WARMTH LIKE HOME UNAWARES

So quite often I get people like "oh hey I bet you would like this guy" and showing me some santa-claus-looking bubble head with a full beard that takes away from what should be a maybe-decent mustache and I'm like wow thanks for not understanding me in the slightest.

So I want to talk about a few very important features that make someone more attractive to me. I also want to say that mustaches are a special exception and pretty much a mustache alone makes someone attractive but mustache means MUSTACHE and not beard or general facial hair JUST SOLO MUSTACHES so please stop showing me people with things other than solo mustaches and saying CHECK OUT THIS MUSTACHE because THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN BY MUSTACHE PLEASE PLEASE STOP

So let's talk about face shape. I pretty much exclusively like rectangle-heads, and anyone who is a rectangle is probably going to be attractive. But "rectangle" is kind of a vague thing so I want to explain exactly what I mean by rectangle.



Look at these examples. These are rectangles. Nice, long rectangles. There are a few key elements here:

Firstly, it is a LONG rectangle. The height must be pretty long in proportion to the width. Generally, a h:w ratio of around 1.9 is ideal. The closer you get to h:w = 1, the more it is a square. And the closer to square, the less I'm going to like it. LONG RECTANGLE HEADS ONLY.

Secondly, the features need to actually fill the rectangle. You can draw a rectangle over literally any face, but if there's lots of gaps, that's not a rectangle head. If you look at the examples above, the green areas are the only parts that are not filled in with features. This means to qualify as rectangle head you must have a pretty wide jaw/chin. Pointy faces are NO. Also weird egg heads and pear heads and stuff that leave gaps other places are bad, too.

And thirdly, the features have to be blocky and long, too, to not distract from the overall rectangle shape. NO BUBBLY, PUFFY, SWOLEN, ETC.-LOOKING FEATURES. Features that contribute to length are good. Basically they should look like a literal block of stone or look like their face is melting off and then I'm probably good lol.



As an aside, this is probably part of why I'm into older men and baldies more often. Bald and receding hairlines means there's more height to the rectangle, and loose skin generally fills in the gaps of the rectangle. In the image above, the yellow outline is probably where Gregg's face outline would be if you started from a normal hairline placement and didn't account for the saggy face. Saggy face is sexy lmao.

Anyway, let's go on to talk about noses. People always show me these circle heads with these stubby wide noses with no length to them at all. Basically tall noses are better... again the more things look vertically stretched, the better. Button noses and pig noses are NG.



Here is Joey Bosa's nose. This is example of an average/decent nose. First of all, it's huge. Huge is always good. The more space a nose takes up in general, the better. Anyway, profile shape of nose is very important. From the front it's more just important that it's long, though I do have preferences in shapes but they're not nearly as important as profile.

Basically, cast a ray from the top of the bridge toward the tip (red line in the imagine above) and cast a ray from the furthest back part of the bottom of the nose following the direction of the septum (blue line above). The two rays should eventually meet at a point.

What we're looking for here is the length of the line segments from the point of intersection in these rays to each respective ray's origin. The longer each of these segments, the sexier the nose. To be clear, this is including the "pink" parts above (even though they're outside the actual physical range of the nose). LONGER LINES = ALWAYS BETTER. NO QUESTIONS.

Also, if you drop a line from the very tip of the nose (furthest point from the face) that perpendicularly bisects the blue line, then measure the difference between that point of intersection to the place where the nasal septum and philtrum meet, you'll get the green line. The longer this is, the better, too, but it's of secondary importance to the red and blue lines.

Also, Bosa's nose is very triangle which is good but not ideal. I'm perfectly fine with triangle noses and giant triangles are very welcome and very hot.

Before we go into better noses I want to show an example of a bad nose and explain another important concept that doesn't exist in a triangle nose.



This is Pat McAfee's nose which is Very Bad.

Because of the angle of the nose, the red and blue lines don't get to be very long. Look at that tiny green segment, too. But more importantly is the angle created where the green meets the blue.

Basically, this NEEDS to be an obtuse angle, or have a measure of π radians. If not, the nose is most likely ruined. It can only be saved by a huge amount of surface area and a giant purple region (which I'll explain next). An easier way to understand this is just that the tip of the nose needs to be lower than the point where the septum meets the philtrum, or basically the nose needs to 'angle down.' The blue line should have a negative slope when the profile is viewed from the right.



Here's an example of a much better nose. Very long red and blue. Very long green. And the angle created from green-meets-blue is obtuse. Very nice. Also important, now, is to look at the region of the nose that is visible above the red line. This purple-shaded region is pretty much just bonus sex appeal, and the more of it, the hotter the nose.



If you're curious what a perfect nose looks like, here's Mehmet Ozyurek, the world record for biggest nose lmao.

Since most of that was stupidly mathematical, here's a more layman's way to understand it:

longer/taller = better
sticks out from face more = better
points downward = better
larger hook = better
bigger in general = better

points up = worse
smaller = worse

All kinds of noses are great, though, in general but basically no up-pointing noses and no small noses and no noses that are only wide with no other redeeming attributes.

Lastly, I want to talk about mustache. Like I said before, only solo mustache counts as mustache. ONLY SOLO MUSTACHE COUNTS AS MUSTACHE. I can't believe how many times people have shown me full beards and been like "ooh look a mustache I bet you like it" and I'm like what the hell is wrong with you. Or even worse, a circle beard???? Vomit.

Anyway, here's examples of good mustaches. Just two because honestly I love all mustaches but I want to explain one important concept. But I also just want to show two of my favorites and honestly they're like the most common, "plain" mustaches which is good. You don't have to show me some like giant handlebar thing (though I love those too).



Important to note here is that it follows the shape of the mouth, and the red part makes it into a rough trapezoid shape. Most important thing here is that it starts at the corners of the mouth and not below that. I generally call this trapezoid shape as "painter" and it's one of my favorites.



This one is a bit different, and instead of a trapezoid it makes this chevron shape. I'm a sucker for the chevron and I will love anyone with this mustache no questions asked. Again, note that it begins at the corners of the mouth.

This is the most important part. The hair past the corners of the mouth is part of the beard, and if they are incorporated it's already taking away from the mustache. Mustache only includes the hair above the lip, from one corner to the other. NO OTHER HAIR ON THE FACE IS INCLUDED. When you include that part below the corners of the mouth (connectors) it becomes a 'pornstache" and looks gross and I don't really like it and it's not a true mustache. It's okay sometimes but most of the time I don't like it.

And it's okay if the hair GROWS longer than this point -- walrus mustaches are hot as hell, and manchus are pretty nice most of the time.

And I don't care if it's scraggly or trashy or whatever, if it's a mustache, I'm turned on. There is literally no exception to this rule lol.

Also 'small' mustaches (pencil, pyramid, toothbrush) are extremely hot and I pretty much get aroused just seeing them, even though I didn't use any examples here because they're not nearly as common and everyone associates toothbrush with Hitler so whatever. (John Steinbeck in the 'rectangle head' picture above though has a fantastic mustache, Vincent Prince always wore a super hot pyramid, etc.)

Now, there are other facial hair styles that I like quite a bit (friendly burns are good, van dyck is good... horseshoe is okay, and full beards are always nice, especially long ones). But the only time I'm GUARANTEED to like it is when it's a mustache. And if you show me anything other than a mustache and call it a mustache or expect me to like it because it involves a technical mustache, I'm going to be secretly judging you. And not in a good way.

And I know I only showed simple examples, but elaborate or decorative staches are okay. English is one of my favorite styles (where the tips extend straight outward), even ridiculously long ones, like George Haskins III:



Which honestly I'd let him do anything he wanted to me because look at that. Also note he has a kind of rounded and closer to h:w=1 head lmao. I don't care because mustache trumps everything. By definition, Haskins hotter than literally anyone without a mustache no matter how many other standards they meet. Mustache is #1.

And I can't stress this enough. ONLY true, solo mustaches count. ONLY.

Some other things I'll immediately find attractive are laugh lines, big eyebrows, bald heads (especially with the side hair lmao), crows' feet, and long ears. Also glasses.

Things that immediately are unattractive are any kind of round, soft features, especially ones that have a bubbly/puffy appearance. Basically, features need to look blocky and look like they are struggling with their battle with gravity.

In reality I like a huge variety of people but these are just the things that pretty much guarantee I'll find someone attractive so if you're showing me something and saying "I bet you'll like them" that means you're assuming that they have features that I find it difficult to not find attractive, so they BETTER MEET THESE STANDARDS. Also even though I've said it many times throughout this post, if you show me something and say 'look at this mustache' and it's not a true mustache I'm going to be offended and unreasonably angry with you so DON'T DO THAT TO ME EVER.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this lesson and now maybe all of you can have better taste and learn how to like properly attractive melty rectangles with massive honkers. And of course mustache.