Anxiety is so cool :D
Apr. 15th, 2017 08:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marchionessofmustacheSoooo last night I was going to the bathroom to get ready for bed and my dad??? came home?????????? and had someone with him????? Maybe even 2 people idk. But yeah like... they were loud and like... started watching TV... so I would have to cross in front of them to get back to my room. And I hadn't done anything in the bathroom yet and I was afraid to because there were people there lol. So I like... spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet, sitting on the floor, sitting in the bathtub... (I was thinking maybe I could trick everyone into thinking that I wasn't in there and had just accidentally left the light on and door closed, and if anyone came in just hold my breath in the tub behind the curtains and UH YEAH I QUICKLY REALIZED HOW STUPID OF AN IDEA THAT WAS LOL)
Anyway, I eventually (about like an hour of being in there lol) flushed the toilet and washed my hands even though I hadn't done anything but sit around and then went out and like dashed across the room and my dad asked if I was okay and I said maybe and they (?) like kind of chuckled???? IDEK who was there or whatever because I didn't look lol. But there was definitely someone because I could hear the VOICESSSSS
So uh the main reason I left the bathroom was because I remembered I had a like big bottle (like it had Gold Peak tea in it, maybe around 2 liters? 1.5 liters?) that I keep water in to give to the roachies, but I stopped using it because their spray bottle has ample water, so I just kinda had that empty Gold Peak bottle sitting around. And I was like... oh I can pee in that and then throw it out later LOL. Because I could like... put on headphones and put my headset on and sit by the fan bc I wouldn't be able to hear them.
Because I can't pee if I can hear like... literally any noises at all? Like constant noises like fan or a/c or whatever is fine but like... hearing like... things that come and go like footstep or w/e, I can't. It's not really a social anxiety thing because stuff like thunder or birds on the roof or whatever do it too LOL it's because I have to concentrate??? and all noises distract and scare me so :))))))))))
ANYWAY I got back to my room and had a mini panic attack and then remembered that I had thrown that bottle away lolllll. So I still had to go to the bathroom but I certainly couldn't go back out now.
And it was still kinda noisy like... they were being quiet but similar to peeing I can't sleep if I can hear anything at all because like anyk ind of sounds trigger my anxiety and knowing people are awake when I'm trying to sleep does too (because I'm afraid they WILL make sounds, even if they're not now lol)
So uh I took some hydroxyzine (fortunately I had water in my room from earlier and hadn't drunk it all yet) which did not help at all and then laid on the floor with my head under my desk and put my fan on the floor so it would drown out noise and like... tried to sleep but I couldn't at all because there were people and I had to pee lmfao.
So uhhh after some period of time that felt both long and short, they went into his bedroom and went to sleep, and I sat with my back to the door making sure everything was quiet before leaving my room, and eventually got to go to the bathroom and they were sleeping I guess because it was quiet so I was able to go to sleep after that. Then I only slept like 6 hours but that's like... enough sleep but I usually sleep like 7-8 hours so idk. But I think I just woke up because the sun came out and I like to have my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. And anymore I feel like I don't sleep through the sun (which is good, that's what I wanted XD)
Anyway, so this morning I figured since I didn't sleep much and they'll probably laze around in there for a while, I could brave going out again, since it was quiet, so I managed to go to the bathroom without making much noise with doors or whatever but of course the toilet and sink make noise whether you want them to or not. And then I could hear mumbling from my dad's room since the bathroom is adjacent...
SO LOL CUE ANXIETY AGAIN FUN TIMESSSSS
But uhhh I forced myself to make breakfast since I really doubted they'd just suddenly spring up and exit the room after a little groggy mumbling. I was only making a peanut butter sandwich so it should not take long. And it didn't and I got back to my room yay. Even though I don't like to eat in here anymore but... I'm not risking sitting out at the dining table lmfao.
But uh I need to exercise and shower and stuff but I definitely can't do that if a human being might exist in close proximity to me so I guess I will just suffer lmfao. I already didn't exercise on Thursday for Reasons, and then Friday I normally don't exercise anyway so uhhh this would be three days of no esize?
I guess I could like... just do it and then sit in here a sweaty mess in front of the fan until I knew everything was clear so I could go take a shower.
Oh, but I need to go get water... I guess I'll do that now while it's still quiet????? I really don't want to leave but the anxiety is not too bad right now, like once I know they're really awake for the day it will be horrible, so I'm kind of anticipating that and that makes me anxious but I did eat and take my pill cocktail so I'm feeling okay right now... just a little nervous in anticipation. But also typing stuff like this calms me down too lololol.
So uh yeah I think I will go try to get water now. The water cooler isn't noisy since the cooling mechanism broke and I won't have to use the faucet so I should be able to do it pretty silently. But idk why I keep sitting here and typing because pretty much every moment is a countdown til they get up sooo LOL.
OK I GOT WATER YAYYYYY. I'm pretty sure they didn't wake up or anything yet, just maybe a little when I went to bathroom but went back to sleep.
Now the sun is at a position in the sky where it's like right in my face and hard to look at computer sooo this is when I would normally start exercising and stuff. So I guess I should do that?
I'm kinda nervous about them like... waking up while I'm exercising...?????????????????????????
Maybe I will just... sit on the floor in the corner and put my face on the wall for several hours :)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Uh recently I've been debating to myself if I should try to apply for disability, but I keep feeling like I don't need it and that I'm cheating and stuff and that they'll call my doctors and they'll be like wtf no!! and then refuse to treat me or something LMFAO and I realize that's stupid but I at least want to talk to the doctor about it first though???? But uh I'd want to talk to both my therapist and my psychologist about it first, and probably talk it over with Dens and all those things are anxiety sooooo lmao I'll probably just do nothing.
Anyway the reason I mentioned this is because I keep thinking "No, I'm just being lazy. I could get a job if I would just go out and do it" but uhhh I can't even go to the bathroom in my own fucking apartment because like... people exist??
And this isn't a like "strangers" thing, like if it was just my dad coming home alone and watching TV it would have been the same and this same kind of thing has happens all the time, like I can't even go to the bathroom with Dennis is folding laundry or something lol.
Uh but the whole like, not wanting to exercise and stuff is a 'strangers' thing I guess? Or maybe an 'unpredictable situation' thing, because I would be fine if it was just my dad and brother like normal, I think because I know what do expect from them? Like I know they would definitely not come into my room suddenly or like... be out in the main areas for very long? Unless it was just my dad sitting in his chair which... only sometimes causes me anxiety and makes me unable to leave my room but since Prozac+therapy I've at least been able to leave my room when my dad is sitting quietly in his chair lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
As I type this it sounds funny lol. Like it doesn't even sound real? Like, I'm thinking about what I am writing and I'm like "hahaha wtf that is weird and dumb??? who actually thinks like that???" BUT UH IT IS REAL?????
BUT UH ANYWAY my point is like... I feel like if I struggle just to like take care of basic needs like bathroom simply because I might hear a noise or a person exists in the general vicinity like... maybe that is enough to consider myself disabled? I mean I do consider myself disabled already but like I mean "fully" disabled by government standards or whatever lmfao. Since you can't get social security for "partial" disability (even if it meant you were only partially able to support and take care of yourself, which makes no sense, but I'm not going to get political right now lmfaooo)
So yeah sun is in my face and I'm like staring at the floor and squinting my eyes and trying to just look up now and then when a cloud goes by to make sure I'm typing everything right... gotta check for those squiggly reds lolol. So uh I really should do something other than sit on the computer, like ... exercise ...
but anxiety :) And I kind of feel like vomiting and have a headache now like... all of a sudden??? But I think it's just my brain doing the like... force-my-body-to-procrastinate thing, which is an entirely other mental problem I have so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy life.
Like IDK I don't really feel bad right now like I feel like this is so ridiculous and silly that it doesn't even seem real and I feel like I'm like... watching someone else type all this out, like it's a movie about me but I'm not me (loll) and I'm like just sitting here thinking about ridiculous and unrealistic this person is and it's like mildly humorous, but not in the way where you really laugh, but where you just keep watching because it at least hits that bare minimum level of entertainment to where you don't end up doing anything else.
And uh now I have to go to the bathroom again but this isn't the procrastination thing, this is just around when I usually have my ~*~DAILY BOWEL MOVEMENT~*~ sooo uhhh lol. But I definitely don't feel up to doing that right now but uh I have a lot of experience with holding bowel movements. I can go days. I'm a pro. Doesn't that like... give you cancer or something? Maybe I'll commit suicide by never taking a shit lmfaooooooooooooooo
I'm not really feeling suicidal right now I just thought that was funny but it's not because all of this is real and I'm really this much of a mess lmfaooooo but I GUESS I AM STILL LAUGHING?
Anyway, THE SUN is attacking my (it's solar jutsu~~~ It's using Starfixer to paralyze me... it should just use Daybreak and end this madness XDD)
Actually I want a shadow servant so I can make them go do everything for me XD Ummm but I guess that can't poo for me so oops.
Well they could go get a bucket and I could poo in that and make them go dispose of it.
Except if I had a Shadow Servant, the Servant would probably have anxiety, too, right? lol whenever I think about that thing where you have a clone and make the clone do all the stuff you don't want to do ... like... the clone would not want to do it either... and would want you to do it LOL like why would the close like just... be in servitude to you... it makes no sense.
OK SUN PLEASE STOP I PROMISE I WILL DO GOO DIN THIS WORLDLDSDGKSLGKJ
I really can't be at the computer anymore or I will go blind, so... I'm either going to cry in a corner or exercise (prolly the latter, actually, because I'm feeling a bit better after typing all this out lmao, and I did successfully get water!!! in a cup!!!! I'm a grown-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
ETA: JK I HEARD A FAINT SOUND SO I AM JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR LOL
Well now I'm sitting like awkwardly against the wall with my usb keboard on my lap loll it's pretty much impossible to see the screen qithout like getting close to it and squienteting so I odont' even know if i'm typing stuff right? Like, I generally make a lot of mistakes while typing, and I'm catchin a lot right now because I can 'feel' them, like I just typed 'fell' and realized I did then knew how many tyimes to press backspace but I also know that i'm like... randomly hitting lots of other keys and stuff, and earlier I typed some word and knew I missed it up bad but didn't know how to correct it so I just left it and you probably can't even tell what word it is because I was basically just like hitting random keys.
Anyway no exercise for me now :) Also it's hot in here because there's no a/ in my room (I odn't heven have a proper room, I just like... sleep in a den LOL and there's no like a/c or heating or anything in here XD er, there's heating nvm. But it's like this weird heated ceiling thing and it's either no heat or it's 200 degrees soooo lmfao.
Actually I had something I was going to say when I started typing this??? But I've alrady forgotten it :\
OH YEAH
I was gonna say like... i'm trying to do the whole like... rationalizing thing like...
OK so like the first thing I have to do is recognize if this fear is a rational/beneficial thing and like... it's not but... sudden sounds or people suddenly talking to me can give me an anxiety attack or panic attack and that's more what I'm afraid of, than the sounds themselves, I think? So I in a way I guess it's a RATIONAL fear, in a sense, but lie.... it's not beneficial????
nvm I'm just going to say NO... so I guess really the best thing to do would to be to... pretend like... I'm okay... so I GUESS I SHOULD EXERCISE??? But I kinda have to calm down from the noise lol. I think it was my brother opening his door lol X_X
I want to hug my Palkia but it's across the room and I don't want to like... move from this spot lol.
Oh I got some graph paper the other day (my dad like... brought it home from a garage sale idk) so I think I will graph trig functions or something lol because graphs make me happee
Anyway, I eventually (about like an hour of being in there lol) flushed the toilet and washed my hands even though I hadn't done anything but sit around and then went out and like dashed across the room and my dad asked if I was okay and I said maybe and they (?) like kind of chuckled???? IDEK who was there or whatever because I didn't look lol. But there was definitely someone because I could hear the VOICESSSSS
So uh the main reason I left the bathroom was because I remembered I had a like big bottle (like it had Gold Peak tea in it, maybe around 2 liters? 1.5 liters?) that I keep water in to give to the roachies, but I stopped using it because their spray bottle has ample water, so I just kinda had that empty Gold Peak bottle sitting around. And I was like... oh I can pee in that and then throw it out later LOL. Because I could like... put on headphones and put my headset on and sit by the fan bc I wouldn't be able to hear them.
Because I can't pee if I can hear like... literally any noises at all? Like constant noises like fan or a/c or whatever is fine but like... hearing like... things that come and go like footstep or w/e, I can't. It's not really a social anxiety thing because stuff like thunder or birds on the roof or whatever do it too LOL it's because I have to concentrate??? and all noises distract and scare me so :))))))))))
ANYWAY I got back to my room and had a mini panic attack and then remembered that I had thrown that bottle away lolllll. So I still had to go to the bathroom but I certainly couldn't go back out now.
And it was still kinda noisy like... they were being quiet but similar to peeing I can't sleep if I can hear anything at all because like anyk ind of sounds trigger my anxiety and knowing people are awake when I'm trying to sleep does too (because I'm afraid they WILL make sounds, even if they're not now lol)
So uh I took some hydroxyzine (fortunately I had water in my room from earlier and hadn't drunk it all yet) which did not help at all and then laid on the floor with my head under my desk and put my fan on the floor so it would drown out noise and like... tried to sleep but I couldn't at all because there were people and I had to pee lmfao.
So uhhh after some period of time that felt both long and short, they went into his bedroom and went to sleep, and I sat with my back to the door making sure everything was quiet before leaving my room, and eventually got to go to the bathroom and they were sleeping I guess because it was quiet so I was able to go to sleep after that. Then I only slept like 6 hours but that's like... enough sleep but I usually sleep like 7-8 hours so idk. But I think I just woke up because the sun came out and I like to have my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. And anymore I feel like I don't sleep through the sun (which is good, that's what I wanted XD)
Anyway, so this morning I figured since I didn't sleep much and they'll probably laze around in there for a while, I could brave going out again, since it was quiet, so I managed to go to the bathroom without making much noise with doors or whatever but of course the toilet and sink make noise whether you want them to or not. And then I could hear mumbling from my dad's room since the bathroom is adjacent...
SO LOL CUE ANXIETY AGAIN FUN TIMESSSSS
But uhhh I forced myself to make breakfast since I really doubted they'd just suddenly spring up and exit the room after a little groggy mumbling. I was only making a peanut butter sandwich so it should not take long. And it didn't and I got back to my room yay. Even though I don't like to eat in here anymore but... I'm not risking sitting out at the dining table lmfao.
But uh I need to exercise and shower and stuff but I definitely can't do that if a human being might exist in close proximity to me so I guess I will just suffer lmfao. I already didn't exercise on Thursday for Reasons, and then Friday I normally don't exercise anyway so uhhh this would be three days of no esize?
I guess I could like... just do it and then sit in here a sweaty mess in front of the fan until I knew everything was clear so I could go take a shower.
Oh, but I need to go get water... I guess I'll do that now while it's still quiet????? I really don't want to leave but the anxiety is not too bad right now, like once I know they're really awake for the day it will be horrible, so I'm kind of anticipating that and that makes me anxious but I did eat and take my pill cocktail so I'm feeling okay right now... just a little nervous in anticipation. But also typing stuff like this calms me down too lololol.
So uh yeah I think I will go try to get water now. The water cooler isn't noisy since the cooling mechanism broke and I won't have to use the faucet so I should be able to do it pretty silently. But idk why I keep sitting here and typing because pretty much every moment is a countdown til they get up sooo LOL.
OK I GOT WATER YAYYYYY. I'm pretty sure they didn't wake up or anything yet, just maybe a little when I went to bathroom but went back to sleep.
Now the sun is at a position in the sky where it's like right in my face and hard to look at computer sooo this is when I would normally start exercising and stuff. So I guess I should do that?
I'm kinda nervous about them like... waking up while I'm exercising...?????????????????????????
Maybe I will just... sit on the floor in the corner and put my face on the wall for several hours :)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Uh recently I've been debating to myself if I should try to apply for disability, but I keep feeling like I don't need it and that I'm cheating and stuff and that they'll call my doctors and they'll be like wtf no!! and then refuse to treat me or something LMFAO and I realize that's stupid but I at least want to talk to the doctor about it first though???? But uh I'd want to talk to both my therapist and my psychologist about it first, and probably talk it over with Dens and all those things are anxiety sooooo lmao I'll probably just do nothing.
Anyway the reason I mentioned this is because I keep thinking "No, I'm just being lazy. I could get a job if I would just go out and do it" but uhhh I can't even go to the bathroom in my own fucking apartment because like... people exist??
And this isn't a like "strangers" thing, like if it was just my dad coming home alone and watching TV it would have been the same and this same kind of thing has happens all the time, like I can't even go to the bathroom with Dennis is folding laundry or something lol.
Uh but the whole like, not wanting to exercise and stuff is a 'strangers' thing I guess? Or maybe an 'unpredictable situation' thing, because I would be fine if it was just my dad and brother like normal, I think because I know what do expect from them? Like I know they would definitely not come into my room suddenly or like... be out in the main areas for very long? Unless it was just my dad sitting in his chair which... only sometimes causes me anxiety and makes me unable to leave my room but since Prozac+therapy I've at least been able to leave my room when my dad is sitting quietly in his chair lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
As I type this it sounds funny lol. Like it doesn't even sound real? Like, I'm thinking about what I am writing and I'm like "hahaha wtf that is weird and dumb??? who actually thinks like that???" BUT UH IT IS REAL?????
BUT UH ANYWAY my point is like... I feel like if I struggle just to like take care of basic needs like bathroom simply because I might hear a noise or a person exists in the general vicinity like... maybe that is enough to consider myself disabled? I mean I do consider myself disabled already but like I mean "fully" disabled by government standards or whatever lmfao. Since you can't get social security for "partial" disability (even if it meant you were only partially able to support and take care of yourself, which makes no sense, but I'm not going to get political right now lmfaooo)
So yeah sun is in my face and I'm like staring at the floor and squinting my eyes and trying to just look up now and then when a cloud goes by to make sure I'm typing everything right... gotta check for those squiggly reds lolol. So uh I really should do something other than sit on the computer, like ... exercise ...
but anxiety :) And I kind of feel like vomiting and have a headache now like... all of a sudden??? But I think it's just my brain doing the like... force-my-body-to-procrastinate thing, which is an entirely other mental problem I have so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy life.
Like IDK I don't really feel bad right now like I feel like this is so ridiculous and silly that it doesn't even seem real and I feel like I'm like... watching someone else type all this out, like it's a movie about me but I'm not me (loll) and I'm like just sitting here thinking about ridiculous and unrealistic this person is and it's like mildly humorous, but not in the way where you really laugh, but where you just keep watching because it at least hits that bare minimum level of entertainment to where you don't end up doing anything else.
And uh now I have to go to the bathroom again but this isn't the procrastination thing, this is just around when I usually have my ~*~DAILY BOWEL MOVEMENT~*~ sooo uhhh lol. But I definitely don't feel up to doing that right now but uh I have a lot of experience with holding bowel movements. I can go days. I'm a pro. Doesn't that like... give you cancer or something? Maybe I'll commit suicide by never taking a shit lmfaooooooooooooooo
I'm not really feeling suicidal right now I just thought that was funny but it's not because all of this is real and I'm really this much of a mess lmfaooooo but I GUESS I AM STILL LAUGHING?
Anyway, THE SUN is attacking my (it's solar jutsu~~~ It's using Starfixer to paralyze me... it should just use Daybreak and end this madness XDD)
Actually I want a shadow servant so I can make them go do everything for me XD Ummm but I guess that can't poo for me so oops.
Well they could go get a bucket and I could poo in that and make them go dispose of it.
Except if I had a Shadow Servant, the Servant would probably have anxiety, too, right? lol whenever I think about that thing where you have a clone and make the clone do all the stuff you don't want to do ... like... the clone would not want to do it either... and would want you to do it LOL like why would the close like just... be in servitude to you... it makes no sense.
OK SUN PLEASE STOP I PROMISE I WILL DO GOO DIN THIS WORLDLDSDGKSLGKJ
I really can't be at the computer anymore or I will go blind, so... I'm either going to cry in a corner or exercise (prolly the latter, actually, because I'm feeling a bit better after typing all this out lmao, and I did successfully get water!!! in a cup!!!! I'm a grown-up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
ETA: JK I HEARD A FAINT SOUND SO I AM JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR LOL
Well now I'm sitting like awkwardly against the wall with my usb keboard on my lap loll it's pretty much impossible to see the screen qithout like getting close to it and squienteting so I odont' even know if i'm typing stuff right? Like, I generally make a lot of mistakes while typing, and I'm catchin a lot right now because I can 'feel' them, like I just typed 'fell' and realized I did then knew how many tyimes to press backspace but I also know that i'm like... randomly hitting lots of other keys and stuff, and earlier I typed some word and knew I missed it up bad but didn't know how to correct it so I just left it and you probably can't even tell what word it is because I was basically just like hitting random keys.
Anyway no exercise for me now :) Also it's hot in here because there's no a/ in my room (I odn't heven have a proper room, I just like... sleep in a den LOL and there's no like a/c or heating or anything in here XD er, there's heating nvm. But it's like this weird heated ceiling thing and it's either no heat or it's 200 degrees soooo lmfao.
Actually I had something I was going to say when I started typing this??? But I've alrady forgotten it :\
OH YEAH
I was gonna say like... i'm trying to do the whole like... rationalizing thing like...
OK so like the first thing I have to do is recognize if this fear is a rational/beneficial thing and like... it's not but... sudden sounds or people suddenly talking to me can give me an anxiety attack or panic attack and that's more what I'm afraid of, than the sounds themselves, I think? So I in a way I guess it's a RATIONAL fear, in a sense, but lie.... it's not beneficial????
nvm I'm just going to say NO... so I guess really the best thing to do would to be to... pretend like... I'm okay... so I GUESS I SHOULD EXERCISE??? But I kinda have to calm down from the noise lol. I think it was my brother opening his door lol X_X
I want to hug my Palkia but it's across the room and I don't want to like... move from this spot lol.
Oh I got some graph paper the other day (my dad like... brought it home from a garage sale idk) so I think I will graph trig functions or something lol because graphs make me happee
no subject
Date: 2017-04-29 10:13 pm (UTC)The mindset has helped with like... the mild random anxiety that I have throughout the day every day for no reason whatsoever, like made it easier to deal with... but if there's even a hint of a 'reason' to be anxious or if I am anxious about actually doing something, no matter what it is, like... my body will REFUSE.