email' 'I WANT TO DIE' and like... that also makes me feel pathetic and ashamed and like............... lol. just. why.

but yeah actually typing all this out is helpful because it helps me stay focused on something when I get feeling super fucked up until it kind of calms down again so i'm not focusing on like researching overdoses or trying to cut myself or whatever.

also probably because if eel like there's so many things I 'have to do' even though there's really barely anything, I feel like i'm 'not doing enough' ??? and like don't want to sleep because if eel like I need to DO THINGS but there's like literally nothing at all to do and I already did chores and stuff and like.. i'm way too tired to concentrate on anything mindful and like... too exhausted to like... put away the dishes which is the only thing left to do anyway but idrc

also I feel like I need to eat 'while I still can' which makes no sense and honestly nothing I think right now makes sense so idk why i'm even trying to act like it should be rational anyway LOL

oh also recently I have sudden cravings for snuff porn even though it makes me very uncomfortable but it's like the only thing that arouses me recently and i'll like randomly go like weeks without thinking about a single sexual thing and then suddenly like "I NEED TO EJACULATE TO MURDER IDEATION 7 TIMES TODAY" and like... I just reaalllllllllyyyyyyyyy hate myself lmao why am I like this

also today I found a stinkbug and it was cute; I caught it and put it outside

it was so cute though

I think I will leave this one public because I think I secretly want someone to read these kinds of things and be like 'oh you poor thing I sympathize with you and understand there is nothing really wrong with you but I will not communicate this to you in any way because communication makes you uncomfortable' but in reality if anyone actually bothers to read it they will feel mixed feelings of morbid pity and an unsettling fear of how much a freak I am soooooo lmao HAVE FUN

Here's an update yay.

I've been normal I guess, I'm being screened for bipolar lol. Maybe I just have every disorder that exists...

Well, it's really just like further specifying my troubles I guess?

Anyway, the website is coming along pretty well -- all the programming is 100% complete, including the blog and updates page, which means programming-wise it's launch-ready. Well, I'll probably test it a bit more but outside of a little bug testing it's launch-ready.

The only content I have left to edit is Laura's scenario so far, the Innocent Life diary, and the two entries in the TokiMemo3 diary. I also need to write introduction pages for all those things, and SCARLET GRACE as well. UNLIMITED:Saga and Romancing SaGa 3 already have theirs done.

The most difficult (as in, cumbersome, none of it is difficult, just ... consuming lol) thing will be finding all the images for Innocent Life since the links are almost all dead now, and they're buried in facebook somewhere. They're in albums that are separated by play session (which means probably also mostly separated by diary chapter) so at least it won't be like... trying to find them in a nonlinear fashion or something...

The second most annoying thing will be writing the SCARLET GRACE intro page, because I'm having the intro pages give the basic story background (like, what you would find in a manual or on the game's website or whatever. UN:Saga's I got from the manual and RomaSaGa3's is a translation of the intro story sequence thing in the game).

But I'm going to use the guidebook's little story section with the cool art to write this intro, which means translation fun!!! X_X Well, since I already played the game to completion once, hopefully I'll be familiar with all the vocabulary in it... but I'm sure I'll have forgotten tons of Chinese characters, which means looking them up in a kanji dictionary and I explained before how tedious and obnoxious that is in another post, and that's even using the most convenient electronic dictionary I can find lol.

In other news I've been really into a few games that are eating away way more time than they should.

First is Tree of Savior which is a free MMO I'm playing w/ X. It's probably the most fun and well-made f2p MMO I've ever seen? It's a really cool game and I really like it. I'm playing a healer and she's a destructive mage type and we go really well together. We just started doing instanced dungeons and they are a lot of fun. The story is a bit easy though, so it can be kind of tedious, especially if you want to do all the optional objectives like fill your monster diary thing by killing like 209580329850239580 of each kind of monster...

Another cool thing about it is that you're encouraged to have multiple characters and trade with yourself, and there are rewards in the game for doing things like collecting certain sets of items or completely uncovering maps of areas... but what's great is that these tasks are assigned to your entire team (account) and so you can do parts of them with each character or whatever if you want. And once you've finished one, all characters in your team can get the reward, even if you create a new character. And the rewards are EXP boosts and stuff, so once you've gotten very far in the game with one character, having completed lots of maps and collections, you can easily level up a brand new character and blaze through the early story stuff to get to the more interesting later-game stuff right away.

The game has a really cool class system where you choose one of 4 base classes and then every 15 class levels you 'rank up' and choose a new class in your base class's school. You get eight ranks up in all, and you get to keep all the abilities and bonuses you learn from each class, so which classes you pick will drastically change your character's build. And all the base classes have a lot of variety in the advanced classes (each one has 20 in all) so you can end up with a DPS cleric or a tank archer or something if you wanted to. There are also some hidden/secret classes but I don't know much about it...

The game encourages party play but works well for solo play if you want to play solo. This is not just in the large variety of skills and builds, but also in the way skills are designed. For example, the Cleric's healing spells work by placing magical symbols on the ground. If an ally steps on it, it heals them, and if an enemy steps on it, it hurts them. And you can power it up to place multiple seals at once... but it's cool because you can put the seal away from the enemy for your friends to walk on or place it right under the enemy to deal damage. And then you can augment it by going to a 'master' and spending ability points to give it additional abilities like increased damage, or to lose its damage altogether (so it only works as a support/healing spell).

The story seems pretty elaborate and cute, though nothing really super engaging. I still like reading all the text because the lore is neat enough, though.

The other games are SuperStar SMTOWN which is weird kpop game and IDK how I got into this but now I'm obsessively playing it...

And then Star Trek: Timelines which I just started which is a f2p phone game where you do little missions and collect crew members and level them up, your typical "buy stuff from the item shop or take forever" mobile game, but it's pretty cool for a free game and I'm really enjoying it so far.

There are two types of missions, ship battles and away team things. The ship battles are really stupid and boring and just 100% based on your setup and you just sit and watch it. You tap little buttons but there's like no real strategy to it out of like... the most basic strategy even a baby could do it...

The away missions are really fun, though. You have an mission you have to work toward and there's a little story, and there are lots of different paths to get that objective completed. For each 'step' in the mission, you can choose different ways of accomplishing it. For example if you need to get past some security people, maybe you will have options to drug their food, sneak in another way, or fight them head-on. That's kind of a cliché example but there's really a lot of different things. You choose one of your crew to do the task, and each crew member has levels in different fields like science, engineering, diplomacy, medicine, command... (actually that's all of them except "security" which is essentially just fighting LOL) as well as special traits like 'Pilot,' 'Jury Rigger,' 'Public Figure,' whatever. Certain objectives will match up with certain traits and the crew member will get a boost.

Basically there's just a target number you have to reach to clear the objective, and you compare that with your crew member's base stat + any bonuses they got from traits + a random number that they roll based on their roll range (which you can also increase). Whether you clear or fail the objectives in the mission you continue moving forward, but the mistakes you make earlier in the mission will cause trouble in the final outcome, making it harder to pass.

Each objective has flavor text for success and fail and maybe critical success... I haven't paid enough attention to notice (since usually I either always get critical success or never get it, and I don't remember what it said last time anyway if I replay a mission). But yeah, it describes what happens based on your actions and how you move forward toward the main goal of the mission.

There's also various stories where you'll see lots of characters from the series which is fun, and the overall story arcs span many missions and you can change how the story goes in those through your choices, even to the point of the conclusion being different, and whatever happens at the end of an arc shifts the balance of power in the universe forever (lol). Basically your choices let you pick who 'wins' in a conflict or whatever, so you're usually choosing to support different factions or whatever. I ended up supporting the Klingons and Cardassians in the first two stories because they're hot LOLLL and because you get to recruit a member from that faction at the end, and the first story you got Worf, and the second one you got Dukat so I kinda had to pick those XD

You also influence your diplomacy level with the various factions as you do this and they can like or dislike you, which means when you try to buy items from them you might be locked out of some if they don't like you enough. You can also do shuttle missions which are just idle/waiting missions where you send someone to help out a faction and they're gone for like... 3 hour or something and then they come back and you get rewards XD

There's also various events in the game, like this PvP-ish shuttle combat thing which is stupid, some PvP crew member fighting thing that's going on right now (but I think it's ending today?), and these daily missions where you can only use low-ranking characters on the challenges...

Like most of these games, you mainly recruit crew members through a random pull, and what's annoying about this game is that the random pull will give items or characters so you can just end up getting tons of items... You also recruit crew members through the story and stuff, too. And you certainly won't find yourself lacking in crew members; I have already dismissed many because I had a bunch I didn't even want.

You can get like every character ever except for Dr Pulaski (I FEEL LIKE THIS IS LIKE HOW THERE'S NO TIBERIUS IN IMPERIAL SAGA) and many characters have multiple variations you can get... like there are like 10 different Picards or something. It's not just the main crew, like... pretty much any major subcharacter is recruitable. A good example, there are three variations of Lt Barclay. THREE. That's a lot!!! (But no Pulaski LOL and only 3 Archers...) and pretty much if there's a character that was in more than one episode or was just in one but it was a popular/memorable episode you can probably get them.

The event starting tomorrow you can get Robin Hood Picard and Nottingham Q :) Which means mustache Picard :)))))

It's really fun and you can also have friends and fleets (guilds) in the game, and there's even in-game chat. I ignore the global chat but you have a fleet chat, and maybe friend chat too (I have no friends so idk). I joined an LGBT fleet and people actually talk in it and it's scary. I want to make my own but I have no one to join :,) I'm trying to force my brother to play it XDDD Even though he doesn't like Trek (well, he pretends like he doesn't... he's only ever seen Enterprise and he liked it and watched the whole first season with me sooo uh LOL)

But yeah within your fleet you can also have squadrons, which are teams of five players, and certain events are squadron events where you work together... I don't know what it will be like because I've only been playing for like a day, but a squadron event (the mustache Picard event LOL) starts tomorrow... I joined a squadron in my fleet but I feel bad because they're all like Lv50+ and I'm like... level 12 LOLLL. Plus I'd rather play with friends and I kinda hate playing with strangers... but I want to see what the game has to offer. The event structure seems like it might be similar to Shpherd's Crossing Online which is great because that game had great events. And there's lots of Picard stuff to get from this event :D

Most of my pulls have been kinda boring. In the beginning my most powerful characters were like... Wesley Crusher and Alexander (Worf's kid LOL). But I've really powered up some others now and my best characters include Sisko (command, security), Archer (command, security), Spock (science), Data (engineering), Hoshi Sato (diplomacy), Dr Crusher (medicine), and Seven of Nine (science and engineering).

There are three old mustache Scottys available in the game so I really want those 8))))

I also recently got T'Pol and Trip so I have more than enough to make an entire away team of Enterprise crew :D With Archer commanding *___* Though they're like both really weak but I feel like eventually T'Pol could be better than Seven.

The art in the game is pretty cool, it's like comic bookish style illustrations.

Also at the beginning you get to choose one captain to be like your starter Pokémon... but uh... you can only choose Kirk, Picard, or Sisko!! I chose Sisko bc the art of him was very handsome XD I love his little voice clips, too.

Some characters have voice clips and it's like... weird who they chose to give voice clips to... Wesley has voice clips but Dr Crusher and Riker don't...???

Anyway talking too much. I actually came on here to get the Innocent Life diaries XD

OK what I actually came on here to post was that I had the 'disability' talk with Dennis today and surprisingly he already thought it was a good idea for me even before we talked about it. I'm seeing Dr Nolan on Monday so I guess I'll just ask him for advice or something because I feel like at this point I'm probably going to apply for it very soon.

But yeah surprisingly I was expecting Dens to have not ever really thought about it, and to kind of be unsure what to think or something...? But he seemed pretty adamant not only to convince me that I should get it as soon as I can and just get rid of it when/if I don't need it anymore (which... is how you're supposed to do it but lol) and that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about it.

Dens also keeps urging me to get new glasses (I haven't gotten new glasses in like 15 years) since my health insurance might just poof soon and I'll have no real options after that, especially since I have some apparently severe pre-existing conditions, so it will be pretty much impossible to get insurance without being rich...

But I keep forgetting to do it lol. Maybe I should look into it this weekend and try to do it this week...? I have like... super weird and limited options for optical stuff through Medicaid, so...

I think if I get Soc Sec Disability (though it sounds like the chance of getting it is extremely low because I've known people with really severe cases like, being physically unable to stand or walk or pick up even lightweight things... getting rejected... though you can get lawyers for it and like, I would assume these lawyers would not require you to be rich considering it would be very common for their clients to not have access to work because they're disabled...?), I might have to change over to Medicaid Disability ...?? But I feel like... the plan is jut for people who need it and I'm able to cover the treatment I need with regular Medicaid. But it might be something I have to do anyway??? I don't want to lol. I guess if I get disability interview I can ask about it then since I'm pretty sure it's all handled by the same office (at least at that level).

I want to play Voez especially since there's new songs in the rotation and I haven't played but like one or two of them, but I'm tired and kind of want to just sit on the couch with Dens and wind down so I can sleep easily. For my next Chuchu I need to All-Perfect three songs on Special which is... lol. It took me so long to get the first and I had to choose a super easy Special stage... The others like... Don't even feel doable LOL. Colorful Voice might be possible... but I don't know what else I could do. I want more Chuchus though D: I'll get one soon because they're getting rid of all the 52hz I Love You songs, which is sad because I looooove all of them. And I had even bought one with a Chuchu, so when they dump them, they'll be reimbursing Chuchus.

I really want to draw Qian Qian because I love herrrr. I actually love all the characters, really. Well, the girls. I think I talked about this already hahhaa. But I like, went out of my way to like... learn who was who (if you just read the story casually it's kind of hard to follow, so I had to re-read it carefully to tell which name matched up with each character's art XD)

Qian Qian is my favorite but Yuko is soooooo cute and fun and I wish she was real and I'd read her blog, and Chelsea is adorable and I can't wait for her to develop more because I feel like she's going to be an interesting character??? Like she seems to be like... prominently displayed in the art and in the opening and stuff...? IDK maybe I'm overanalyzing XD But she's cute and I want to know more about her.

I wish the boys were more interesting, though. Like Ocean and Jessy are pretty much the same and I actually had them mixed up at first because they may as well be the same person. The only differences between them are how the girls react to them/think about them lol.

Lance is okay because he's kind funny but he's also like super annoying because he bullies Chelsea lol.

But yeah I'mma go rest/sleep now.

Thanks to everyone who expressed condolences/sympathies/etc about the thing with my grandfather. My mental health kinda plummeted recently with the stress of that and some other things so I didn't really respond to anyone, but I did read everything here and even on Miitomo and stuff. So thanks a lot for your thoughts.

He seems to be doing okay, as in hanging on for now, but... there's still a lot of worry and tension surrounding it. And then my mom told me yesterday that my grandmother isn't doing well and we should take a trip out to see her very soon...

I'm trying to not focus on it too much.

At therapy on Tuesday (I had to go on Tuesday instead of Thursday alskdjfklasdjf) I didn't even have to bring up social security and disability because my therapist suggested it himself lol. I guess that's a bit more validating but... at the same time it's kind of frustrating lol. Not that he brought it up but that I'm like ... so obviously a mental case XD

I started working on the website again. I've been kind of ignoring it (and everything) recently, but I'm making a lot of progress. If I keep going at this pace I could launch very soon, as in within a week. But I'll probably slow the pace down over the weekend and focus more (or entirely) on drawing coloring pages then.

I ordered a set of dumbbells (omfg it's spelled with two b's?!) online recently with my Bing points. The shipping would have been a ton (like $20 or something) but I could get free shipping with $10 more of items, and I'd be able to cover the entire purchase with Bing points so I wouldn't have to spend any money, so I went and found a new coloring book for Dens and I got a Forster novel that I don't have yay. It's his sci-fi dystopian thing that I forget even existed until now.

Um I just remembered Happy Bookers. Oops. I totally forgot about the dog book O_o uhhhhh

Yeah idk.

Anyway, I'm doing this thing now where I like... have a chart to track my ability to focus and complete daily tasks as well as put stuff like exercise and sleep and medications in there... to see if my mood cycles (rather than like, triggers, I guess?)

And in therapy we might start focusing on like... learning life/work skills lmaoooo. Maybe next we will do times tables and read a picture book.

The main things I need to do for the site now are just to write the index/intro pages for each play diary, make a 'new' play diary page (like, a page that shows recent updates and stuff), and uh... maybe make an overall home page, I guess. But I'm thinking of making the new and home page the same thing, since... what else would even go on the home page anyway? There's a nav menu at the top of the pages now where you can select all the diaries and see which ones I have planned (I pretty much just typed in every title in the Elite Four series, though with Harvey I only put things from DS Cute and back, and left out some alternate versions).

Anyway, I should stop blathering and do some exercise and get back to work.

Also for breakfast today I ate Reese's Eggs lmfao.

Today is tharpy dayyyyyyyyyyyy

I've had not so great a week I feel??? But I did ok today. I kind of want to bring up the topic of disability but I also feel ashamed about it so who knows what will happen lmao.

But um... Imperial SaGa got a new update today~~ The old event ended and we got our prizes. I kinda didn't try too hard so I was only in the top 50th percentile, but I still got character tickets. There was also a character ticket for logging in on the day of the first showing of Romancing SaGa The Stage (which was 4/20) and then a character ticket for logging in on the anniversary of the release of Minstrel Song (4/21) and since the day switches over at 11AM here, I got both today haha.

But uh, the one from RSG The Stage gave me...

Undine!!! I was expecting a bunch of reds and maybe a purple so to get not only a gold, but someone who fits pretty well on my team is really cool????

Also, there's a promo day for Nina coming up, where 50% of all golds will be her, and if you get her, she's Rainbow instead of gold. It's still only like a 0.4% chance of actually getting her but... it's in the Series Gacha, so if I don't get her, I'll still get SaGaFro2 characters which is cool? So I'm thinking about trying.

Not that I have any particular love for Nina or something. I mean, I like her but I haven't played enough SGF2 to really know her so she's just a cool idea? BUT not only do I like her design, but she has really cool abilities that would be perfect for my team lmao (it boosts the magic power of anyone with wind, water, or earth arts and most of my party are characters with two or three schools of magic arts already and they all fall into that category XD).

Plus, she's the last promo, so I'll be able to see the news about whatever updates are coming next to see if I want to actually spend my Kr or not. Though since they just now added SaGa 1 stuff, I'm guessing they will go through SaGa 2 and SaGa 3 before ever getting to UNSaga...

BUT!!!

If they add SaGa 2 stuff soon, that means there is a chance we could get Dad or Mask???? So I'd like to have them??? But, uh, it would probably be better to wait until they've been around a while and wait for a promo gacha that focuses on him (which there surely will be). And the only thing they've added from SG1 so far are Human Man and Human Woman (yeah lmao they're just added generic characters now but STILL NO TIBERIUS).

But anyway, along with this event, they've added new characters. What's cool is anymore they don't only add promo characters, but just add some new gold characters to the regular roster, and give an increased chance of getting them in the regular gacha during the event, and they using them in your party will boost the event items you get from quests.

The two new golds are Mikhail and Holy Emperor, and in my Play Diary, I talked about how I was unsure of how to translate Holy Emperor because the common fan translation is "Holy King," but uh in Imperial SaGa she's definitely a woman, so I'm glad I ended up choosing "Emperor" in the end. Even though I realize "Empress" is a word, like... "Emperor" just sounds a lot less gendered than "King."

Um but the new Holy Emperor art has stupid boob window lol... The one thing I hate most about Imperial SaGa is that they sexualized all the women and girls in the new art. One thing I've always liked about SaGa is that it doesn't really have oversexualized female characters, but Imperial SaGa like... destroys that lol.

Like, uh, for example, Monica is a great character, for instance, who has a really interesting story and grows so much and despite being a princess is really badass and independent like...??? She's so great on her own and could have so much really cool art but instead we get like... Monica laying seductively on a bed with her tits about to burst out of her clothes like...

???????????????

Not only is this completely unrelated to anything she does ever in the game, and not only is it missing out on an opportunity to capture so many great aspects of her character, but it's like... actually out-of-character for her...?

And like... it's not like I don't like sexy art or whatever because I very much do and I even do really like the Monica art I'm complaining about because she looks very pretty in it but... leave that to the pervy fan artists? If you're going to make official art of your characters for a game please make them... somewhat... relevant... to... the game...???????

Like IDK there's just so much to love about Monica and we have this opportunity to get super cool new Monica art, new art of a great and interesting character that does a lot of things and has a really interesting story and has so many situations that would be awesome to see illustrated...

And she's reduced to "look at titty."

It makes me mad!!

Anyway, the promo character for the event right now is Ward! Which means new Ward art!!

Beautiful...

And see, characters can be hot as hell without being sexualized. If they're already sexy they don't need like... awkward sex poses and beds they will just be sexy anyway???????????

He and Mikahil (and probably Holy Emperor) are part of the story (it's about fighting Byunei) for the event but I just skip the story so IDK what it's really about lmaooooo. There's like a gallery mode where you can watch all past event stories and stuff so I figure if I ever care about the story of this game I'll go watch that. I still don't even really know the main plot of the main story because I just skip through literally everything LOL.

Oh and his Commander Skill is that he boosts the attack power of anyone with light magic arts, which in my current party is just Leon, but Leon also uses foil so his attacks are ridiculously strong right now (like just his regular Final Letter is doing more damage than Boston's super critical thing LOL). Though if I used Screwdriver I'd get Ultra Critical every time too (since it's effective against women) but I think the power of his Screwdriver is so low that just using Final Letter would be better? (Uh, also, his Final Letter is really beefed up).

Also when characters level up they say like little quote things, like each character just has one they always say. Leon says like "Follow Me" (but in a way that sounds much cooler than that??) And uh... Ward's was "You wanna take a job?" and I was like wtf why did they choose that?? And then I realized that's pretty much HIS ONLY LINE OF DIALOGUE IN THE ENTIRE GAME LMFAO

IDK why I get attached to SaGa characters when they are hardly more than visual character concepts LOL

But yeah the boss of the event quests is Byunei, and she's weak to piercing damage, so Boston's special art that he came with always Super Criticals on her because it's piercing damage (despite being a punch) plus is effective against Abyss creatures and characters (which means it always gets a critical, and using weakness + critical hit = Super Critical XD)

You can actually Ultra Critical which is dual weakness + critical hit, but you have to hit with elemental and physical weakness and get a crit at the same time so I've never seen it lmao.

IDK what to do for the next 20 minutes lol. I'm feeling anxious. I guess I'll do KA a bit and then pack up my stuff so it's ready for going to Dens or something. I'm going early again this week. I hope all the patterns get back to normal soon~~

So, I was waiting til I finished the tutorial part of the website to launch it, but I'm starting to think maybe I should start with just a Play Diary website? It sounds horrible but I don't know if I could manage updating both play diaries and tutorials regularly, and I'm already losing a lot of motivation because the idea is overwhelming.

Plus the tutorial site would still start with just like... one little thing which is like... not really substantial anyway? Like, I've only written the first project's lessons, which is pretty basic. The idea was to launch with that and continue adding a new lesson weekly but like...

I know it is ridiculous but writing a lesson and writing a play diary in one week seems like a lot of work even though it's like extremely minimal work?? It's not that the actual WORK is a lot of work, it's that I already realize that I have to find times when I'm not having problems with anxiety or depression or sensory shit and I have to be alone and etc etc plus switching focus is almost impossible for me so if I feel like doing play diary but need to work on tutorial or the other way around I will like... just get overwhelmed and do nothing lol.

Like, I know it sounds stupid and it's like "ok but sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do" or whatever but believe me it's NOT THAT LOL. I'm not just being finicky or lazy like my brain literally will fight with me and make me increasingly ill if I try to force myself to switch focus or force focus on something it's not already focusing on. And I seem to have little control over when these focus shifts happen, though trying to force new ones usually makes them ALL collapse and then I just focus on like... being depressed for a while???

But yeah IDK I think I might just finish up the play diary site as it is and launch it, and then start adding new content to it. Maybe I can even continue doing several diaries and wait and do the tutorial thing later...?

I found this like 'coffee' crowdfunding site (I forget the name but it's like a weird spelling of coffee lol) where you basically just accept $3 donations called "coffees" and you can like set goals and stuff on it? It seems better than a donate button and less intimidating than a Patreon to a potential donor, so I might try that out once I get the site up.

I keep thinking about it so I think I'll probably end up doing it, but I still want to do the "every NES game ever" play diary lol. Maybe once I get the site up and running and finally edit the Innocent Life diary and get caught up editing unsaga (since there's a lot more now), I'll start it???

But uh IDK.

The main reason I didn't want to launch the website w/o the tutorial thing is because hosting costs money, and it was going to be like... two separate subsites hosted on the same server, and I figured it would be better to like... already have both in existence when I pay for hosting since it will be a substantial amount of money for me (and probably cut like... a couple months off of my "this is where you run out of food" time limit) and I was hoping to do a little minor monetization with the sites, but uh...

I'm really terrible at promoting myself already, and I don't really have anywhere to promote the tutorial site?? I mean, I have accounts at a few game dev forums and stuff like that but like... I'm not going to just go make a topic like HEY GUYS GO TO MY SITE AND PAY FOR IT ALSO SORRY FOR NOT PARTICIPATING HERE FOR YEARS LOL

But I'm more likely to "promote" my play diary site because I'm active on game forums and stuff and constantly talk about it anyway? So I can just mention it and I won't feel like I'm like... imposing. IDK LOLLLLL;;;;

But I also was thinking, that if I can get the PD site up and running well enough, and finish Dens's coloring book thing, I could get back to working on Rogue Nightmare, and I feel like having a bigger game like that published will give me more credibility and attention for a game dev tutorial site anyway??????

And then I can use the web hosting to host a devblog for the game and stuff.

IDK like honestly this seems like a WAY BETTER PLAN since like the chance of me successfully monetizing either of these things is like pretty low and like that's not really the reason I'm doing it (monetization is more just like... a life necessity LOL because I'll need to make up for the cost of hosting somehow) but I just hate changing plans even if the new plan is easier and better??? Like it just feels 'wrong' and like... makes me feel like I shouldn't do anything at all.

Why... is my brain like this...????

Anyway, opinions/reassurance/something? Is putting off the site for probably a very long time just for the sake of having a small part of the tutorial launch alongside it worth it? You have to keep in mind that I may not be able to continue to afford hosting, so there's a chance if I don't launch the tutorial site, I may never get to launch it.

But I guess if I keep holding off, I just will end up spending all money on food and have $0 total so... nothing will launch XD I mean that's like quite a way away -- I have enough money to eat until 2018 at least. How far into 2018 I can go, though, I'm not sure yet. But there's a lot of time before then so anything can happen. Maybe I'll become functional enough to do Real People work or something soon?

Soooo last night I was going to the bathroom to get ready for bed and my dad??? came home?????????? and had someone with him????? Maybe even 2 people idk. But yeah like... they were loud and like... started watching TV... so I would have to cross in front of them to get back to my room. And I hadn't done anything in the bathroom yet and I was afraid to because there were people there lol. So I like... spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet, sitting on the floor, sitting in the bathtub... (I was thinking maybe I could trick everyone into thinking that I wasn't in there and had just accidentally left the light on and door closed, and if anyone came in just hold my breath in the tub behind the curtains and UH YEAH I QUICKLY REALIZED HOW STUPID OF AN IDEA THAT WAS LOL)

Anyway, I eventually (about like an hour of being in there lol) flushed the toilet and washed my hands even though I hadn't done anything but sit around and then went out and like dashed across the room and my dad asked if I was okay and I said maybe and they (?) like kind of chuckled???? IDEK who was there or whatever because I didn't look lol. But there was definitely someone because I could hear the VOICESSSSS

So uh the main reason I left the bathroom was because I remembered I had a like big bottle (like it had Gold Peak tea in it, maybe around 2 liters? 1.5 liters?) that I keep water in to give to the roachies, but I stopped using it because their spray bottle has ample water, so I just kinda had that empty Gold Peak bottle sitting around. And I was like... oh I can pee in that and then throw it out later LOL. Because I could like... put on headphones and put my headset on and sit by the fan bc I wouldn't be able to hear them.

Because I can't pee if I can hear like... literally any noises at all? Like constant noises like fan or a/c or whatever is fine but like... hearing like... things that come and go like footstep or w/e, I can't. It's not really a social anxiety thing because stuff like thunder or birds on the roof or whatever do it too LOL it's because I have to concentrate??? and all noises distract and scare me so :))))))))))

ANYWAY I got back to my room and had a mini panic attack and then remembered that I had thrown that bottle away lolllll. So I still had to go to the bathroom but I certainly couldn't go back out now.

And it was still kinda noisy like... they were being quiet but similar to peeing I can't sleep if I can hear anything at all because like anyk ind of sounds trigger my anxiety and knowing people are awake when I'm trying to sleep does too (because I'm afraid they WILL make sounds, even if they're not now lol)

So uh I took some hydroxyzine (fortunately I had water in my room from earlier and hadn't drunk it all yet) which did not help at all and then laid on the floor with my head under my desk and put my fan on the floor so it would drown out noise and like... tried to sleep but I couldn't at all because there were people and I had to pee lmfao.

So uhhh after some period of time that felt both long and short, they went into his bedroom and went to sleep, and I sat with my back to the door making sure everything was quiet before leaving my room, and eventually got to go to the bathroom and they were sleeping I guess because it was quiet so I was able to go to sleep after that. Then I only slept like 6 hours but that's like... enough sleep but I usually sleep like 7-8 hours so idk. But I think I just woke up because the sun came out and I like to have my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. And anymore I feel like I don't sleep through the sun (which is good, that's what I wanted XD)

Anyway, so this morning I figured since I didn't sleep much and they'll probably laze around in there for a while, I could brave going out again, since it was quiet, so I managed to go to the bathroom without making much noise with doors or whatever but of course the toilet and sink make noise whether you want them to or not. And then I could hear mumbling from my dad's room since the bathroom is adjacent...

SO LOL CUE ANXIETY AGAIN FUN TIMESSSSS

But uhhh I forced myself to make breakfast since I really doubted they'd just suddenly spring up and exit the room after a little groggy mumbling. I was only making a peanut butter sandwich so it should not take long. And it didn't and I got back to my room yay. Even though I don't like to eat in here anymore but... I'm not risking sitting out at the dining table lmfao.

But uh I need to exercise and shower and stuff but I definitely can't do that if a human being might exist in close proximity to me so I guess I will just suffer lmfao. I already didn't exercise on Thursday for Reasons, and then Friday I normally don't exercise anyway so uhhh this would be three days of no esize?

I guess I could like... just do it and then sit in here a sweaty mess in front of the fan until I knew everything was clear so I could go take a shower.

Oh, but I need to go get water... I guess I'll do that now while it's still quiet????? I really don't want to leave but the anxiety is not too bad right now, like once I know they're really awake for the day it will be horrible, so I'm kind of anticipating that and that makes me anxious but I did eat and take my pill cocktail so I'm feeling okay right now... just a little nervous in anticipation. But also typing stuff like this calms me down too lololol.

So uh yeah I think I will go try to get water now. The water cooler isn't noisy since the cooling mechanism broke and I won't have to use the faucet so I should be able to do it pretty silently. But idk why I keep sitting here and typing because pretty much every moment is a countdown til they get up sooo LOL.

OK I GOT WATER YAYYYYY. I'm pretty sure they didn't wake up or anything yet, just maybe a little when I went to bathroom but went back to sleep.

Now the sun is at a position in the sky where it's like right in my face and hard to look at computer sooo this is when I would normally start exercising and stuff. So I guess I should do that?

I'm kinda nervous about them like... waking up while I'm exercising...?????????????????????????

Maybe I will just... sit on the floor in the corner and put my face on the wall for several hours :)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Uh recently I've been debating to myself if I should try to apply for disability, but I keep feeling like I don't need it and that I'm cheating and stuff and that they'll call my doctors and they'll be like wtf no!! and then refuse to treat me or something LMFAO and I realize that's stupid but I at least want to talk to the doctor about it first though???? But uh I'd want to talk to both my therapist and my psychologist about it first, and probably talk it over with Dens and all those things are anxiety sooooo lmao I'll probably just do nothing.

Anyway the reason I mentioned this is because I keep thinking "No, I'm just being lazy. I could get a job if I would just go out and do it" but uhhh I can't even go to the bathroom in my own fucking apartment because like... people exist??

And this isn't a like "strangers" thing, like if it was just my dad coming home alone and watching TV it would have been the same and this same kind of thing has happens all the time, like I can't even go to the bathroom with Dennis is folding laundry or something lol.

Uh but the whole like, not wanting to exercise and stuff is a 'strangers' thing I guess? Or maybe an 'unpredictable situation' thing, because I would be fine if it was just my dad and brother like normal, I think because I know what do expect from them? Like I know they would definitely not come into my room suddenly or like... be out in the main areas for very long? Unless it was just my dad sitting in his chair which... only sometimes causes me anxiety and makes me unable to leave my room but since Prozac+therapy I've at least been able to leave my room when my dad is sitting quietly in his chair lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

As I type this it sounds funny lol. Like it doesn't even sound real? Like, I'm thinking about what I am writing and I'm like "hahaha wtf that is weird and dumb??? who actually thinks like that???" BUT UH IT IS REAL?????

BUT UH ANYWAY my point is like... I feel like if I struggle just to like take care of basic needs like bathroom simply because I might hear a noise or a person exists in the general vicinity like... maybe that is enough to consider myself disabled? I mean I do consider myself disabled already but like I mean "fully" disabled by government standards or whatever lmfao. Since you can't get social security for "partial" disability (even if it meant you were only partially able to support and take care of yourself, which makes no sense, but I'm not going to get political right now lmfaooo)

So yeah sun is in my face and I'm like staring at the floor and squinting my eyes and trying to just look up now and then when a cloud goes by to make sure I'm typing everything right... gotta check for those squiggly reds lolol. So uh I really should do something other than sit on the computer, like ... exercise ...

but anxiety :) And I kind of feel like vomiting and have a headache now like... all of a sudden??? But I think it's just my brain doing the like... force-my-body-to-procrastinate thing, which is an entirely other mental problem I have so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy life.

Like IDK I don't really feel bad right now like I feel like this is so ridiculous and silly that it doesn't even seem real and I feel like I'm like... watching someone else type all this out, like it's a movie about me but I'm not me (loll) and I'm like just sitting here thinking about ridiculous and unrealistic this person is and it's like mildly humorous, but not in the way where you really laugh, but where you just keep watching because it at least hits that bare minimum level of entertainment to where you don't end up doing anything else.

And uh now I have to go to the bathroom again but this isn't the procrastination thing, this is just around when I usually have my ~*~DAILY BOWEL MOVEMENT~*~ sooo uhhh lol. But I definitely don't feel up to doing that right now but uh I have a lot of experience with holding bowel movements. I can go days. I'm a pro. Doesn't that like... give you cancer or something? Maybe I'll commit suicide by never taking a shit lmfaooooooooooooooo

I'm not really feeling suicidal right now I just thought that was funny but it's not because all of this is real and I'm really this much of a mess lmfaooooo but I GUESS I AM STILL LAUGHING?

Anyway, THE SUN is attacking my (it's solar jutsu~~~ It's using Starfixer to paralyze me... it should just use Daybreak and end this madness XDD)

Actually I want a shadow servant so I can make them go do everything for me XD Ummm but I guess that can't poo for me so oops.

Well they could go get a bucket and I could poo in that and make them go dispose of it.

Except if I had a Shadow Servant, the Servant would probably have anxiety, too, right? lol whenever I think about that thing where you have a clone and make the clone do all the stuff you don't want to do ... like... the clone would not want to do it either... and would want you to do it LOL like why would the close like just... be in servitude to you... it makes no sense.

OK SUN PLEASE STOP I PROMISE I WILL DO GOO DIN THIS WORLDLDSDGKSLGKJ

I really can't be at the computer anymore or I will go blind, so... I'm either going to cry in a corner or exercise (prolly the latter, actually, because I'm feeling a bit better after typing all this out lmao, and I did successfully get water!!! in a cup!!!! I'm a grown-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

ETA: JK I HEARD A FAINT SOUND SO I AM JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR LOL

Well now I'm sitting like awkwardly against the wall with my usb keboard on my lap loll it's pretty much impossible to see the screen qithout like getting close to it and squienteting so I odont' even know if i'm typing stuff right? Like, I generally make a lot of mistakes while typing, and I'm catchin a lot right now because I can 'feel' them, like I just typed 'fell' and realized I did then knew how many tyimes to press backspace but I also know that i'm like... randomly hitting lots of other keys and stuff, and earlier I typed some word and knew I missed it up bad but didn't know how to correct it so I just left it and you probably can't even tell what word it is because I was basically just like hitting random keys.

Anyway no exercise for me now :) Also it's hot in here because there's no a/ in my room (I odn't heven have a proper room, I just like... sleep in a den LOL and there's no like a/c or heating or anything in here XD er, there's heating nvm. But it's like this weird heated ceiling thing and it's either no heat or it's 200 degrees soooo lmfao.

Actually I had something I was going to say when I started typing this??? But I've alrady forgotten it :\

OH YEAH

I was gonna say like... i'm trying to do the whole like... rationalizing thing like...

OK so like the first thing I have to do is recognize if this fear is a rational/beneficial thing and like... it's not but... sudden sounds or people suddenly talking to me can give me an anxiety attack or panic attack and that's more what I'm afraid of, than the sounds themselves, I think? So I in a way I guess it's a RATIONAL fear, in a sense, but lie.... it's not beneficial????

nvm I'm just going to say NO... so I guess really the best thing to do would to be to... pretend like... I'm okay... so I GUESS I SHOULD EXERCISE??? But I kinda have to calm down from the noise lol. I think it was my brother opening his door lol X_X

I want to hug my Palkia but it's across the room and I don't want to like... move from this spot lol.

Oh I got some graph paper the other day (my dad like... brought it home from a garage sale idk) so I think I will graph trig functions or something lol because graphs make me happee

It seems like lj's new TOS broke DW because too many people were rushing here at once or something hahaha.

I'm almost caught back up to where I realized I wasn't taking any screencaps at all in Laura's scenario lol.

I haven't played with Urpina in a couple of days, but I missed out on a bunch of the characters I was planning on having in my final team. I think I may have talked about this already...? So I'm just kinda picking the best from who I do happen to find, and I'm not going to "try" for any characters from here on out. There are just SO many options and so many missable things in this game, which is both good and bad, but I do have a nice team of 9 and am looking for a 'male' mage for the party now, as the only role I don't really have filled. Though I did look through the characters and it seems there's only one even left available, and getting him seems to require some pretty specific choices, so I MIGHT try for him when I get to that turning point, but I'm also not wanting to look at guides much, so...

Also Urpina has like a million endings or something X_X; Leo only had two and it was based solely on your decision just before the end. Urpina's different endings are impacted as early as finishing the little intro chapter of her story it seems.

But I'm really trying not to look at the guide too much lol. I just looked more when I couldn't find the characters in the locations they were supposed to be, and realized I missed out on a lot of stuff.

I might start writing the Laura scenario play diary later today. I have a looootttt to write because I pretty much am going to be done with the entire story except the last couple of adventures lol. I should probably upload the Urpina caps and start on those, too, because it will take forever...

I've been having a hankering to play SaGa 1 or SaGa 2 recently. I want to make play diaries of them eventually, but I don't want to start them right now, so maybe I'll just play through one of them for fun. I've cleared SaGa 1 a few times, but never SaGa 2, though I've gotten pretty far. Or maybe I should play SaGa 3 even though I ... really don't like it that much haha.

I might actually start the TokiMemo play diary this week, too. Especially since I'll probably get my book today. I'm kinda slowing down on the website because I've been feeling burned out and a friend and my therapist recommended I pace myself better and not put too much pressure on myself.

Also, I mentioned that I looked for a job the other day and my therapist was like shocked and seemed hesitant to accept that and was saying more stuff about how I have to do stuff at my own pace.

In one way I still feel kind of... weird/bad/tired about being treated like a "severe" case (IDK if I mentioned this but I was also instructed to take all sharp objects out of my room lololol) but at the same time it's a bit... reassuring/validating that... I'm not just lazy/stupid and I have serious problems that make it difficult for me to find and maintain jobs and complete tasks and maintain interpersonal relationships and stuff.

Oh, Joe was in town this week and we played Catan yesterday and it was fun but a little awkward, and I guess he and his wife got a divorce, but I didn't know, and I asked them if they were planning on having any kids (which I know is an obnoxious question, but we were already talking about kids/pregnancy so it was not like super random?) and then he was like "oh about that" and I felt terrible, but I guess it was a civil parting, they just realized marriage wasn't for them and are still friends and still work/live together? Er, they might not live together anymore, but I think they still work at the same school (idk lmao I don't ask about details on anything so I never know anything).

Anyway, yeah, that was weird, and we talked about Star Trek which is good and now I feel like watching Trek but I don't because I hate watching things and I'm playing like three SaGa games right now and feeling like starting another for fun and starting Tokimemo and like... lol. And I feel like drawing recently, too -- I want to be able to make a coloring book for dens for his birthday, which is over two months away, but making an entire book's worth of drawings could easily take two months or more, so I should get started on it. Probably I should dedicate at least one day a week to it, and I don't want to do it when he's around because I want the contents to be a surprise (though I could easily hide it from him when he's around anyway since it's not like he looks at my computer screen that much and his eyesight is very poor so he hardly can see anything on it anyway, and I can just zoom or minimize when he's near so he can't see what it is... actually I might be more motivated to work on it around him, so... maybe I'll start doing that...)

IDK if I updated about this last night but

The programming for all of the play diary sites is done. Well, not Innocent Life but I'm not going to add that til later I think. Because that's a ton more editing and going back and finding images I deleted and stuff...

So I'mma work on editing the rest of the entries (partly done with Scarlet Grace and need to do all of RSG3) and programming the grammin tut site. Then I'll be ready for launch. IDK if I'll launch right away or try to finish up some more of the play diaries and iron out the programming site or what.

I also plan to eventually have many subsites, like an art portfolio site, and I was to make some game fansites (well, maybe not multiple, but I at least want to create a serebii-like site for unsaga, then might expand it to the whole series?)

So I'm feeling pretty good lol.

I have therapy tomorrow and am actually looking forward to going. I think I might (MIGHT) be able to deal with the waiting room better this time. But I have a lot to talk about and like... usually a big thing that makes me nervous is I feel like I won't have anything to say and won't know what to say and stuff >_>;

But I have many things this time XD From things I looked up about that we talked about last time, and what's happened in the last 3 weeks, and stuff I realized about myself, etc.

I think I already posted about my SUDDENLY SUICIDAL day a week ago, and then I thought I was falling into depression again, but I feel like I'm not anymore lolol. I think maybe I had a very short depressive episode or something, or I'm just like... a lot better at dealing/recovering from one because of meds and stuff.

BUT a thing happened today, too. After getting an autism diagnosis, I've been more analytical about my behaviors and actions. I didn't really want to think too much about it before since I wasn't really sure if I was autistic or not, but after having a doctor say so I feel more comfortable like... really analyzing myself with that perspective I guess.

Anyway, I've notice that I'm more attached to routines than I thought previously. I used to think I didn't really have any attachment to routine (which was also something that made me wonder if I might not have autism) but rather it's that I am very adverse to changing or forcing routines. Because the word "routine" makes me think of forced routines, my immediate reaction to the word "routine" is I HATE THEM lmao lmao. But I noticed that I have to do a lot of things the same every time, and things that are really not problematic at all are stressful simply if they happen out of order or at weird times or whatever, and trying to force new routines or whatever is DOOOMMMM so...

But yeah anyone who knows me (especially who knew me in college where I had a lot more control over what I ate and stuff) knows that I even do stuff like eating the same food for every meal every day for years and stuff soooo lmao. And maybe even this is a reason I don't like going places because I'm used to being at home and only going places at a certain time.

ANYWAY that was way too much introduction to the THING. One thing I'm particularly comfortable about is going to the laundromat every Wednesday morning, and then walking to the grocery while the clothes are washing because they're in the same strip mall thing.

BUT TODAY I LEARNED THE GROCERY IS CLOSING. And there was like... nothing in it. Like, just a bunch of candy (and tons and tons of Peeps). And everything was like 90% off. But there was nothing there anyway.

So uh this was stressful one because DIFFERENT and two because WHERE DO I GET FOOD NOW? It's the only grocery within walking distance, and the market is closed during the time I'm at the laundromat... I can go with my dad to the grocery if he goes on a weekday but it's really stressful not knowing what day it's going to be and sometimes he even goes on a day or at a time when I can't go soooo uh LOL JUST NO FOOD I GUESS. I guess I can start going to the market some time on like Tuesday afternoon or something idk...

ANYWAY so it was actually kinda fun in the empty grocery except the music was loud and the people cleaning up made some loud noises and I got scared lmao. But I did get some cherry jujus for only 15 cents!! And I had 54 cents so I was able to get three lol. I gave one box to my brother and going to give one to Dennis too.

So, I was needing to get groceries today but I couldn't, so I asked my brother if he would go to the market with me and he said no. So I went by myself. And like a fire truck came by and the noise about killed me, and then I got to the market and realized it was closed, even though I know it opens at 9, but I'm just... not used to being out walking around before 9.

So being in empty parking lot with like siren noises and SUDDENLY realizing my Wednesday grocery time will never come back and that I don't have any food kind of hit me all at once (uh plus I was not planning on walking this far and didn't wear a coat and was very cold) and I had a meltdown like... in this parking lot lmao. Well, I was able to get to the building and like... cry against the wall lol. It only lasted like... idk, 5 minutes, and then I walked back to laundro and no one could tell I had been crying because I was also just frozen so it looked like I was just super cold which I was.

Then I tried to drink coffee but I didn't want to touch the Styrofoam so I was like carrying with a napkin and drinking from a stir stick but I was trying not to look at the Styrofoam and I dropped it lololololol. But I was next to trash and I could feel it slipping so I like... leaned toward trash bin and dropped it in there. Then I didn't want to try to get another one. I actually drank a whole cup and that was my second one so yay?

Anyway, after dropping coffee and crying in a parking lot, I came home and somehow felt a lot better. Usually stuff like this would like... make me dead for a whole day but I still was able to exercise and play Imperial SaGa and work on the website a bit. I have less spoons than normal but like way more spoons than like... any other day that starts like that lmao. Also I still had a bit of food so I can still eat today and my dad said we could go to grocery tomorrow. But I was thinking of trying to start going to the grocery on like... Mondays? Like, replace my exercise that day with walking to the grocery lol and like... try to start buying more produce. Buying it on Thursday and not eating it til like Tuesday sounds like a bad idea. But the grocery is gone now so it doesn't matter so I'm going to just keep eating bologna every day lol. I have all this motivation to do actually make changes in my life but not the material wealth required to make those changes. And who knows how long this motivation will last and if it goes away when it will ever come back so LOL

But I'm feeling good for this moment so that's good LOL. And maybe by a stroke of luck someone will buy me tokimemo 3 limited edition XDDD *nudges everyone reading* and by that I mean I'm nudging no one lmaoooo

Oh yeah, in Imperial SaGa, I trained Old!Will and Tetis and they turned out pretty awesome. I also retrained Bear alongside, and he turned out good, too. I could have enjoyed a bit more Attack from Tetis but I'm still not unhappy. I've also crafted a lot of stuff, so I have enough Wisdom Pendants to outfit all my mages, and three Unparalleled Rings! I'd like to have like... at least five or six of those though. But even just having 3 is really nice.

I'm hoping Tetis will glimmer Grand Slam soon. I keep spamming the 9-star event quest (and GS is even a rank 9 art!) but it's a no-go. I sacrificed the promo Hawke I had (which had a Kobayashi art I'd never seen before?!) to give her a powered-up Shell Smash, which is pretty nice. I also cashed in all my meisei and had enough to get like 600 characters from it LOLOL but I dumped them all in the castle for medals and bought another mage robe thing and ... power suit... I don't remember the names of the armors really. WAIT, no, I bought the Vernie Suit thing, which I had none of. But it's the only armor that offers magic defense, so I think I'd like to have it for Bear.

Sadly this event is giving not very many of the ore things I need to upgrade all these armors -_-; And you can only get these ores from events and like... once this event is over the next like... several events will probably have the other kind of ores (there are 4 kinds of event ores), so like... I'll probably have to wait like 2 months before I can even collect these again :\ I do have most of my Powered Suits to +2, and I would really like to get the Witch Robe to +5 (it's at +4). And power up the Vernie Armor a couple times? But uhhhh don't have that much ore. I'd have to spam this event quest like nonstop to get enough...

Though I might spam it a lot because I really want to get the prize for 20,000 event points (or maybe it's 200,000 idk) but I'm over 3/4 of the way there, and the prize is a gold medal.

But yeah lol imsaga. I'm thirsty but all I have is water and I want like a soda or tea or something so bad XD I mean I have coffee and tea but I want a cold thing and I don't want to like make hot thing and ice it and alskdjfklasdjf just someone deliver me a Dr Pepper please. And TokiMemo3 Limited Edition. And like, a pizza or something. Er, no, I want like... curry XD

Hello friends.

Sooo I've been working on website and I have a really fast way of doing it now, and all I really have to do is essentially edit the rest of the entries -- all the images and everything are already ready to go, cropped, resized, converted to jpg... it's pretty much just c/p the diary entries and add tags while looking over it. I'm already into Armic's scenario so I'm almost done with unsaga (by 'done' I mean caught up) and then it will just be romasaga3 and sagasca which shouldn't be terribly long.

I think I started giving myself deadlines and stuff like 'I need to finish all this by the weekend' or whatever and the pressure made me kinda fall into depression again. It does not help that Thursday I decided for who knows what reason to look for a job, which is a super overwhelming and stressful thing to me, and by the end of the day I was poking at myself with a box knife saying if I just practice making little cuts I can work up slashing my whole wrist!!! But uh no it's way too scary I can't even like poke myself without freaking out lol.

The weekend was fine and I even did a Scary Thing and was ok (I went to craft store with Dens and it was crowded lol) and then today I have like absolutely no motivation at all and I think it's because I'm putting too much pressure on myself or sth, plus after Thursday I was putting pressure on myself not to be depressed again which... I guess was counterproductive lol. Thanks to Nans for pointing it out though lol. I was def weird on Friday because Dens kept asking me if I was okay, like "ARE YOU SURE YOURE OK" and stuff like... so many times lol. But I think I was just being like, super quiet and having trouble concentrating.

Anyway, after talking it over with Nans I feel a bit more optimistic and I'm going to not pressure myself and just go at my own pace with the website like I was, and talk to my therapist about jobs this week. When I went to my psychologist on Monday last week, he has to like... go over this list of stressors or something, so every time he asks me like... if there have been changes in my living situation, if I'm still happy with Dens, etc. and it ends with "Are you still unemployed?" and "Are you looking for a job?" And it makes me feel so worthless and embarrassed X_X I realize the reason he is asking is because those things are big stressors to people and like he has to monitor that but like... idk I just hate having it like... rubbed in my face? lol. Even though that's not what he's trying to do. I did get a grape lolli though.

I think sicne I've done nothing at all today and it's already 19:00 (and I got up around 9, so like... 10 hours of doing nothing at all) I might just play unsaga, because it's fun and it will kinad feel like progress since it goes toward content for the website. I think if I can resume the pace I was at before, I can actually catch up with all the play diaries by the end of the week, and maybe even start working on the programming tut.

Once I get the first lesson of the programming tut done, I think I'm going to actually pay for hosting and get the website online, and then try to add new content every week. I can easily do the editing and stuff when I'm around Dens, as well as playing games, so I'll probably do a lot of the initial writing while I'm at the apartment during the week, and publish new stuff over the weekend. I'll probably continue to post everything here first, but it will be like a 'rough draft,' and then the edited version will get posted to the website.

I might wait a bit to actually get the website up because -- well, not WAIT but rather it might take a bit longer because I think I'm going to program a thing that finds the most recent entries and everything for a front page, and maybe even program a blog. That probably sounds time-consuming but it actually would be pretty easy. I might create a like submission widget for myself so I can easily add new content without having to go and edit tables with SQL manually every time, but ... it really wouldn't be THAT convenient and I kinda like editing tables anyway. So I might just implement something like that if I really feel like I need it in the future.

Anyway, I've also been thinking about what I'm going to do next in unsaga and in the play diaries in general. I think once I get the website up, I'll finish up Armic and Mikhail scenarios, and then I'll start playing one tokimemo and one SaGa at a time. Three SaGas at a time was a bit... much hahaha. And I'll probably continue on with unsaga unless I get a huge hankering to play something else. Which recently I've really been wanting to play minsaga because I want to see Baldyhad again. And I've also really been wanting to get back into Scarlet Grace because it was really fun the first time and I'm excited to play another game.

But I also super love unsaga and am excited about playing through all seven scenarios and having a finished diary XD

In my next Scarlet Grace game, I'm going to be playing Urpina (that's what the comet gave me XD) and I'm going to try to focus on raising a team of 10 characters -- five guys and five gals. This way I can get the 'use a team of all men/women' bonuses more easily, plus I like having some substitute characters anyway. I think I have a better idea of how to really power up the party this time around so I won't fall behind like I did with Leo's party.

For unsaga, I think I'm going to do a 'no shopping' run with Laura. I considered trying to do the 'true' Weapon Collector's Challenge (no shopping, no repair, no martial panels) but I'm worried it will end up being too hard and turn into a chore to play. So I might just like, do that on my own, but not part of the play diaries.

And then with Judy I think I'm going to do a 'no weapons' run, where you just... can't equip anything in the two weapon slots. Basically the focus will be more on martial arts and magic arts.

I'm actually considering like... maybe some time in the future adding more challenge runs to the play diaries, like... even after clearing all 7 characters, like... just add some more 'bonus' diaries, like if I want to do additional challenge runs. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I just... don't want to play unsaga anymore?

I was also thinking of what I could do play diaries of besides SaGa and TokiMemo. The other three series in my main five are Harvest Moon, Mega Man, and Ys.

Harvest Moon... I think I could figure out a way to do a play diary of that, I think. I think more just making a diary of entire play sessions, rather than trying to like... make a day-by-day diary would be better. I might actually make the day-by-day diary just like... little notes of what I did each day, but as like... extra content?? I was even thinking of like... hand-writing it with little doodles to make it cute.

Mega Man is lol. It's not really... that kind of game. But before ever starting the play diary thing, I was planning on trying to do (segmented) no-damage runs of all the Mega Man games. So I could make a play diary about that specifically? That seems kinda fun. Because just clearing one stage takes a long time for that. And I could fill the entries with all kinds of Mega Man infodumping and roboperving XD

Ys... IDK. I guess when I think about it, they wouldn't make for bad play diaries, but at the same time, the game is 90% about the action. It's like Mega Man with more story lmao. So IDK what I'd do with those. Of my top 5 Ys is like... probably my least favorite hahaha. I mean it's still top 5 though.

I also kind of want to start doing more videos again... I'm considering when I do the Harvest Moon play diaries to like... also make videos of them as I do them? It will also help me like... remember what I did in the game to make the diaries lolol. Oh, that would be like... super cute if I like... recorded each day as its own thing and then like... recorded myself drawing the little diary part XD Actually that's a super cute idea... I hope I can remember it.

I was also considering doing play diaries of like... games similar to the top 5 in some way, like Bionic Commando which is a lot like Mega Man, and The Last Remnant which is a lot like SaGa, stuff like that. Shepherd's Crossing. And just anything I really feel like I'd like to make a play diary about. But I want to focus on the top 5, and especially SaGa and Tokimemo XD

And then I also thought of doing a like play diary series where I like... do something like... play every single NES game ever LOL. And like write about my experience with each. And I'd try to play them all to completion XD That would be fun.

Anyway, these are just like... ideas lmao. For now I'm just going to work on getting the site up, finishing unsaga, starting tokimemo, and getting back to the programming tuts.

Well, writing this made me feel a bit more motivated. I'mma go play a bit of Armic's scenario now though. Prol won't be enough to write an entry because I'm just going to be doing random already-written-about subadventures.

Oh I just remembered I need to like... do the Innocent Life diary too. LOLOL. Well, I might not include that in the launch of the website hahaha.

So once I got to where the images are on tumblr, it's actually a lot faster to edit the play diary posts... because the images are still in the posts! I can just save them all quickly and then rename them as I go a lot more easily, too. I've made a bunch of vim recordings that help me reformat various things, so overall it's going much faster. I could probably finish unsaga by the end of the weekend if I would actually work on it lolol.

But I suddenly got hit with a wave of demotivation. Or rather like... restless frustration? I'm like angry at life and don't want to do anything, and keep randomly worrying about things in the far future that I have no reason to worry about. I'm trryyyyiing not to but lol.

But yeah I might force myself to keep up editing the play diaries for the rest of the night since I don't have anything else to do anyway. I'm in Kurt's scenario now. I also played a little bit more of unsaga and have something great to add to that diary too~~

A new event started in imsaga and there's a promo Baldyhad *_* Of course, promo characters are way too weak for me to use them anymore, but it's still cool to get a Baldyhad~~

I have enough kr for two more big pulls, but I think I'm going to try to save them up again. There's really nice character with Rainbow chance tomorrow but... I think I'd rather save it for my favs or when they add unsaga stuff.

I've mastered some of the highest level roles now, and I have crafted two wisdom pendant things, which is awesome (it boosts magic like 15 or 20 or something *_*!)

I'm probably just going to grab the witch robe thing from the current event and that's it. Maybe I should like... try to run through the story a couple more times while I'm not doing much with events? Like, get some more stuff in my history. I think I have all the 7 and 8 star quests now. But I can S-Rank up to 9 star easily enough. There's probably some egg route quests I don't have. I don't think I'm really up to trying the cube route yet... I think the very first quest in it is like 10 or 11-star?! I can clear up to 12 stars but they are hard. And if the first quests are that high, I probably would get stuck somewhere...

But yeah seeing Baldyhad makes me wanna play Minstrel Song D:

ETA: lol forgot I disabled auto-formatting for the sake of writing the last romasaga3 entry. Actually maybe I'll work on those. I have one more of those to write, and a couple unsaga entries to write, too.

Well I went to the doctor and after explaining some random things they said it's probably related to asthma (which I have but it doesn't cause me a lot of problems anymore) because recently I had a cold with a lot of coughing plus I've been exercising more and my lungs are like angry or something. I got an inhaler, and now I have a new type of Welbutrin (same dosage, just I only have to take one a day instead of two throughout the day). So uh yay fun.

I finished editing all of Ruby's scenario for the play diary website~~ It will probably take me a few weeks to catch up to everything though X_X I'm kinda tired of editing them because I've been like... doing it nonstop for like 4 or 5 days now. Well, I don't mind doing it, really, but it's annoying to go find all the images again. I used to only upload the ones I was going to use onto FB but now I've gotten to the point where I was just dumping the entire collection of screenshots I made, so I have to read the entry and go try to find which picture goes with it, and like... THAT is not fun lol.

Once I get to where I started uploading to Tumblr, it will be ... another set of problems, namely finding the correct tumblr posts, but at least it will be back to only uploading the images I used.

But I think for today I might actually write the next posts in Armic and Mikhail's tales. I can just disable auto-formatting here on DW and format them the way I want to use them on my site... and while I'm selecting pics, I can just move the ones I want to use to the site's folders already, and then upload them to tumblr from there (since I'm still not actually hosting the site yet, I gotta upload the pics elsewhere XD)

Then editing the post will simply be a matter of swapping the URLs for the images. Actually, I could even write the post for the site first, and swap the urls for DW, so I'd basically get both done right away.

If I finish these posts early enough, maybe I will play a bit more unsaga. But I've been going to bed super early so I'll probably end up sleeping afterward.

I counted walking to the doctor as my exercise today (it was like... over an hour of walking XD) and yesterday I like... couldn't bring myself to do it so I reallllyyyy gotta make sure I do it properly tomorrow.

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marchionessofmustache

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WARMTH LIKE HOME UNAWARES

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